this post may be triggering.

my therapist says it is okay for me to be indifferent about death, and people dying, and where death is apparent. I feel somewhat sad, at times that my emotive bluntness does not express the pain of people dying and being around so much of it. I have found 2 deceased persons, one in there house, and 1 in mine, when I was out, and got back home in the wee hours. I performed cpr for 15 minutes on a person, who I was seeing, and she did not make it. so I seen her as well. I have good bye to people in hospital knowing I will never see them again. I am numb to it. now I feel if someone is killing themselves to live, for I have witnessed this, I would rather they be out of pain and at rest. it finally happened to one of my best mates, my neighbour, I found her. a mixture of sadness and happiness overcame my mind. her best mate, in pain with breast cancer, and a mate of mine went 2 months later. just needed to express this.

I was going through my cards from beautiful members of the forum, when I was in hospital and I thought, I was at risk myself. I am writing to a few of you. some I only have an initial and surname. I am looking for all the cards and stuff. stacks of envelopes! bless karens soul for her admin work on getting those much needed cards on the ward. we all die, I get this, maybe more so than I realize. the one that hurts me the most, with very happy thoughts is my little buttons. I am actually happy for the people who died that needed an end to their suffering.

just reflections.

I think when somebody is suffering, we actually feel a bit of relief when they pass. Losing somebody suddenly is hard for me, or if they are too young. Otherwise, I can be indifferent also. I lost a forum member this spring, she was only 19. It took a toll on me. She had actually been emailing me prior. It was really hard for me to accept her death. And I never met her in person.

I know how you feel Jamie... Death can affect us many ways. I am glad you posted it as you have been thinking about it. Now you will get some feedback from us.

Hugs, Karen...

thx my friends. I too was thinking about some members and stuff. I am complex but very deep. you guys are very important to me, more than you know.

thx chartreux.

for me, it is very sad and effects me greatly to see people truly suffering. I don't know. for me the one who is truly suffering and dies that is when i am happy for them. not meaning i don't care, love them etc. you know what i mean. i am complex i guess.