I'm So Confused

I got into a fight with my Dad this morning, and I feel terrible. Yesterday, we took a very nice trip together to look at possible homes by a lake. We're thinking of buying a small family retreat (that he and I will be the main residents of, and family can come to gatherings at). He's been taking care of me for a few years now, ever since I attempted suicide and had to start dialysis. We're working on getting me out of that hole, but when we do, my Dad will be almost 70, and I'll start taking care of him.

I got up this morning, and he reminded me of having to go to treatment - which I don't refuse, but my mind was going in so many stressful directions that I asked him not to bring it up and he told me to grow up. I had a huge problem with that, and this is something I've been struggling to resolve with all of my family since I was little.

I was born with a genetic defect that damaged my organs, and my parents were given, at various times, either conflicting advice on what to do, or no advice at all by doctors, and absolutely no guidance on the psychological damage that would occur. At 12, I went into sudden liver failure, and was in a coma for three months, then in the hospital for another month - and in all that time after I woke up, not one person came to ask or talk about my experience of it. To me, it was torture and molestation, and I've felt I should have died ever since.

I needed a kidney transplant a few years later, and once again there was no addressing of the psychological consequences of having grown up sick. Added to that, my parents divorced when I was 10 (which I've only become more upset with as I've gotten older, not less), and for ten years I had to tolerate a very abusive stepmother (who left and demanded ridiculous alimony and private school payments from my Dad and has made no efforts to make amends for how she abused him, his children, and our mother - doesn't even recognize that she did).

Then, after having only a few years of relatively good health (although I still had frequent abdominal pain), other bodily pains started up again, and I grew so exhausted of it, and of everyone telling me to 'grow up' whenever I brought up not being okay with being sick and dependent on medicines, that I said I wasn't doing any of it anymore. I wanted to die so badly, and only on the last day before I would have died, my parents asked me if I wanted to try and turn around. I didn't really want to hurt them by dying, so I said I'd try, but by then I'd destroyed my kidney.

There are a lot of factors, but I'm trying to survive until I get another kidney, and every way my health was handled, by me and by everyone else, can be re-addressed and maybe we can do better this time. But I still get overwhelmed, and I'm told I'm not doing enough often - but when I point out that no-one handled things any better, my parents, aunts/uncles, siblings, don't want to hear it, and that confuses me. It's always that I need to change, instead of me and everyone else as well. I feel like I'm the one taking consequences for everyone's poor judgment, and I had already been paying for my own mistakes with my body and sanity a hundredfold. I just don't know how to resolve and repair our lives at all.

I try, and I always fail.

We really only get one life, try to enjoy something out of each day. I know it is hard but at this point all you can do is the best you can. Give yourself permission to be happy.

N, I am sorry that your family gives you no validation.

I certainly can empathize with this, 15 years of childhood abuse by 4 members of my family.

I was shunned by all my blood relatives when I disclosed 4 years ago. Now it is freedom and peace I feel.

Some people do not what to know the truth, they want to forget the bad times and the emotions that went with it. You can control what other people think, feel or reaction to.

However, you can set your own boundries and move on with your life as you want it to be.

Joining a depression support group may be a good idea. There are many back rounds in my group and we all can relate to the abandonment, the 'lets just move on' and the invalidation of feelings from people.

Seeing and meeting other people that understand how you feel empowers you to build skills to get stronger.

Peace
Trina

Have you ever listened to the song "I'm Moving On" by Rascal Flatts? It is pretty much my 'anthem'.

My siblings and I had different definitions of the term 'grown up' and 'adult'. I had to learn to stop measuring myself by someone else's measuring stick!

Although my brothers live about an hour and a half from me, we rarely see each other. Seems the only way I was ever going to learn how to be a 'grown up' was to be out here to sink or swim on my own!

Denial is very strong for some people, especially if it entails any responsibility. I don't look to my family for validation any more.

One of the best books that helped me was by a Christian Neuro Scientist, Dr Carolyn Leaf. Her book, while a bit repetitive was a turning point in how I perceived my childhood. The book is titled "Who Switched Off My Brain?" If Christian concepts are not objectionable to you, you might find it helpful.

Sometimes we have to cut our losses. Is what happened something that cannot be changed? It isn't the medical professions fault that you have health problems. They probably did what they could at the time. If not, there probably isn't much you can do about it now. Try evaluating what is going on in life, see how you can make the best of the situation. Start from there and work forward. Probably the only thing that will be able to change is how you look at things. Granted, it isn't the best situation, but all of us have to deal with things that just aren't ideal to us. We make the best of what we got. That is all you can do. Try to be happy. Strive for that daily. Try to find good things in your life to concentrate on.

It is what it is and we do the best that we can do.

I hope that things get better for you. I hope you have a nice day.

Hugs, Karen...