Depression ruining my relationship - the overthinker!

Good Afternoon
This is my first post on the site
I think I am going a bit mad and need some advice!

6 mths ago my mother passed away suddenly and I was travelling in Australia and had to return home to look after things and mind my father, my boyfriend moved with me no questions asked
we stayed 6mths a little longer then expected and lived with my father it put our relationship under some stress as I guess it wasn't ideal for a young couple (were mid 20's) who had been living in their own apt to be back in my childhood bedroom!
I never really grieved I handled things very well...too well it seems now
Im a go getter and I arrived home and took over things like dinners for dad and funeral arrangements etc. I got a job and had all my mates around we were always busy busy busy
Over the Christmas period I had a fling and my boss (who is also a friend) it started as a silly kiss at an xmas party and I believe it was a cry for help he pursued me and I enjoyed the flirt and the attention but we soon ended it and I came clean and told me partner in Jan and from there it felt that everything just hit me and I spiralled into a depression I seen a councillor but it just made me worse
we have since moved away together just us to finish our travelling and agreed to give things another go he believes I wasn't in a right state of mind and we wanted a fresh start I am very happy about this and that he is so forgiving
he is a great guy and we are best friends we never fight and I love him very much and feel so safe with him but I cannot move past that I cheated
we don't speak of it anymore (it was 3mths ago now) and we agreed to let it lie but I cant stop thinking about how awful I am etc
I lost my feel for life im usually so happy and positive and I feel ruined now
I went to the doc and I am on 10mg of escitalopram (I have a review app in 3 weeks and I am thinking 20mg might be needed)
I see an improvement on the tablets already but just not enough I am in better form but sometimes I question if I am happy? is this what I want? do I love him? do I fancy him? and logically the answers to all these are yes....I know they are yes but sometimes I just seem to panic
I feel my brain can get noisy and he knows all this and is so supportive and working with me to get me back
I want this feeling to go away so I can go back to being me

Any advice welcome!!

thanks!

WL, welcome to the forum.

We ALL do things in our lives that are regretful. That does not mean we are bad people. Just people that made a bad decision.

Try to work on self forgiveness. We are truely our own worse enemy at times.
Your best friend has forgiven you, don't you deserve to let it go, into the past and learn and grow from the experience?

Here is a link that may help get you started. I have a great book, but it is on abuse, so it would not apply here. Check amazon and local book stores for self-kindness or compassion. It takes some practice, however with some will power it becomes easier faster than you think.

www.mindful.org/how-to-choose-self-compassion/

Best of luck, keep posting we are here to support
Peace
Trina

Take good care of yourself and post here anytime!