Struggling with not even feeling human

Hi NCOT,

You know, this person you are could just be who you are and that isn't such a bad thing. I don't have kids and I don't work either. I find myself feeling the way you do too. Like I am not a part of this world. But then I try to realize that is just me. I like solitude. I listen to music. I do the house work, though I am not very good at it. I don't have the energy to do everything that I guess I should.

A lot of other people have things to do and places to go. I go to the doctor, therapist and shop. But when I feel good that doesn't bother me. I like my life for the most part, but I do wonder if there were things in life I was meant to do that I didn't. Then I remember things happen as they are suppose to. And you never know what the next day holds.

Try to like who you are. If you want changes, work on them gradually. I do know if you want to interact with people, you have to put yourself out there. I, myself, would rather watch the birds. Not that I don't like people, I guess other than my HW friends, I don't need them. But I am not saying I don't get lonely. I do. But I created this world for myself. I have two friends that I visit and they happen to live together. And I maybe go once a month or so. I have wondered if there is something wrong with me, but I feel kind of stronger being able to be alone and be happy with that. I do have my dog. I have my husband but he does his own thing.

I guess what I am trying to say is that maybe the way you are isn't such a bad thing. Maybe just on bad days it would bother you. But if you want more out of life, go for it. That means opening yourself up and going out and talking to people, look for a job, maybe try to meet somebody that you could have a relationship with. You have the power. And life is too short to wonder.

I am glad you are getting out and getting fresh air. But I don't think you understand mindfulness. It is something you learn to do all the time. It is just being aware of everything around you, how you are feeling, what you are thinking. It is basically being in the now. It is an everyday, all the time experience, no matter where you are or what you are doing. It isn't something you have to go out to do. It is just being... And paying attention to what you are doing at any given moment.

Best wishes on your errands. I do that tomorrow. Big day for me... Ha!!!

Hugs, Karen...

Might have. Should have. Could have. Ought to be.

All danger words that imply two opposing ways of being-- Are and Are Not--one the right way of living and the other the wrong.

I used to do an exercise with my actors--here and now. It encourages the use of the senses as well as being in the moment. The reason I bring it up is that might haves are in the past--all of these judgmental words are. They belong to the path not taken. As I person, I am who I am, here and now.

And that is good.

Thanks folks. I think I've finally crashed after eating too much sugar - the steroid hunger is almost as bad as the steroid rage! <_<.

Anyway, long story short, I'm back to feeling braindead again. Just to give a bit more context to the first post, I've suffered from feeling different to everyone else for as long as I can remember. For years I thought I was a depressed introvert, which was true. What was missing was the fact that I'm also on the autism spectrum. Got my autism diagnosis nearly 2 years ago and while it has helped me to answer some questions about my past, it's also had the unwelcome effect of making me feel even more different than I did before. I was ruthlessly singled out for being a weirdo by my 3 older brothers when I was a child, and the effects of that will stay with me for the rest of my life, I think.

I've also had Crohn's disease for a long time and that sometimes makes me feel different too. It was all right for a while, but over the years it's taken its toll.

@Karen - I think your first sentence nailed it. What I described is who I am and I don't like it! =/ I need to work on not seeing what I am as an automatically bad thing. Your life sounds quite similar to mine, only with less Geometry Dash in it. I actually don't mind solitude. I occasionally feel extremely lonely, but for the most part I am content to be on my own. I struggle to tell whether I just want the appearance of having more people in my life, or whether I actually want them. To give an example of what I mean, every time I go to the hospital - or stay there as an inpatient - everyone else seems to have family and friends to accompany them or visit them for hours every day. It bothers me, but I'm not entirely sure whether that's because I hate standing out as the lone oddball or whether I do actually miss the company - it's a bit of both, I suspect.

But yeah, ultimately I know if I'm lonely it's partly because I've created that reality for myself. I don't have dazzling social skills, but the little that I could do, I don't: I'd rather try to beat another level in Geometry Dash instead. (It's an iPad/Android game, just in case you were wondering!) I even had an offer to stay with my aunt in Spain this Easter, which I fully meant to do but was too cowardly custard in the end. It's probably not too late: I just need to make that phone call and speak to my aunt.

As for mindfulness, maybe I need to give it another go. I do get distracted very easily; not always with brooding thoughts about the past or anxieties about the future, but often. In fact I'm starting to get distracted from thinking about how easily I get distracted >_>.

@Trina - I did read your entire message. I'm an internet warrior! I fight with words, not swords :p

@Myself - That sounds pretty buddhist to me. Or is that Taoism? Either way I do very much like the philosophy, although I think it's a tad abstract for me. I'm fairly good at recognising abstract/intellectual truths, but making them sink in at the emotional level seems to be another story. Perhaps that's something I could work on as well.

@F27 - Cheers dude :p Hugs n stuff.

I know I owe you an email. I've been owing the same 3 people emails for, like, forever now... :-/

keep strong. yes i'm still around!!! a w.i.p.

Your poor Hudl. NCOT SMASH!

Holiday: You may regret going, but you will regret not going.

Glad to hear the day got better. Also glad to hear that the support group was okay the second time.

Sometimes we have to bite the bullet fiscally. There are purchases both necessary and optional.

But, planning is free!! I did an exercise with a class that was great fun. Pick anywhere in the world--money doesn't matter--and plan a seven day trip. Flights--accommodations, restaurants, tourist sights. Car rental or taxi. Record how much each thing is--just for informational purposes. I had a great time!! Istanbul, there I went.

I have never had to take steroids for more than a couple of weeks if that. So I have never experienced the rage. It must be awful. Though I have had medications put me on edge, so I can kind of understand.

I hope you go to Spain. I think that would be so cool. I hear it is pretty over there. Probably warm too.

I hope you have a good day today.

Hang in there, I am up early so still a bit groggy. Going back to bed for another hour or so.

Hugs, Karen...