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Hi NeverGetsEasyx and bev

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Posted Today 11:40 AM (GMT 0)

I won't be home until about 6 Eastern, depending on if the buses are running on time; you never know when it's snowbird season and Christmas shoppnig season! Have a good chat, maybe I"ll join you if you're still on then.

Nanse

Posted Today 12:13 PM (GMT 0)
well i changed the clocks so their eastern for me on the website..... lol AHh hahaha... ill take your word for it and go with 5. Hopefully it works this time. I might have detention today, but i dont really remember. but ill get home around 4:30, so ill still make it.

angeline, haha yes it is in my head lol.. i like that one too; thanks:)


blahhhhhh......... school = hell. haha;-)
Posted Today 5:56 PM (GMT 0)
Ok, wake up you guys. I did this morning and looked at the times I set up. I'm pretty sure I had them backwards. 8 would be eastern, 7 central, 6 mountain, and 5 pacific, wouldn't it?

I had a stroke some years ago--only problems I still have is that I don't know left from right and can't remember number's that flipflop--like which way the time zones go. I happy though, I still know up from down!

My internet connection was down 3 hours this morning, so the ISP is having trouble. If I disappear from chat without saying bye, that will be the reason.

bev
Posted Today 8:44 PM (GMT 0)
haha alright :)
Posted 12/1/2005 12:55 AM (GMT 0)
NeverGetsEasyx, you are probably right about needing IE 6.0. In case you didn't see the requirements at the bottom of the page here's what it says.



Requirements:
PCs: IE 6.0+, Netscape 7.1+, Firefox 1.0+
MACs: IE 5.1
Posted 12/1/2005 1:03 AM (GMT 0)
yeah, i saw that then. On the first page it said IE 5.0, but then in the actual chat window it says IE 6.0. Its alright, i downloaded the newer version today.
Posted 12/3/2005 3:05 AM (GMT 0)
Hi girls. Sorry I missed all the excitement! I'm not doing so well, I have had a terrible week. I have fibromylsia and it has kicked my butt this week. My computer is up stairs. I'm having a hard time climbing them. So I hope you don't mind if I don't come on board till I feel better.
I did notice that we're not the three amigo's but four. Hi Nanse.
Well don't worry about me, It's just the change in weather, it happens this time each year. [Just in time for the busy holidays!] LOL
I had a wonderful week with my Dad. He went home early, but all the relatives got to see him, which was really great. He got tears in his eyes when his littlest great grandson climbed in his lap and said PaPa.
It was a happy week. Well I will talk to you later. God Bless. Diane
Posted 12/3/2005 3:14 AM (GMT 0)
Actually we are 5, now, but I don't know if one will come back. I hope so--she was one who was on chat that first time when you came on. Remember? Little Miss_, I'd like you to join our talks--whenever we get them going.

Angeline, take care of yourself, we'll be looking forward to you getting better and joining us again.

bev
Posted 12/4/2005 11:35 PM (GMT 0)
ive missed you ladies. haven't heard from any of you in awhile.

Hows everyone doing?
Posted 12/5/2005 12:53 AM (GMT 0)
Angeline53 put up a note saying that she's had an attack (crohns) and is having difficulty getting upstairs to the computer.  She said she would be back as soon as she was better.

I've been answering posts and wondering how you are.  Nance asked me about a private conversation, IM, or email.  So I'll be on chat with her tonight for a few minutes and see where that is going.  I may (or may not) be back after that to start a new post.

I guess you made it through your bad week.  I hope with minimum damage.  Did that page, and specifically that thought you liked, help you?  There were lots of good things on it.  I used about 1/2 of them (plus other things) while searching for a way to get better.  It's amazing some times what does help--some times really dorky sounding things.

bev

 

Posted 12/5/2005 1:18 AM (GMT 0)
Angeline53, sorry to hear about what happened. I hope everythings okay and works out.




Yes bev, as you can tell i made the week alive. I dont know what you'd consider minimum damage. But i made it, thats all that matters i guess, right? The website i believe did help, because it gave me more positive thoughts about things. 'n i can't tell you how many times ive re-read everyones posts. It really makes me feel like such a better person to read the things you all have to say. I dont know why, the feeling that i matter possibly. It means the world.


Enough about me, what has been going on in your life?
Posted 12/5/2005 3:54 AM (GMT 0)
My life rarely changes, but it did yesterday and today. I painted for the first time in years. I wanted a christmas picture over the mantle, so I painted my own. It really took me out of myself for the hours I worked on it. It's made to look like a kid painted it, so I signed it Jessica. I have no idea of why that name, it occured, so I used it. When I get off the computer I'm putting it up.

I'm glad the webpage and re-reading is helping you think better of yourself. That really is the whole trick to getting better. Unfortunately, it takes doing many things and trying many techniques before a person is convinced, once and for all.

bev
Posted 12/7/2005 10:43 PM (GMT 0)
i wish i could paint, to bad im horrible at art! haha.

 

" I love sleep.
My life has this tendency to fall apart when I'm awake "

        .. --> i love that quote.
Posted 12/8/2005 1:39 AM (GMT 0)
Ah, but you know about music.  I don't.  For me nearly all of it is just noise that clutters my mind.

Everyone has talents (painting is not one of mine--I just enjoy it).  Everyone has something they are better at, than almost anyone else (there's always someone who is better).  Everyone has traits and attitudes that others find enjoyable. 

I had an old friend, who was pretty much shunned by everyone.  He was always dirty from working on cars--I don't mean a bit smudgy.  I mean head to toe blackened.  He was missing teeth, so some young people made fun of him.

He was crippled enough that getting around was more like step, hop, and grab something to keep from falling, yet he took out and put back engines and any other car parts he needed to work on.  

I asked him once if he made enough money fixing old cars to make it worthwhile.  His answer was:  I loose money on every car.  Mostly people give them to me when they are broken down.  Then I buy parts and fix 'em up so they will run good.  Then I give them to the old timers, so they'll have cars.

I've often thought how much happier people would be if they didn't let their weaknesses get in the way of using their strengths.

So enjoy your music and the things you do well.  Use them to your advantage or like that old man did, to help others.

bev

Posted 12/10/2005 9:45 PM (GMT 0)
thanks.

ive been listening to angry music all day.  blasting it as loud as i can.  My mom caught me completly off guard.  she asked me if i was doing anything today; and i thought for once we might get along.  I said i dont think anything.  She caught me by surprise when she said good, we're going to your grams for her party.  (( a gay xmas party they have, i hate the holidays.)) I just looked at her and almost cryed.  Then i just got really angry.  This would be the first time i had to see him without my sister.  Usually i just stay around her and my lil cousins, and i feel fine.  Safe.  im crying while writing this because i dont know how im suposed/going to deal with this.  I was going to try to go to my best friends house (( shes the only one who knows about it thats my friend )) .. but she has to work.  Im trying to take this the best i can, but it seems like the clock is going so fast. 

I noticed my eyes are becoming a tinted yellow.  My pulse has been crazy latly, my body feels incredibly weak even if i do just a small amount of exercise.  Gym class i feel like im going to faint, and all we do is play volley ball-- not much movement. Ive always had a little bit of a shaking problem with my hands, but it seems like it got worse.  Could mean nothing, could mean everything.  To be perfectly honest, Im hoping it means something. 

thanks for listening.


The pills i take
to cover your mistake
this razor at my skin
to cover your sin
Every memory of you
unfortunatly has to be true
the blood dripping on the floor
deciding to cut once more
to you its just no big deal,
for me, now its so hard to feel
drinking til im drunk enough to smile.

I have just one question for you,

was it still worth it,

everything you put me through?

--> idk why; that just came to me.  Its werid because i written a poem in forever.

 

Posted 12/11/2005 2:01 AM (GMT 0)
I'm sorry I was out when you wrote this. I would like to have been here and been able to talk to you a bit. Odds are I couldn't have said anything worthwhile, because I have a trouble dealing with the way your mom pulled this fast one on you. Mom's are good at artful traps.

I hope you got through it ok.

bev
Posted 12/18/2005 2:57 AM (GMT 0)
Its been awhile.


A lot of things have happened since ive posted. 

christmas party at grams; well that was just, wow. I was scared, really scared, when i walked in the door.  It was the first time i'd be their with ... him... without my sister.  Their were five kids i basically babysat while everyone else (( big party )) was there and just talked to everyone.  I was in a different room, more of a play room. While everyone was in the dinning room, kitchen, and living room.  It was really great, at first.  The kids kept my mind off everything, their  such sweethearts i <3 them so much, and when about 2 hours passed by and i still didnt see him.. i realized i'd be alright.  Everyone told me i looked so beautiful, and changed alot.  But i was barely even out of that one room, unless the kids went out for a little bit.  guess who came into the room.  yeah.  four of the kids left to go get fruit, we were painting a picture with fruit lol, so their was only one kid with me.  While my gf was standing in the doorway, just looking at me, the kid ran out.  i started shaking and my mind was blank.  he started some convosation i dont even remember.  i wasnt even listening; i just kept wishing and thinking hed leave, but he didnt.  he moved into the room so i got up, and he asked me if i was with anyone.  i just said thats a confussing subject and then the kids all ran in.  i had an immediate relief. and he left.  i went into the bathroom and just stood looking at myself, which seemed like forever.  i started crying for awhile, becasue eventually their was just no way of holding it in.  I was so angry at the same time.  Why didnt i say something. Why didnt i ****ing kick him in the ****ing balls.  I hate him.  I really hate him.  Eventually i got the nerve to leave the bathroom, and went back into the "play room".  THe rest of the night was fine, but after that incident, it wasn't fine for me.  I didnt see him the rest of the night, but he was all i thought about.

I told myself i have to stop letting him get to me.  I really have to just pull together.  But everything latly has just been stressin' me out, im just 1-3 points away from failing 3 major class's, & with christmas coming, that doesn't help. The past couple of nights ive just been thinking, about everything. I hate it, i really do; but hating it wont fix it.


went shopping with my mother today.  she got cocky & basically yelled at me for being rude about my g.f.  Because she kept asking me what to get him and everytime we saw something i'd say he wasn't worth that much, or some TRUTHFUL comment. The fact she got mad, just... i can't even describe it.


sorry its long, but i needed to get something out.

thanks bev; dont know what id do without you*

Posted 12/18/2005 6:14 AM (GMT 0)
Hi kiddo--sorry I'm old. We say things like that. I think you are doing great! It's absolutely ok not to have done or said something. I hope that you got through it and that you get through Christmas without reverting to old ways. But back to your post.

The events tell me you aren't stuffing, and that is great. Everything you wrote tells me that the coffee grounds and water are in the pot--the heat is turned up--and everything is perking along. That's very good. It means that you will find exactly the right response for you, when it's done perking. Anything in the meantime won't be nearly as good or right for you. And that's what getting better is really about.

I'm glad you cried right after it happen too. That's also a good, and even better, you made it a private cry. That's very adult and the way healthy adults handle stresses in public situations. What's even nicer about it is that it sounds like you cried because you hadn't said what you wanted too. That's the orgin of crying--just like infants crying because they can't say, "give me my food." So it's healthy too.

And oh my how smart you are to realize that you need to stop letting him get to you--but don't worry about making that happen right away. If you do, the answer will be wrong for you. Let it perk along. Sometimes it won't be in your mind, sometimes it will be. Most of the time you won't be able to control when or how long it's in your mind, but as it perks along, you will gain control--even to the point of being able to say--thoughts go to sleep--I think about you tonight at 8:15, but I'm only giving you 15 minutes. And guess what. It will work. But again and as always only as long as things keep perking along and you don't stuff.

In the meantime, do the best you can on your grades. I would go to the teacher, who is easiest to talk to and ask for a bit of a break on grades. You don't have to explain, just say that something is going on in you mind and it makes concentrating hard right now, but you are working on it. Your good teachers already know that something isn't right--and they will appreciate hearing from you that you are working on it. They may cut you some slack. Ask and see what happens.

about your mom--well, that's more convoluted than your gf, and so harder to address, especially for me. Think of it like you are on two different sides of the street. You mom believes hers is the right side and wants you to cross the street (cross yourself) and get back to her side. You cannot do that and get to a better place in life.

There are a few ways to handle her trying to suck you in, that are better than spitting out anger (before it has perked enough). The goal is to defuse her. You could say something like, "I'd have to think about it." You could say, "Oh, look at this wouldn't it be perfect for cousin henry." You could be distracted, looking at the christmas decorations and not hear her. Enough of those and odds are she will shake her head and ignor you back.

There is another way. You could turn your back on her. This one is used in dog training--it's purpose is to say I am the alpha (top) dog. It is the equivalent of popping off one liners like you did above--without words. Hard to say how that one will turn out--you know the line, "Don't you turn your back on me!" So it has to be done differently--like a quarter or half turn. Then see what happens.

Those are all coping skills that adults use everyday without thinking about them. Coping skills are used to manipulate people (bad) or an environment (good), and you have to know the difference. With your mom, it's environmental--because she wants you on her side of the street. You are drawing a line and not crossing it. But if you used those to get a new outfit, you are manipulating the person. That's wrong and will cause you more grief in the future not less. You have to think!

So I hope this helps now and with future events.

bev
Posted 12/19/2005 3:20 AM (GMT 0)
Woww bev, i dont even know what to say! Your words seriously just hit me, in a great way.

One thing you said; "But if you used those to get a new outfit, you are manipulating the person. That's wrong and will cause you more grief in the future not less. You have to think!"
.. No, that is deffinatly not me. After all of the arguing, i got so frustrated i was really mean to her & after just one store of buying relatives things, we left. No, i didnt use it to get anything out of it. I'm not that type of person.

I think youre right about the whole ignoring thing. Next time instead of speaking something out, im just going to ignor her. Silence hurts more than words. Right? .. & if she still doesn't get the hint; which she probally will get it just ignor it; ill speak the truth.


Grades; The only teacher that would even listen to me if i said that would be my Latin teacher, but i think she notices somethings wrong. She gave me credit on an assignment i didnt do allready, and asks if everythings okay almost everyday. She never said anything to me about giving me credit on something i didnt do, and i didnt say anything to her. It could of easily been a typ-o ... but for some reason i doubt it was.


Im glad youre saying im doing better. At this moment i cant really tell a difference. I get really happy & then next week im all crappy again. I think i am improving on how to deal with things better, which is really what i needed to work on the most.

I was organizing my room lastnight; and i found a box full of cards. Every card that My gram & gf gave me, i tore his name out. everytime i opened a card, it would say my gram's name, and then a rip at the bottom where his name would be. I cryed, one tear. Yeah, just one. werid huh. Now that im sitting here thinking about it, im just surprised. Of how i reacted so calmly over it.


Christmas is going to be, not the easiest, but ive gotten through it before..... that means something.



Thanks bev, seriously. I feel such comfort when i read your responses, its really important to me.
Posted 12/19/2005 5:35 AM (GMT 0)
Good, I'm glad what I say helps.

I wasn't thinking that you were manipulating your mom to get something for yourself. I just wanted to make sure you understand the difference in manipulating environments and people. It's easy to slide into the people one without realizing--so I put it in for you and anyone else who may read to know there is a difference and to clarify what I meant.

That said, lets look at "ignoring because it will hurt her"--isn't that manipulating her to get a bit of revenge for you. Do the ignoring, but do it to stay on your side of the street. That's a really important distinction to avoid becoming the kind who takes pleasure in other people's misery.

Now as to the rest. Yes you are doing very good. You are taking charge of you. You are gaining in your coping abilities. That's what getting better is about and that's probably why just one tear and the calmness. It means a lot less conflict within you than there was when you began posting. It is a great sign.

I love it that you are taking Latin. I did too. 9th grade, Mrs Ewart. I flunked it, but signed up for the second year. She told me not to take it. I said lend me the book. I'll learn over summer. She did. I did. Then I aced the entire second year.

Talk to your Latin teacher the first day you get back to school. Honestly most adults want to help kids--they just want to know the kid is working on it.

Take care. Be good to yourself. Enjoy the good in every day. Don't stuff the bad, but set it aside for pondering later. If we don't talk again before, Merry Christmas.

bev
Posted 12/20/2005 11:38 PM (GMT 0)
Talking to my Latin Teacher is just one thing i couldnt' do.  I hate talking to people in person about my problems.  My Freshmen year, my friend went to guidence about her problems and somehow brought up me.  She mentioned my cutting to him, and she asked him to call me down and see if he could get anything out of me, 'cause i never told her anything that was going on.  He called me down, and did the regular rutien they do, how are you, what are things like at home, blah blah blah blah.  My grades were slipping but not horribly my freshmen year, so their was really nothing that showd him i was suffering.  He talked to me about how many students cutt in this school and asked me why i think they did, i said anger. After that I knew if i said anything, things would only get worse.  Eventually i told him i wanted to go back to class, and before he even said anything,  i left.  He hasn't called me down since. Talking about my problems was just something i could never do... these couple of weeks online me talking to you, is the most ive ever said about anything.  I guess im improving.


hopefully youre right about everything. its time things get better.

Hope youre doing good.

Thanks; Merry Christmas to you too. Hope its a great one*

Posted 12/21/2005 12:55 AM (GMT 0)
It sounds like your friend was concerned about you and tried to do a "good" thing for you. Even though schools encourage that sort of thing, I don't approve of spilling your guts, just because someone in authority asks. In fact, I'm dead set against what your friend did except in very, very extreme situations. Had your friend had the guts to walk you into the counselors office with you and stay as support that would have been a bit better. But best of all, would have been like we've done--suggest you get counseling--make information available--then leave up to you the when, where, and how.

I'm sure in my head and heart that you are doing better. I read differently than other people--notice difference in phrasing, clarity, and lots of things. Those things as well as your words tell me you are beginning to take charge of your life. That's very good.

What I suggested in the last email is what I recommended above it. Here is how I worded it 12/17.

"In the meantime, do the best you can on your grades. I would go to the teacher, who is easiest to talk to and ask for a bit of a break on grades. You don't have to explain, just say that something is going on in your mind and it makes concentrating hard right now, but you are working on it. ...."

When I was your age, I asked teachers for favors without explaining why. I generally got them. I gave my daughter the same advice I'm giving you now, and she generally got favorable responses too. It's about approaching adults in an adult manner. They will respond to that.

Years ago my son who hadn't talked to me in 14 years got into a financial bind. He called wanting money. He had his whole speach worked out--and planned to say to me the things his father would have asked him. I kept interrupting all of his explanations of why he needed the money, saying "that's not what I asked; I asked how much do you need." Then again and again he tried to explain and I interrupted. He finally gave me an amount and I asked are you asking for a gift or a loan? Again he tried to explain why he needed the money. Again I interrupted, saying "that's not what I asked; I asked if you are asking for a gift or a loan." He tried again to tell me why he needed the money, and again I interrupted. He finally made the mistake of saying loan (dummy-he could have gotten it as a gift). So after he said Loan, I asked when it would be repaid--and again he tried to tell me what he wanted it for. Again I interrupted, saying, "that's not what I asked; I asked when will you pay it back." Finally, he listened and answered. I said ok and asked shall I mail a money order or do you want me to bank transfer. He answered that directly--thank goodness!

It was a terrible time for him; I was giggling inside. I wanted him to ask adult to adult, "This is what I need, can you help me out"--with no explanations, no excuses, nothing else. I was like a mother dog, nipping at a pup to teach him an adult lesson. I wanted him to learn not to grovel, beg, or make excuses. I wanted him to respect himself too much to ever do any of that again. It's the adult way.

Oh, I guess I might as well add, it took 2 more loans before he could just call and ask. Nothing comes easily when it's new!

bev
Posted 12/24/2005 1:47 AM (GMT 0)
Yeah, the school system, i just dont trust; haha.


Thank you for caring. I'm glad you have such strong faith in me. I do think I've made an improvement, which is surprising since around the holidays im at my weakest.

In school I'm making sure i get all my work done, and am studying. yeah me, studying wow! haha. We haven't had much work latly though because of winter break. (( had off school today, big relief )) I felt so glad just to have one day of nothing; just relaxing. All i really did today was sleep, i was so exhausted.


Your story made me laugh:).
Ahh, its it great though people decide they talk to you; when they want something.



Me and my mom actually got along for almost a full 20 mins lol
She was arguing with me, because she thought it was saturday. I kept telling her it was friday and she would not believe me. ( she fell asleep and then woke up, so i guess she thought it was AM... all she does is sleep.)) Then she was freaking out because she had to be at work.. i told her she allready went to work and she continued to argue with me, and i just laughed. Then i reminded her it was PM and not AM and she started laughing. Thats just a little piece of how things used to be lol, all laughs<3
.. then shortly after, we got into a fight, which.. well... kind of wrecked the moment



thanks for listening once again.
Hope your day went great!
Posted 12/24/2005 3:17 AM (GMT 0)
This was not a bad day, but it was a day with lousy events.  My husband has been sick, but refused to go to the doctor.  This morning he couldn't deny it any longer--and I took him to the emergency room.  He has pneumonia.  They wanted to keep him for a couple days.  He said no.  I reminded him of how he felt this morning.  He still said no.  Shortly after the doctor came in and said the only reason he felt better was the oxygen--so he'd better stay.  He finally agreed.

Men can be soooooo stubborn!

The other lousy event is that I got a puppy yesterday--she spent 11 hours in doggy crate getting here--then today she wound up back in it for most of the day.  Poor thing.  You can see her at www.tahoecanaandogs.com She's the big picture, and if you click on her name Willow, you can see several shots of her.  She's very sweet.

I'm glad you can see the improvement in yourself--and I am so glad that you are able to concentrate better and are studying again.  I hope you can get all your grades up high enough to get credit for "time served."   I picked that one up from a teacher, so see they do know what it's like for students.

My husband's family are supposed to call and let me know they are leaving.  Then I'll go back for a few more hours to keep him company til they kick me out.

bev

 

Posted 12/24/2005 7:56 AM (GMT 0)
Husband and dog doing fine. The house is quiet. I'm a more settled down now.

Twenty minutes of getting along is better than not getting along. This one is kind of neat, because you have some good tease material. After I had the stroke, my son couldn't convince me that columbus discovered america in 1492--I was sure it was 1942. I still get teased about that.

I love telling that story on my son. He had been a real screw up in grade school and high school. He was the kind that flew imaginary airplanes and fell out of his chair during class. The school thought I was crazy, because I always believed in him and insisted he was going to college.

Once they tried to tell me he wasn't college material. I told them to get out his testing records. The vice principal--pointed at some scores and said, "See what I mean." I pointed at another and asked, "What does that mean?" knowing full well it was his IQ. It was plenty high enough.

I wasn't around him during high school, but I heard he flunked typing 3 times, algebra twice, and more that I can't remember. Then it took him 10 years to get through 4 years of school--he flunked his first year, then worked a year and went a year, but he was also spendy.

The money he borrowed turned out to be for his last semester, which I had pretty well guessed while I was cutting off his prepared explanations. When he graduated, he beat out a A student for a good job. Today he has an even better one.

It hasn't been a fairy dream. He was afraid to get married. A year after he did, his wife developed cancer, which aside from the scare, added to his already big college debt. He worked very long hours for good salary in that first job and wasn't happy. He was afraid to leave it, because it represented security. He was afraid to have a child, but he finally did--and he no sooner did that, than he left his job and after a rough year, found about the best possible job in his field.

So he went to college, not really believing in himself, but he got through it. He got past all the monsters at his door--college debt, marriage, illness, more debt, child, job security. Today he is oh, so happy.

Things weren't right in the household he was raised in, and it's taken his time and courage to overcome them in order to make his life what he dreamed of. That's how I know others can do that too.

bev
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