Major Rut.

Ugh. Well. It's been a while.
Things are not so hot and I'm in quite a rut. I know it's the depression because blessings (at least a couple) have literally been dropped into my lap and my lack of motivation and self defeating BS has blown it.
Upped my meds (Citalopram) to 30 mg and it seems to just make me a big slug. Gained weight. Drinking a LOT which I never did so regularly. Not getting out of bed till 11, not sleeping well. Not working regularly. No money. No real romantic leads. Just existing. Day to day. Hardly put on makeup anymore. A few too many pants free days here. And a lot of xanax. I feel like a big loser.
I have no structure. No desire for any, but no desire for ANYTHING. It's Saturday night and my friends are either out with their families and spouses or with their friends out having fun. I'm bitter that I'm not out but I wouldn't have gone out anyway. Does that make sense?
I am constantly stressed, making bad decisions and very isolated and avoiding my family, who are going through trials of their own (parents, siblings, finances). I feel very alone despite having a million friends. And I don't see how I'm going to get out of it this time.
Wondering if I should wean myself off the meds and start from square one? Sober up? Stop the xanax? Hop on a treadmill? But it's just all too overwhelming for me these days and I just end up sitting on the couch staring at my phone.
My Goodness, it really sounds like I'm whining, but I just kind of needed to get it all off my chest. My mom who is 76 is extremely depressed as well and I feel like a jerk for not being able to support her. Guilt. All that stuff.
Anyways....need to take a first step- but deciding to take a first step exhausted me enough!!!!
Thanks for letting me vent. It's been a while since I've logged in to HW (as I was on a nice UP for a while there) and forgot how much it makes me feel better just reading your posts, and supportive responses. Makes me feel less alone. . . .

I'd be careful if you use medication while drinking. It can trigger intoxication if they clash. As for your friends; I think you should try to find other things to occupy your time and don't bother with the people that aren't there in the bad times. Maybe go to a social event organized on Gumtree or go to the local gym, or pool hall.

Hi WeezyJefferson,

I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone. The majority of the feelings you discussed are things I can completely relate to in my current situation. My best advice is to just never stop seeking support from loved ones or this forum and to follow any medical advice you receive. I know that one of my biggest hurdles has been a lack of support, so, seeing as I am just learning my way around here, I am going to activate the email option, should you choose to get in touch. I can't help but want to personally reach out when I find people whose posts I can relate to so closely. If you want to talk, I am here! When I'm feeling that way, I try my best to keep my negative thoughts or self-talk at bay by replacing them with positive affirmations (i.e. "I am confident, I am capable, I believe in myself). I can't say it's a miracle cure, but it does help. Keep in touch! Best wishes.