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Sudden and Powerful Emotional Times...why? Long but REALLY want your input!!

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Posted 11/26/2005 3:07 PM (GMT 0)
Also posted on the Anxiety Board since this involves both depression and anxiety. There is a poll on the other post, if you are interested. Thanks for reading and replying, if you do so!

 

Hello all! I hope you are having a great day today and have recovered from TurkeyDay! (Finally today I don't feel like I was stuffed just like that bird!)

 

I was thinking about change last night and this morning. Change seems to send me into an emotional tizzy; one minute I'm fine and the next minute I am the Tazmanian devil spinning wildly out of control. I'm better than I used to be. I use to nearly destroy everything within reach by being irate, nasty, raging against the change and at people who were unfortunate enough to have to cross my path, resistant to the change... until finally I had to accept the change and when I did it wasn't as catastrophic as I had imagined it was going to be... 

 

I still do this but to a lesser degree and much more internally. As you can imagine, my behavior as I described above was not welcome in the workplace, so I had to do something else with my anger and resistance, my fear of change.

 

Now, it comes much more quietly, as if sneaking up on me so I won't notice... Then suddenly I am in the full throes of it and I am falling apart. Uncontrollable crying for hours or days, panic spikes for hours and takes days to settle back down, the feeling of loss and doom is there scaring me and that spikes and relents also. It is so emotionally exhausting! And I can't seem to see it coming but having identified it as having something to do with change, I hope will finally help me to deal with it.

 

Do you ever experience this? From change or any other cause? What do you do? How do you slow it down when it happens so you can see what's going on?

 

If I can identify my source of discomfort (right now I think it's change) then I can also identify my source of comfort, I believe.

 

I am not on meds any more so a change in meds/dosage is not what I'm looking for. I want to learn and know what is happening because I think I can change the course of it with that knowledge amd support from wonderful folks like you!

 

Any feedback at all is so welcome! Thank you!!

~Nanse

 

 

Post Edited (Nanse) : 11/26/2005 8:29:39 AM (GMT-7)

Posted 11/26/2005 5:06 PM (GMT 0)
I suspect you are experiencing a "big bang." The big bang theory is about making too many big of changes all at once. It puts people into situations they aren't quite ready for and they fall. It's like climbing a ladder too high--and then falling off the top of it. You land on the ground, in someways, worse than when you started up the ladder.

Here's and example and how I learned about it. My son had school problems (6th grade) that were making him terribly sad. We made a plan of action and he worked very hard. At the end of the grading period, inspite of doing much better in all his classes, he didn't get his expected (and earned) higher grades. He arrived home while I was at work. He went in his room--his headphones didn't work, he went to the garage and his bike had a flat and his motorcycle was out of oil. He saw his brother with a bebe gun--took it and shot $1,700 worth of windows out of the empty house next door.

That was so uncharacteristic of him, I didn't know what to do or think. I called a special ed teacher, told him what happen, and asked what to do. He said don't punish him, don't yell at him, don't call him dumb or say it was dumb. He's had a big bang and he explained it to me. The teacher said to tell him he will have to earn the money to pay for the windows--nothing else. We did that--and it was exactly right. My son earned that money and kept on trucking on his grades.

So if you are having big bangs, find what went wrong (like his grades not matching expectations) and if you harmed anyone (with words or deeds) and figure out how to make it right. Don't blame yourself, don't beat yourself up. Just realize big bangs are part of getting better and you will have them from time to time until your level of emotional welbeing and your achievements match.

bev
Posted 11/26/2005 7:20 PM (GMT 0)
Thanks Bev,

 

Interesting idea.

 

I'm not sure if it applies to me though.

 

I had been on SSRI's for 10 years and depressed since I can remember. 2 months ago I quit the SSRI's without weaning, went through terrible withdrawals and now am psych drug free. (I still take synthroid and crestor; quit SSRI's of 10 years and Xanax of 2 months). I quit smoking last March.

 

I am not in therapy but I have someone to talk to who is trained (doctorate in clinical psych) and whom I trust and love a lot and I enjoy talking with and talk with on a daily baisis, usually.

 

I lost a lot of things in the last 10 years: both parents, my job of 12 years (entire office was downsized), 2 other jobs from downsizing, my house to foreclosure, bankruptcy, my car to reposession. I moved to Florida 2 and a half years ago after planning to move to be closer to my mother because she had had some health problems; on a trip down before moving, I found her dead. I moved anyway and lost my car here, after arriving. I am now making less money than ever, riding buses and walking everywhere, and have no feeling of moving forward. I feel lost.

 

I don't see a big bang situation since most of this took place a while ago and since it happens over the littlest of things sometimes, but maybe that is the best explanation for it.

 

thanks for replying!

 

Nanse

 

 

Posted 11/26/2005 9:03 PM (GMT 0)
Nope, big bang doesn't fit. I made wrong assumptions when you talked about change. Having so many things happen is alot on anyone's plate. Considering how one thing piled on another, you have every right to want the world to stop for a while.

I'm not sure this will apply either, but here's another thing I learned from the special ed teacher, "The smallest change is the best change." With all the big curves life has thrown you, maybe you just need to keep all changes as small as possible for a while.

I hope you get lots of responses and find the best one for you.

bev
Posted 11/27/2005 11:38 AM (GMT 0)
Bev,

 

Thanks for being here, I appreciate your replies.

 

I have thought more about this and I came to the conclusion there was something I needed to let go of. Something I was trying to hang on to that was creating a lot of panic when I thought about it and when I thought about letting it go.

 

I did not have a loving childhood and I've always longed for warm, loving mothering. It became something I was too focused on and the longing was intense. It was not real to be thinking about trying to find it as an adult, so I've decided to look for the loving quality of it in real relationships and let go of the longing and actually wishing I could find a mothering kind of relationship, if that makes any sense to you! I'm walking away from it and taking with me the awareness it created in me for a need for being loved and deserving to be loved. That awarenees is a good thing and I can use that effectively to find what I want and need.

 

There may also be other things I do this with and I will have to think more about this and see what I come up with. Right now I am going to see what happens, how I feel, by putting down this heavy burden and walking away from it.

 

Thanks for your replies!

 

~Nanse

Posted 11/27/2005 5:55 PM (GMT 0)
First I do understand perfectly, "so I've decided to look for the loving quality of it in real relationships and let go of the longing and actually wishing I could find a mothering kind of relationship, if that makes any sense to you!"

You can find a surrogate mom too. I was lucky and found the perfect person, my friend Joan. She is my "compendium of information" about the town we live in, for choices I need to make, for support and caring. I'd volunteered in her classroom for a few years when my life fell apart. One day she and another teacher--the one I was actually friends with--came to the house. I'd been sitting in a chair for two months. Somehow Joan got me out of the chair and to my first counseling. That was 1982. I still call her when life throws me curve balls.

I can't say the following is true, accurate, or correct, but I think having a surrogate mom gave me the mom-love I needed, and having mom-love made it possible for me respond well to a loving man. Like I said, I don't know if that is how it worked for me, but I think so. I just wanted to mention it.

You know how a person gives their mom's really nice presents when they can. My love for my surrogate is so strong that when I got my severance pay, I wrote her a check that covered all the costs for her and her husband to take their dream trip to Australia. You know what else was cool about that, while her husband kept telling me, it's not too late to take it back, my surrogate mom, just said thank you. And now thinking about her understanding that it was important to me, I have tears in my eyes.

bev
Posted 11/27/2005 7:42 PM (GMT 0)
Bev I am SO happy for you! I'm so glad you found someone!

I'll still let go of the notion, but keep my mind open to the idea. I just don't think it's very realistic for me to be focusing on so intensely. It would be wonderful, but I don't think it's likely and that's okay to me now.

Your gift to your surrogate Mom was so generous and loving. You are really something!

Thank you so much for your reply--it does give me hope!

Nanse
Posted 11/27/2005 8:07 PM (GMT 0)
Finding a surrogate mom just happens. This is exactly how:

"I have someone to talk to ... and whom I trust and love a lot and I enjoy talking with and talk with on a daily baisis, usually."

Joan and I talked almost daily for a long time--then I read an article on surrogate mom's to replace the crappy ones, and realized that's what I had in Joan. Since she's only 4 years older than me; it seems a bit strange, but that's ok.

My gift was to straighten out my "books" with her. I owed her my life and my sanity for getting me out of that chair and cheering me on through all the years it took to get better. It wasn't even a small part of what I would like to have done for her and her husband. He never complained, even once, about the hours she spend on the phone with me--and occasionally he was a subsitute cheerleader.

bev
Posted 11/28/2005 12:51 AM (GMT 0)

Bev, thanks for sharing that with me; I really do appreciate it.

I have had someone to talk to on a daily basis and one of the reasons I am giving up on the surrogate mother idea is that I keep feeling like she's pulling away. It is an anonymous correspondence on another board site. When I think of how much I would like her to be that for me, but really can't because of the nature of our corresponding, it just frustrates me and causes me a lot of pain, so I've decided to give it up. I can still correspond with her but I want to do it without the desire I have for her to be that for me. I think it will be easier on me this way. 

Or, I am imagining her pulling away because I have done that before when she hasn't been but instead I have been... I have a real problem feeling close to anyone.  So, I just don't know if she is pulling away or not and I can't ask because I'm afraid of the answer.

I think you are very lucky and I'm so happy for you!

Nanse

Posted 11/28/2005 1:58 AM (GMT 0)
I am very lucky and very appreciative of that.

One of the remarkable things about Joan was that she always told me in advance when she would be gone for a day or two. After a few times, I realized the she was playing peek-a-boo with me, like you do with a child, so the child will learn that mom can disappear and will be back.

Of course I have no way of knowing what is in the mind of your friend, but let time, not suppositions be the determiner of what is going on.

And assigning someone that status of surrogate mom is a big leap of faith--Joan and I had years of conversations, but I ran across the article and knew it was right. Time also decides if it is to be.

bev
Posted 11/28/2005 4:01 AM (GMT 0)

Hi Nance and Bev,

I hope you don't mind me "butting" in.  I do not know if this is what you experience or not but sometimes the littlest thing can set me off.  I will lose my temper.  It doesnt always last long and when at work I keep it to myself.  I will yell, swear, hit things (the wall, a door), throw things (I have never hurt anyone or hit anyone.  I could not do that.)  One time it nearly cost me a friendship.  It is too long of a story to go into here so will make it real brief (I hope!).  I am in a group of 2, sometimes 3 that go out to dinner one night a week.  It is the same night each week.  Well, the day before one of those nights my friend said she was not sure she could go.  She had commitments during the day and it may not be possible to be free.  I tried calling her to no avail like I said I would and finally got her stepdad who said she had gone out to dinner with another friend of hers.  I totally lost it and I called on both her cell and home phone and totally went off on her.  She could have called me and told me where to meet them but her other friend, at the time, did not like me for some reason.  We get along now.  Well turns out they had only gone for a drink, not dinner and she was rather upset with me for what I had said on the phone.  It took a little while, but we are best friends again.  That was a while back, last summer.  I wish I knew how to control my temper.  I do take meds and am seeing a new therapist as mine moved across country.  Is this anything like you have experienced?

I lost my mom when I was 24 years old so I too look for a surroget mother.  I have a "play mom" that I have known since 1984.  She is really nice but she can be critical at times and sometimes I will say something about something and she will say that is stupid. (ex. she thinks those blow up figures you see everywhere for the holidays in peoples yards are stupid.  I like them.  My dad has one for Halloween and one for Christmas)  It bugs the crap out of me at times.

I hope what I have said made sense.  I too, have been thru a very rough year so I understand what it is like to go thru changes.

Chelsi

Posted 11/28/2005 8:48 AM (GMT 0)
I yelled, swore, and threw things--not much hitting. Mostly I was just so volitile, mean and ornery that people avoided me. Now I generally have the sense to be selective about when and where I go off.

I still get angry and I still act on it. The difference is that I'm not in remote control anymore. 20 years ago I went into remote control anger--that's the kind you described--where you "have to" act on it. The answer sounds simpler than learning to use it is. Allow yourself to be angry, but put off expressing the anger by using this: "I can be angry, but I don't have to act on it."

If you like John Wayne, you'll recall the scene where he says, "I oughta hit you, but I'm not going to." Then he turns around, turns back, and says, "the hell I'm not" and wollops the other guy. You will have times, especially at the beginning where you will decide like John Wayne did that, acting in remote control is ok--and the day that happens, you are in control--be it ever so slight of--of your anger. In time, you will learn to pick times and places to express that anger.

There aren't a lot like Joan, but they are out there. I mentioned above that Joan used peek-a-boo, to help me learned to get through days without her support. It was also to build trust. Another thing she did was never criticize cockamamy schemes I came up with.

That mystical good mom isn't a critical person. Keep talking to people. Keep bringing better and better people into your life. No one needs a mom that uses the word stupid.

bev
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