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Posted 12/12/2005 6:08 PM (GMT 0)
Hi everyone. I don't know if what i have is depression so I decided to find some whrere I could get some info.

I am 33 years old married with three wonderful kids. I have a good job that pays me well, but I still feel unhappy.

I constantly feel unsure off myself and what I really want. I am constantly re thinking my life and all the choices I have made. I can't concentrate and focus my energy on spesific tasks. I find my self thinking of things that make no sence over and over again. When there a few people around me and all talking at once I feel like I can't hear anything that is being said.  All the sounds seem to be mufled and far away. I tune them all out. I always get an instant headache when I am in a situation  like this.

What is going on with me. Help.

Posted 12/12/2005 8:07 PM (GMT 0)
Tough to answer what is going on with you. I would guess that you are at the beginning of what can deteriorate into a depression that might mess up your life, but hopefully you caught it early enough. Pay attention to the things you are thinking that "make no sense." Odds are they are trying to alert you to a coming crisis--as if to say "but, but, pay attention to me. You've ignored me. I want my fair share too."

Figuring it out isn't easy--nor is knowing the right road to take, so here's a clue. Make notes about the repetative messages, include what you are doing when they hit. Start with the assumption that they were triggered by something going on around you and see if you can find a pattern or trigger. If so, that's what you need to change--but the change has to be the smallest change possible. For instance, if seeing Aunt Betty sets you off--you don't shoot Aunt Betty. Just think of the smallest change you can make--it's not a question of it being the right answer, just the smallest change you can make that comforts you.

It's like the public speaking thing, the smallest change a person can make is thinking of the audience being naked--that one doesn't help me, but thinking that the guy or gal in the fourth seat from center in the third isle loves every word I'm saying does help me.

So the smallest change has to fit you. It's a way of getting over being stuck, which sounds like where you are now.

bev
Posted 12/14/2005 1:36 AM (GMT 0)
This sounds just like me. I have been diagnosed with major depression. I am not on an antidepessant because I am on topamax for migranes and my doc thought it would also work for the depression. Well, it is not. I feel like you described. It is very scary. I am seeing my doc in two days and demanding an antidepressant. I have been on them before and they have helped. Are you on any meds? I defenitly think you should go to your doctor and talk to him or her about how you are feeling. You do not need to feel like this every day.
Posted 12/14/2005 3:46 PM (GMT 0)
Have you seen a doctor? I'm wondering about ADD? My son has it,and although it took them so long to finally get him on the right meds he says he feels like a different person.
Your story brings me to what I always say,not everything is what it looks like on the outside. Take my b/f's parents.They are very well off,neither have ever worked a day in their life. Have money to do whatever they want.
3 great kids that are all doing well ect ect
Except both of them have anxiety attacks and depression. Just hanging around them for a day I figured that out.
Your life may seem perfect,but I don't think your touching on what is really going on deep inside of you...
Posted 12/14/2005 8:23 PM (GMT 0)
No I am not on any meds.  I have thought about going to the doctor just havn't got up the courage to do it. At times I feel like I am going crazy and that any doctor is just going to say the same thing. I have mentioned it to my husband but all he has to say is that he is sick of seeing me sad all the time, then just walks away or turns around and goes to sleep. I can' believe that even as I write this I am crying. I do not know who I am anymore. I feel completely lost. When people are around I put on a smile and laugh but deep down  I want to open my door walk away and never turn back. My kids keep me here.

Posted 12/14/2005 11:37 PM (GMT 0)
It certainly sounds like depression. Even those of us who have been diagnosed don't have the smarts to say for sure, but it has quite a few of the earmarks of a major depressive episode. If you've been on meds before and they helped, then you probably should consider using them again. Maybe a second opinion about how this mixes with your headache meds would be worth a shot. Hang in there.
Posted 12/14/2005 11:50 PM (GMT 0)
Helpless make an appointment with your Dr.asap.He can help Id he can't he should refere you to another Dr.
Posted 12/17/2005 3:09 AM (GMT 0)
I am really thinking about seeind a doc. I am scared. i do not know what is real anymore. I do not know if what I feel is real or just my mind playing tricks on me. There are just soooooo many things that I am unsure about. I just do not think that anybody unerstands. All I want to do is drink and forget about everybody. HELPPPPPPPP.
Posted 12/18/2005 6:37 PM (GMT 0)

Hi Helpless,

You've received good support and ideas here. I too hope you will see a doc. You are unhappy and want to feel better. Tell your doctor what you said in your post, or print it and take it with you to help you remember or to have him/her read if you can't say it out loud.

You say in your first post that you think "of things that make no sense over and over again". Can you say more about those things you are thinking about?

Also, your exprerience with the voices becoming muffled when there are people around you talking sounds like it could be panic. Do you have other symptoms that could be panic?

I hope you feel better and I hope your husband comes around to understanding and being supportive.

Post back and let us know how you are doing, okay?

Nanse :-)

Posted 12/19/2005 9:06 PM (GMT 0)
remember if you are depressed alcohol is a depressant and wont help you get out of a depressed state...see your doc he/she can help..
Posted 12/19/2005 10:06 PM (GMT 0)

 I think about how my life would be if I never got married and had  kids. How much easier it would be to be alone. That thought alone drives me crazy because I would give my life for my kids. I sit there and think about how the neighbours seem to have this wonderful life. I look at people and automaticaly I compare them to myself. Of coarse they always end up being better. At time I even forget what I was thinking about. It is as if I black out.

I have these thoughts (memories) about being a small girl and something bad happening to me. Something I do not even want to write about.  Not knowing if it is a true memory or just a horrible dream that I still remember a bit, drives me crazy.

I remeber thing that I have done and regret with all my heart. I have a lot of regrets.

My life seems like a movie. When I am in front of people(the camera) I smile, laugh, and I am always pretending that everything is ok. When the camara goes off so does the smile.

What should I do. 

Posted 12/20/2005 2:56 AM (GMT 0)
Hi helpless, What you are saying doesn't sound too different from what everyone who talks honestly to themselves has to say to themself.

But let's play can you top that. My middle son was a true hyperactive child. He ran away all the time, even as a toddler. I used to wish he would get hit by a car--and injured just bad enough to hospitalize him for a few weeks. Once a brand new cop brought him home and all full of himself, he told me what a lousy mother I was and threatened to take my son. I said just a minute. I tossed a few things in a grocery bag, went back to the door and handed it to the cop, saying, "Fine, but since you think you have all the d*** answers, take him to your house and see how you like it!" He said no.

I also thought about the wonderful lives other people had, but 20 years later when my hyper son graduated from college and my neighbors kids were sitting in jail, I was glad I'd stuck it out. Comparing does work out! You just need to give it time and compare based on your strengths.

And we all have regrets--lots of them.

My life is soap opera supreme! Ask Nanse; I told her about the first 20 years--and she was going oh, my god! We didn't even get into the next 20, which tops the first in being years of misery. The few people who know a lot about it, say it wouldn't fit in a movie. It would have to be at least a mini-series.

And I also had something I remember from when I was about 4. That was 59 years ago. My mother spent her entire life denying there was truth to it. I spent my life gathering evidence, trying to make sense out of it. Eventually I decided I trusted myself to remember correctly and put it in the true bin. That wasn't good enough for my daughter. This spring she asked questions--found out it was a true memory and more about it.

I don't know what is going on with you or what your memory is, but you are talking around it, so you must want to delve into it. It's probably time for you to do that, so you can sort it out and get on with your life.

bev
Posted 12/20/2005 5:35 AM (GMT 0)
Hi Helpless,

I understand your concerns about the things you are thinking and that the thoughts can make you feel ashamed and as if there is something wrong with you. But there isn't. They are just thoughts, and it's okay to have them.

No matter what course a person chooses for his/her life there are times that we question our decisions and sometimes criticize our decisions. But remember we are looking at the situation with today's mind and not with the mind we had then; our mind is always changing and growing. So today you could see a different solution to something that years before would have been impossible for you to have seen. That doesn't make your thought or your earlier decision wrong or bad. Of course you love your kids! But we all have times where we wonder.. what if?... what would my life be like now if I had done something different? Think about it a while; come up with the things that sound like they would make you happier and see if they are things you can still have or make happen--it could be possible!

A therapist will help you sort these things out, including the nagging, fearful wondering about if something happened to you as a child. It's what they do; it may be new to you but it isn't new to them and they know how to help. They love to help and it's why they chose their profession and worked so hard to become therapists. 

Your posting and talking here is good too! And I think it shows you are ready or getting ready to talk with a professional so you can feel much better.

Have a wonderful day today!

Nanse

 

Posted 12/23/2005 6:35 AM (GMT 0)
Thank you for your encouraging words Nanse, and all the rest of you. I want to make a change. I want to stop feeling the way that I do. I just don't know how to do it. I don't think I am ready to talk to a therapist. I feel that it would be a waste of time because I would not be 100% honest with them. I have gone through my whole life keeping things in and when asked "how are you?" or "how is everything?" my automatic response is "fine"

I do not know how to say anything more than that.

I am at a point where I am finding it hard to hide. I was at the mall doing some christmas shopping with my husband today. Well, I was feelink OK, but as soon as I walked into the crowded mall I felt like I was 3' tall. I felt like I did not belong there. My steps felt as though they were tiny little steps. At one point I felt as though everyone that looked at me was judging me in a negative way.

I got mad at my husband for a stupid reason and used that as an excuse to leave the mall. On my way to the car my tears would not stop. My husband did not say a word. When I said something to him his response was that that was the last time he would go shopping with me. I think he is just tired of seeing me cry. Today I think I cried about 5 times in a matter of 3 hours. What is going on with me.

 

Posted 12/23/2005 6:31 PM (GMT 0)
Dear helpless,

Good news! All the reason you say about not being ready for a therapist are exactly the things a therapist can help you with! Even when you say "fine" or say "I don't know how to say what I'm feeling"--those are things a therapist will help with. This is just how so many of  us are with therapists and they know that and know how to help. Even if you go and say "I think I need to be here, but I'm not sure what to say or where to start and some things that bother me are embarrassng to talk about.", the therpist can take it from there. You don't have to do all the work. :-)

I am with you on the shopping in that I can't take it much. But I tend to get critical and angry--not with the help, just with the fellow shoppers. Last night I was out and everyone who stood in front of me and blocked my view, etc I realized I had scathing words for in my head, criticizing every hair on their head, there clothing, you name it. (All this was silent, internal, and with a smile on my face.) I laughed at myself when I realized what I was doing because I thought to myself "Well, don't you have a lot of nerve being so critical of everyone. lol. Here you are out shopping at the last minute and it seems as if you expect to have the store to yourself!" It worked, I calmed down and I realized I was done shopping for the night because I can only take it in small doses, especially at Christmas. And then I can't wait to get back home to quiet. 

What is going on with you because you are crying? You are feeling something first, then you are crying. You may not know what that is right now. It could be your sense of being overwhelmed at the mall, and if that's what it is, that's okay. You feel what you feel.

I hope today is a good day for you and you are making it like you want it. Take care of you! Gently, lovingly take care of you.

I hope you post again and let me know how you are!

Nanse

Posted 12/24/2005 1:03 AM (GMT 0)

Right now I am getting ready to go spend a few days at my parents house for christmas. I have alraedy threatened my husband with devorce, we havn't even left the house yet.

I will let you know how it goes. I am so dreding it. I love them, but I do not want to put up with the comoction.

Well I hope you all have a great Christmas and I hope you all have a graet new year.

Posted 12/24/2005 1:06 AM (GMT 0)
Merry Christmas to you, too!

I hope you have a peaceful visit. Write when you get back, okay?

Nanse

Posted 12/28/2005 3:43 PM (GMT 0)
How was everyones Christmas? Hope you all had a great time.

I had a good time at the parents house. A lot of commotion, but I got through it.

I will writ e again have to go to work

Posted 12/28/2005 11:28 PM (GMT 0)
I'm glad you had a good time!

Now you are back to peace and no chaos!

Nanse

Posted 12/29/2005 1:46 PM (GMT 0)

You say that you don't think you would see a therapist because you couldn't be totally honest. That is something that therapists are trained to do, to help a person become more honest about what's going on.

I think honesty is at the core of your problem. I don't think you've been honest with yourself about a lot of things. And here's the problem with that, it's so easy over time to lose your sense of self when you're not honest. That's why it can turn into general anxiety and depression.

And it's not like you can change that over night. It's very hard to do it by yourself. That's why you probably need a professional.

Others have done it and you can too.

Ed

Posted 12/29/2005 5:28 PM (GMT 0)
Dear helpless I am feeling so much like you right now. I am always angry at the people who are closest to me. Why? I just want to be alone or watching tv. Not on the phone not helping others even though I put on such a great face with others. Then I get home and I want to go to bed and curl up and not think of anything.
I think we both need to talk to someone who is objective. But then I get embarrassed about making the appointment.
Posted 12/31/2005 2:11 AM (GMT 0)

Hi Helpless,

 

How are you doing? Christmas came and went, thank goodness! And now after we get through this weekend, it will be back to "normal" whatever that is.

 

Have you been able to make a doctor/therapy appointment yet? Please remember that it can be a stressful decision to make and it can be hard to get to that first appointment, and it is okay to be feeling unsure when you do those things.  Being able to say exactly why you are making the appointment is not necessary; all you need to say is you are depressed. They might try to get a feel for how depressed you are to see if you need an immediate appointment. Tell them you need an immediate appointment; having to wait is nerve-wracking when it's your first time. Then, when you get there, start simple and let the doc ask the necessary questions.

 

I hope you are feeling better and I hope you are still planning to make your appointment. Keep in mind that I bug you because I care!! I'll be thinking of you and I hope you post again soon! In the meantime, do something good for you!

 

Nanse

Posted 12/31/2005 5:28 AM (GMT 0)
Nanse thank you for caring soooo much about me. I feel closer to you than anybody in my life. I look so forward to reading your posts. You seem to understand exactly what I feel. Thank you for that.

Sadflower, I know exactly what you are saying. The people around me seem to be the people that anoy me the most. They seem not to understand what I am going through. They seem to think that it is all in my head. They think that I could just turn off my feelings and everything would be ok. It is not like that. I want to run away. I want to be alone. I want to sleep forever. My kids are the only things that keep me going. I am scared to go to a doctor.

 

Posted 12/31/2005 10:37 AM (GMT 0)

Hi helpless,

 

How are you today? I hope your day is a good one.

 

Tell me more about being afraid to go to a doctor? We all have fears about going when we begin our journey. Afraid of being declared insane (won't happen), afraid the doctor can know things about you even if you don't talk about those things (can't happen: they have no special powers or ability to know anything about you unless you tell them), afraid of being judged as a bad person (can't happen either because people with problems aren't bad persons, they are troubled persons), afraid of being blamed and shamed for our troubled circumstances or troubled thoughts (won't happen: the goal will be to identify where they come from so we can learn how to deal with them), afraid the therapist will expect things of you that you cannot do (won't happen, but there may be challenges to try and those can be fun and enlightening!).

 

If you have other fears, can you say what they are?

 

I think you are at a place where it is more exhausting and discouraging to stay where you are than to take that step and seek professional help. The way you like to talk here on the board is the way you will talk in therapy; friendly, comfortable, easy.

 

Thinking of you and hope you are having a peaceful day today!

 

My IM info is here, too, if you wish to IM.

Nanse

Posted 12/31/2005 3:05 PM (GMT 0)
Helpless
I was thinking about your posts this weekend,and I remembered something very important.
I remember when I was married and going through the first bouts of depression I was scared to go to the Dr. The reason? pride. I was scared that someone would find out that I went.
I found a great Dr. that assured me that no one would find out unless I told them. During the first session she said something to me that sticks with me to this day. She said " In order to get better you need to change your enviroment". Gawd was that so true. My homelife had to change or I was never going to get better. Then I had to look at my job,and that went about years later.
You will be ok,but it will take some work.
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