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have struggled with Depression most of my life

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Posted 12/15/2005 9:33 PM (GMT 0)
My name is Dave and I am new here, in fact new to message boards completely.  I hate airing my problems with others but felt this might be the right environment to do so because of the anonymity.  I guess I am just looking for someone out there that may be able to give me an opinion or information that can help me.  I am a 38 year old male and have struggled with Depression most of my life, more so over the last decade.  I have been diagnosed with Bi-polar disease, clinical depression and Tourettes Syndrome (No I don't bark and yell obscentiies but I do suffer for the muscular tics that come with it)  I have been on Lithium, paxil and effexor and nothing seems to work long term.  I have gone for "Talk" Therapy and seen countless specialists with no resolution.  My mood swings are rapid and can be sort term and long term...some days I get out of bed ready to change the world around me and the next day I don't have the strength to push back the covers.  When I contemplate suicide I experience a short term of peace but it is interrupted by anger and guilt for the thought of taking the easy way out and leaving my children and wife scarred from my cowardly act of selfishness. I have tried to come to terms with living and unhappy life and just sucking it up and getting on with things for the sake of my family..and I usually am able to do this for a period of time before I crash....  On the outside I look like a moderately successful man having owned my own businesses and worked for Fortune 500 company's but inside I am an absolute wreck...I worry from sun up till sun down...I hate myself for making bad decisions and my self esteem is non existent...  It takes every bit of energy I have to keep myself pulled together so I look 'somewhat" normal.  The truth is that I hate life most of the time...well I guess I don't hate life as much as myself but either way I am tired and lacking the energy to figure out the key to getting myself healthy again.  I also really wonder if I am truly depressed or if there is something else wrong with me that doctors have been unable to diagnose or are just to used to everything like this being depression so they don't see it.   If anyone has any thoughts or opinions or research they could point me to I would appreciate it...

Post Edited By Moderator (Admin) : 12/15/2005 3:25:16 PM (GMT-7)

Posted 12/15/2005 10:44 PM (GMT 0)
Hi dwh i dont have bi-polar or depression but i just couldnt help reading your story as i saw you was a new comer, i suffer from hyperventilation from of my 16th and i have to say this is also something that can take over my life and make me depressed and a feeling of unworth not only that but panic attacks follow and anxiety..since 2 weeks now i have stopped taking zoloft (anti-dep) thinking everything will go ok once i stop but im going through withdrawal now and hate the feelings i have mostly depressing thoughts like my life is going no where. I want to fight these feelings and not let it get the beter of me,i decided now like many people who post here to try supplements,since 2 weeks ago i was searching the web and i came across omega 3 and read some amazing things about the vitamen.....yeh maybe you think to yourself pfffff whats that going to do??? but i believe in it i`ve only been taking it 2 weeks its not long it takes upto 3 months to fully take effect in the body,maybe you can do soe of your own research check it out if anything its healthy im not saying its a cure cause im not a doctor but i have read so many positive things about it also i saw a document on bbc panorama apparently we miss this daily intake of fish oils in our diet and because of this it can lead to depression and many more conditions.

http://www.mcmanweb.com/article-15.htm

Im not sure if this helps but i found your story touched me deeply and i hope you keep fighting for the sake of your family and ofcourse yourself and your beautifull future ahead and know that you can always seek advice and comfort on this site as i have found.

Take care
Be strong
May i add its a positive coment you gave yourself saying you look like a successful buisness man on the outside!! you should try to feel that in your inner self that YES you are successful and you will fight this..

My thoughts are with you and your family
Posted 12/16/2005 10:11 PM (GMT 0)
Dave, you said, "I hate airing my problems with others" and "but inside I am an absolute wreck...I worry from sun up till sun down...I hate myself for making bad decisions and my self esteem is non existent..." You have taken many steps, but seem to feel you are spinning your wheels.

I feel compelled to ask, "is what you are doing working?" It doesn't seem so to me. So I have a story for you (stories are my thing).

In gradeschool, I watched other kids catch on to reading, writing, arithmetic--but I didn't. Pretty soon I became really good at hiding my "behindness." I would count ahead to see what paragraph I would have to read--and spend my time practising before it became my turn. There wasn't much I could do about my lousy handwriting, and later when we had to put our own thoughts on paper, I found I didn't have any. After a lot F's on my report card, I found a book with math "tricks" and devised ways to figure out answers.

All that changed almost over night--when I suddenly became brilliant. I spent my summers studying the what had been presented the year before--but hung on to my old ways--and studied ahead too. After that life proceeded as if I were smart. Right up to the day I had a mini-stroke. That left me unable to count, to count change, to remember dates and other things. I turned to my tried and true method and studied to regain what I lost.

No similarities so far? I know, but just wait.

The one thing I wasn't able to regain was my short termed memory--it flits in and out. Somedays, I'm the smartest person around--and frankly after having been a dummy in grade school--I like it a lot when I'm smart. Other days, I'm hanging by a thread, trying to remember what happen moments before, who someone is, why I'm in someone's office, or why I went to the kitchen (that one just happen, it took three trips to remember I wanted a glass of water). Some days I can give a clear set of instructions, start to finish for detailed operations--other days well, I think I have my ducks in a row, but the pigeons fly in and scatter them.

Now, wanting to be smart and thought of as smart, made every failure a disaster. I feared being found out. I feared my failures. I feared getting dumb or being thought of as dumb. Ten years later, the fear was too much and I gave up. I told the truth--that I had a swiss cheese brain.

To my surprise there were no questions. To my greater surprise over the next 10 years, I repeated my swiss cheese explanation many more times. I also admitted after a life time of hiding it, that I didn't know left from right, got turned around in big buildings, and more.

The greatest surprise of all has been finding out that the truth opened doors, not closed them. I honestly believe that stroke helped me out, by giving me obvious flaws that couldn't be hidden.

I don't advocate willy-nilly telling your secrets, but you sure sound like discussing some of the facts of you would release you from this place you seem to be trapped now.

So my story isn't to say--hey this is you. The goal is to say life doesn't crumple from begin honest about our shortcomings. Try short termed counseling--tell the counselor your secrets--your real secrets, the ones about missing the mark or inability to do something or how you see yourself as different than others. Hear yourself say those thoughts to another human being. (My way is to say I have a swiss cheese brain; it suits what is wrong with me. You will need something different.) Then if and when it seems appropriate, find ways to say you have shortcomings to others.

bev
Posted 12/17/2005 2:49 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Dave,

Welcome to the forum! I am also fairly new to this; I originallyposted out of desperation because of my depression and anxiety. I've found the majority of people who have never suffered from depression and anxiety have a very difficult time understand what you are going through. So you keep it all inside, and it builds up over the years, until you reach a point there's no more room inside you to keep pushing the stuff inside you.

I've had depression and anxiety for many years, been on meds for 10 years. I reached my breaking point a couple weeks ago, and I searched here to answers. Nobody gave me a quick cure for all my problems, but I realized I wasn't the only one with all the feelings of overwhelming depression, suicidal thoughts, etc. The very positive thing I received from posting here, is it made me think about my depression; why I have it, etc. And that I really needed to assess my situation, instead of feeling helpless, and just accepting this was the way I would feel the rest of my life.

I came clean, broke down with my mom, (and I'm in m early 50's lol), and said I was very sick and needed help. Before my family had looked at my problem as if it wasn't real, or I just needed to get out of the house and everything would be okay. Amazingly, my mom and daughters immediately called, gathered information, and I started in a day program at the hospital. (I talk about it in my earlier post). A normal program is about a week, they decide how long you need to come and then they make sure you are set up with a therapist, etc.

But what has helped me most is the small group of individuals I am in the program with, all have similar problems, and we are able to share. I have realized there is hope, and suicide is not the answer.

I think what is helping me is the all-day therapy, which covers every aspect of your life, and you are concentrating and facing your problems, as well as sharing and helping others in the group. One week out of my life to focus on me has been the best decision I have made. I'm still depressed and anxious, but I now have hope, which I never did before, that I will get better.

Maybe you need to take a break for yourself, go to your hospital for a psych assessment, and if they have a day outpatient program like this, it's a very good idea. It's like going to work, except you are working on yourself, instead of hiding from what is causing your depression.

I know if I had just started seeing a therapist once a week before doing this, I wouldn't be successful. I needed this jump-start to get me on the path the wellness.

If you have read my earlier posts a week or so ago, I have gone from complete helplessness to having hope that I will get better.

Suz
Posted 12/17/2005 2:56 PM (GMT 0)
I forgot to mention that my daughter also has Tourette's, and like you just has a head tic, so I know what she's dealing with going through school with this. Most of the time she's fine, but when she's under stress, it really kicks in.

I wish you lots of luck, and hope you search and find something that will really help you. I was unable to do the searching on my own, I was too depressed, but turn to someone who loves you and cares about you, and they will jump at the opportunity to help you.
Posted 12/18/2005 6:59 PM (GMT 0)

Hi Dave,

Welcome and I'm glad you're here! :-)

Your life sounds very difficult. I understand the unpredictability of these things and how they wreak havoc on our trying to establish a nice, normal, orninary, contented life for ourselves. It is difficult and exhausting to deal with.

My reply will be brief because I have just two major thoughts and because you've received a lot of input and support already. I do support you and I hope you'll post here often. This is a great place, a welcome place, a safe place to talk about things that you might not want to talk about anywhere else, and a caring place. I'm glad you found it!

My first thought is that you seem to have a lot of symptoms of anxiety. Anxiety is like bipolar in that it can flare quickly and for apparently no reason (there is a reason, we just don't always know what it is without help in identifying it). Worrying from sunup to sundown... exhausting.

Also you said you went for therapy. I'm going to guess you did that once and didn't like it or it 'didn't work' so you don't currently go. I may be wrong, but this is what I get when I read that one reference to it. Therapy works. Talking works. It works when the therapy approach is suited to your needs and the therapist is someone you feel comfortable with. Short term therapy, the new and popular (especially with insurance companies because it is less costly) type of therapy is not for everyone. And I think it is especially not for people with long-standing problems/issues. Would you consider trying another therapist? One who is a psychodynamic therapist and will work long-term with you. One who specializes in 'depth work' to identify the issues that affect you today and see where they come from and what you can do about them; to re-think things. I think you'll find the peace and calm and relief you are looking for. Talking works. Lots of talking works even better!

I hope you continue to get great feedback and you'll let us know how you are doing!

Nanse  :-)   

Posted 12/19/2005 1:15 PM (GMT 0)
Dave,
welcome, man. You and I are in similar armchairs, except for that I am only depressed. Only.
I have a family, and it kills me inside to feel like I have to hide every weakness. Coming around and exposing myself now will likely destroy my family. It's really hard for people like myself to say Okay, I am impulsive, irrational and I have no attention span, nor do I have the ability to love the way a mother does, possibly the ability to love at all" and expect everyone to say, "cool. Why didn't you say so before?" Most likely my wife could not forgive me for deceiving her for 15 years, so what's the alternative?
I gave up making bad decisions, Dave. I gave up making any. Not worth the pain anymore. But keep talking. Hang in there.
Posted 12/19/2005 9:52 PM (GMT 0)
Well, Glenniem, it's time that you quit fooling yourself. Your family knows there is something wrong--probably not the extent of it--but at least something!

You do not have to say hard truths, like I don't really have the ability to love--so baby, I've been conning you for 15 years. Even my daughter at 10 was able to figure out that her dad didn't know how to love--not even truly care.

But you can say, honey, I've made some impulsive and even irrational decisions in my life and you know what, I fear making decisions now. I'm sure it's effected you as well as me and the kids. I want to change that, so I'm going to start making some small decision every day to make life better for one of you and to get over my fear. Today's decision is that I'm going to make a salad for supper.

And see what she says. I'll bet she's thinking, Oh god, he'll make a mess of the kitchen, but this is pretty cool. I'll bet she also smiles.

You don't have to tell the kids what you are doing or why--and if you can't think of something to do for them, ask your wife--she probably knows everything they have that's broken. Then you decide what one to do. Go round-robin deciding each day to spend a few minutes on something for one of them.

My husband is a wonderful loving man. I don't know that he feels romantic love, but he sure as hell nurtures--and that's far better. You can do that and it will make you much happier.

bev
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