Posted 4/26/2017 4:58 PM (GMT 0)
Hello all,
I've been reading posts from this forum for some time now, as a lot of things you have all posted about and talked about have helped me understand what is happening to the woman I love.
I'm 24 and my now ex-girlfriend is 27. We were together for a year and 8 months until 2 weeks ago, when everything came crashing down and round me. We were such a happy couple. Until now! Last October, when my girlfriend was diagnosed with depression. Since then she has been medicated with anti-depressants and had a course of Cognitive behavioural Therapy and just started Compassion Focussed Therapy. She was initially diagnosed around 8 years ago after as variety of horrific assaults happened to her in a short space of time long before we met, but she never dealt with it. She buried it and threw herself into her work.
Anyway, we met and forged the incredible relationship we had until recently. We agreed on almost everything and made two promises to each other, one being we would never cheat or stray as we had both been so hurt by previous partners doing that. The second was we would always talk things through, whatever the issue as we had seen so many relationships end and break because they let things fester and escalate. We went on holiday together, she came with me for an incredible moment where I won a world championship in my sport, we moved cities together, it felt like us against the world and we could beat it. Until a few months ago, things started to deteriorate because we stopped talking.
From what I know about depression, it is common for the sufferer to shut themselves away, to not talk about it because they don't want to trouble their partner with it. This began to happen in early February. I struggled with this and I too started to shut down and show little emotion because I was fearful for how she would react. Intimacy declined into almost nothing, kisses and cuddles felt cold, sex was non existent, but we still loved each other. I began to feel insecure as a result and question whether her seeing a lot of her best friend was something more. Whenever either of us suggested going and doing something together like exploring a new town, going to a ballet, seeing a movie, the other was uninterested and unreceptive. One day, we made plans to watch a movie together, with a meal and a bottle of wine, but I came home from work to a note on the table.
She wrote how her anxiety had built so much that she couldn't wait any longer for me to come home, that she needed to take herself away for a week to try to work her head out. She told me to concentrate on me for that week, that she would be back and she loved me.
She returned and we talked. For the first time in months we talked about our issues and it was brilliant. She communicated one of the triggers of her anxiety, that raised voices and conflict made her revert to childhood instincts of freezing and panicking, even an excited shout at the football could set it off. But at least I knew. I could modify my behaviour. I knew I hadn't been making enough effort so I assured her I would try. We cuddled, we cried, she mentioned that sometimes she looks at me and still gets butterflies, other times doesn't feel the same. But we tried. It was great for a few days, we did more together. We bathed together, went out for dinner, cuddled together, until she started totally shutting herself down again. She would come home from work, sit at the desk and finish her notes, eat have a bath kiss me goodnight and go to bed.
I decided to ask a question I wish I hadn't the morning of the day a week after she had returned from her disappearance. After another cold cuddle less night I turned over that morning and asked "are we okay?". She responded she didn't think we were, that she felt guilty for not being able to give back in this relationship like I give to her, that she couldn't support me, that I deserved better, that she wanted to free me from the burden that she is. I of course told her I wanted none of these things, that I loved her, wanted to work through this with her, that she wasn't a burden. She was sure that we should break up. I went to work that morning feeling like my world had crashed down around me. She was going to stay at her friends parents again for two weeks this time and wanted space, she wanted to be alone.
I respected this and gave her space, but I couldn't shake the feeling that we hadn't had a proper opportunity to talk about this. So I sent a message asking if we could meet to talk things through a little. I suggested somewhere not too public, that we had a good memory in. She agreed and we met there Monday just passed (a week and 5 days after she had left) I had done a lot of inward thinking and realised a few things that I could have done a lot better. I apologised for not trying any more, it must have come across as if i didn't care any more, as if i was cold and uninterested. How of course she wouldn't want to be intimate with someone who seemed to be indifferent. I apologised for becoming insecure and not realising my actions were affecting this. I apologised for not talking things through any more. I apologised for taking her for granted.
She also apologised for the same things on her part, for taking me for granted, for not trying etc. That we got things so jumbled in our heads that it escalated. We were talking about various memories, plans for the future. She said that a photo i had posted (she liked it at the time) made her happy, because she saw that i looked happy. It seemed to be going well, like we knew what we needed to work on and that we would try to work through this together, until she suddenly said "I don't feel the same any more, I don't see a future for us and I don't want to try". I was in shock. But we continued talking, i asked her if she still loved me in any way. She said she did. I told her that if two people love each other, i think that is worth fighting for. That i wanted to fight for her and for us, that we could come out of this stronger and together. No response. She mentioned that she couldn't handle the pressure of having to seem OK, for me. I told her she didn't have to, she could be herself in her depression. I could look after myself, i understood and that i wanted to be there for her however and whenever she needed me. Virtually no response. She said to me she was thinking of me a lot while she was away and wondering what i had been doing and thinking during her week away. I began to tell her how hurt i had been during this time, how heart broken i was, that i didn't want to be without her and how sad i was that she couldn't see what i see in the future for us. She then cuddled me, so tight, held my hand, stroked my hair, kissed my forehead, my neck and cheek and cried with me. We were as affectionate as we were before all of this. She told me she loved me. She apologised for not seeing what i see. We then sat for a while, just holding each other, kissing each others heads and cheeks, remembering old memories, smiling beneath the tears, joking and laughing when we could. She said she would stay away for another week, that she didn't know how to process what i had told her about the past week. She needed to leave, to get some sleep before working the next day, I said i was worried about her and asked her to let me know she was home safe. She did and responded with "Im back safe, are you?". I said i was, that i was sorry and hoped she would get some sleep. She responded with "Sleep tight".
All this has left me so confused about the whole situation. She said to me she doesnt feel the same, yet told me she loved me and was more affectionate to me than she had been in months. I am of course giving her total space, as she asked for it. I have moved out of our flat together so that she can return next week and have it as her space. I want nothing more than for us to work through this together. We had often talked about marrying and spending our lives together. That we were soul mates. She often told me how lucky she felt, and to never forget how much she loves me. Im trying to hold onto this.
I feel like the messages i am getting are so mixed. I want to believe there is a chance for us, but i just dont know. Am i naive to think that with this space she may miss me, her depression may improve and her feelings for me may return? Although she did show me that she still has feelings with the way she held me and her cries. I will never forget how pained, desperste and purely sad her cries were. Is there hope for us? What can i do? Or am i wishing on a star for something impossible?
I don't want to lose the love of my life, but i fear i already have. I feel helpless and alone in this. I would love to some day hold her again and sing to her like she always asked me to, but I was too worried about what she may think. I so wish i had done that now.
Apologies for such a long first post. I just felt for anyone to understand and help, they needed the whole story. Any insight or advice would be so greatly received. Thank you.. Law.