Opinions and advice appreciated

Hi,

I apologise that this is really long.

I just signed up to this forum because I wanted some advice. I guess I don't know much about depression and everything you read about it makes it sound so dramatic. I have been struggling with a lot of feelings recently and don't know if it's bad enough to be called depression. So I wanted to post about it on here and hopefully hear from some people who have been through depression or have had similar experiences to me, and hear your opinions. I have never been on this forum before so I don't know what kind of things people normally post, so my apologies if none of you want to hear some big long personal story from some girl on the other side of the world.

So sorry. But anyway.

I started struggling with some health issues in November last year, that made it difficult for me to get to work many days or go out, and made me feel pretty anxious throughout the summer. The anxiety I was feeling then was for a perfectly good reason though. I started getting the health issues under better control since about March, and now it only really affects me on the odd occasion, and when it does it's not nearly as bad as it was. However, I've still been feeling pretty down about it and about life in general over the past few months even though I feel like the health issues generally shouldn't be holding me back anymore due to the improvement.

I would say I feel down or anxious most days now, though not every day. Some days it's just a general persistent feeling of being slightly unhappy, and other days it's a feeling of being so overwhelmed that I just get in bed and cry for several hours. Other days it's a general feeling of being bored with life. But I still have some okay days too, where I feel like my normal self. I still go to work, though I used to enjoy my job and now I kinda don't care. Sometimes I cry at work too but I just stare at my computer and hope no one notices. On my days off I do very little. I try to see friends from time to time so as not to isolate myself, and usually I feel a little bit better for a little while, but the same thoughts are still at the back of my mind.

I used to do volunteer work but I stopped going back in December when I was feeling really unwell, and then I moved to the next city, and haven't been back since. I don't really have any interesting hobbies. I feel like I am a pretty boring person, who has little to contribute. I don't like when people ask me what I do for fun because I don't know how to answer.

If I think about the future it frightens me. I think about having kids, buying a house etc and it all seems like so much stress, that I can't imagine any of that would make me happy. I just have this vision of being in the same place, working in the same office, still feeling bored with life for the next 40 years and that just seems too hard. I haven't had thoughts of suicide as such, but sometimes I find myself thinking that if I died in a car accident or something then that wouldn't be so tragic. I guess I feel trapped in my life at the moment and that would mean I would get out.

I live with my partner, but I've felt pretty distant from him recently. I have told him that I have been feeling unhappy, but I guess haven't told him the full details. I am usually the kind of person who organises things and deals with problems head on so I think he kind of assumes that whatever happens, I'll be fine, which makes me feel like I can't talk to him about it. If I'm feeling upset then I avoid crying in front of him and often pretend to be asleep when he comes to bed so I don't have to talk to him.

I talk to my best friend daily, though she lives in another city and I don't see her often. Again I probably have only really hinted at what I've been feeling to her. She has so many stressful things in her life that I don't want to weigh her down with my problems, though she is the most likely person who I feel would listen and understand, but as I say, I don't want to burden her with my bullcrap. I don't have many really close friends who live in the same city as me. I also work shifts so my days off usually don't coincide with other people's days off. I didn't used to mind, and used to enjoy my own company, but now I just get lonely and feel like a useless person because I am not very good at making friends and have nothing interesting to do or talk about.

I see all these people I work with who have all these amazing hobbies and spend their days doing things like biking through the mountains, or surfing, or creating amazing things and I feel like an inadequate person because I don't do any of these things. I know the obvious answer is to just get out there and try some of these things but I don't feel able to ask people if they could take me along with them or anything, and I probably wouldn't be any good at it anyway.

I have thought about quitting my job, breaking up with my partner, and moving to a different city and just starting again. But then I remember that I struggle with making friends, so that's probably a terrible idea.

Anyway. Sorry for the big long sob story, I probably went into far more detail than anyone cares about. I guess what I am confused about is that when you read about people's stories about depression, they all say depression is when you can't even will yourself to get out of bed in the morning, or shower, or even eat sometimes, let alone go to work or visit friends. But I still do those things. They all say that depression is relentless and that you can't be depressed if you still feel okay sometimes. All the self help websites say that depression is a problem if it adversely affects your life, but I still do all the things that I'm expected to do. I still talk to people and laugh, and no one has noticed that I'm not feeling okay. I guess while I'm doing all these things, I feel like I'm only just keeping my head above water.

So yeah. Again, sorry for the big long sob story. But again, I am confused because I feel pretty crappy a lot of the time, but I don't seem to fit the traditional definition of depression. I have thought about going to see my doctor (who I really like, and he was really nice to me and helped my out through my recent health issues while other doctors dismissed me), but I don't want to waste his time if I am not depressed and just need to get my crap together. I am also a bit scared because if he did put me on anti depressants, what if they dont work, or make things worse? What would they do to me if I'm not actually clinically depressed? Anyway. I would be interested in hearing your opinions, or any stories from people who might have felt similar.

Thank you to those who took the time to read this.

somegirl123

Would you say your sad feelings started with your health issues? Having a serious medical problem can make one feel depressed and uncertain, particularly if it is your first or most serious encounter with what might be a life altering disease or condition. The fact that you have crying fits that go on for hours is reason enough to believe that you are depressed about something. Most likely moving again won't resolve whatever is truly bothering you, as it sounds like you just went thru that once already. In fact being in a strange place with only your job and you partner as your anchor can be a stressor. Leaving them would probably just stress you more.

You say you still feel okay on some days. As long as you have normal days you're probably not clinically depressed. And your story is not all that long. It always takes time to present your story adequately. If these feelings are just because your life has not turned out to be what you might have dreamed or expected it to be, then that is quite normal for most people. Talking with your girlfriend may help, but only you can judge whether this would be an unnecessary burden upon her, or if she will be happy to lend you her ear and perhaps cheer you up.

If you feel that your moods do interfere with you daily life, then your doctor may be able to refer you to someone who could possibly give you some help, or perhaps prescribe a mild medication that could lift you out of your feeling of "doom and gloom". Sometimes it can help, though it could also possibly lead to a bottomless pit of more and more drugs. I know mine helped me for a while, then started to back off, then were increased, and now leveling off again, and just today had only my second crying fit since starting the anti-D (the first fit was last month was when I was in the hospital, so maybe was to be expected).

There is also a point in many people's lives when they realize that the whole dream of marriage, job, kids and home ownership isn't all they thought it would be. It's called a 'mid life crisis'. I don't know your age, but there is a 'younger' version of this when people feel absolutely alone (went thru that also myself long ago). Absolute loneliness is a terrible feeling, even for people who prefer to be by themselves, listening to music, reading, painting, walking in the woods... you know, all the 'by myself' activities.

You may just be going thru a rough patch in your life, especially as you have just pulled out of a health problem. It can make anyone question who they are and where they are going in life. Remember that you are a unique individual and there is no one else just like you on the planet, though many others may be experiencing the same feelings that you are.

Good luck dealing with this.

Welcome to the forum Somegirl.

The first thing I want to point out is that it was courageous of you to post here and reach out for help. Great first step! We have a Resource thread at the top of the forum, I suggest you check out all the pages, about 6, lots of good, useful information there.

Second thing, Dropping everything in your life and moving is NOT GOING to make things any better. You may be distracted for a while, but then everything will be compounded with regrets and more loneliness. I am 56 and I did not face my depression til 6 years ago. So I have some experience is that.

Definitely call and talk to your Doc. So important. Doctors for the most part and much more understanding and supportive these days regarding depression and other diagnosis's.

Talking about it is one of the ways to deal with it. NOT talking about it, only enables the feeling that you are not good enough, that you are some how worthless and broken. You are not broken and you are not alone!

You have medical condition [more than likely] that needs medical help, you need to learn skills in how to live with depression on a daily basis and over come the debilitating feelings.

We call this a work in progress. That is everyone, especially on this forum.

So keep posting, call your doc, let us know how it goes and we will listen and support you as best we can.

Peace
Trina

getting by said...
Just a thought... You named all of my "by myself" activities. Ha!!! I have done or do all of the above.

Thanks, Karen... I will respond on the mood stabilizer in my 'whistling' thread, but will relate some experience here that may be pertinent to this thread.

This week my wife and I will celebrate our 36th wedding anniversary. Neither of us had ever been married before - not even had a 'successful' relationship. But each of was terribly alone and each had prayed that we would meet someone, anyone. I am not a religious person, but have been blessed with a sense of faith in life and its outcome. We seem to have been brought together by angels, though some may call it a bizarre coincidence, others might say it was the hand of god.

We bought a house where we lived for 33 years, raised two wonderful sons who never gave us any trouble, enjoyed comfortable careers, retired and moved to a seniors community in Florida and were both diagnosed with cancer within the same year. We now realize that one of us will eventually have to live without the other. We don't know who, only that it is certain. It is strange to reach this point in our lives... it effects all the decisions we make, knowing that we are much closer to the end than we ever would have imagined.

Anytime people live together, there is tension. Sometimes it becomes explosive. Neither of us has ever struck the other, probably because I don't drink and she only a little wine (possibly the result of having had alcoholic parents). But there have been LOTS of hurt feelings. When things get rough, I always ask myself, is this worse than being alone? The answer is and always has been NO.

I always remember what it was like to be alone. It hit me the worst after I'd had a couple of surgeries that really left me questioning where my life was going. (That is why I felt obligated to reply to 'somegirl123'.) I cried a lot and did something I rarely ever do... I prayed. Apparently around the same time a troubled woman who had just come out of an abusive relationship had also prayed. We soon bumped into each other quite by accident in a restaurant.

This was to me just short of a miracle. Maybe it actually was. The tale of our meeting always makes good storytelling. We are not a perfect match. I am a homebody and tend to be romantic and melancholy. She is athletic, outgoing and gregarious. When tensions arise it is often the result of such conflicts. But we both appreciate the value of having each other in our lives and remember what it was like to be terribly alone.

So I guess I just want to say that "it can happen". Don't spend your life just waiting for someone to drop into your life. I suppose it doesn't work that way. But sometimes when we are in the deepest despair is when a miracle occurs.

Somegirl,

You have a lot of posts on your thread. I hope you are okay and that you respond.

Hugs, Karen...

Okay RobLee, I gotcha... Thanks for the post anyway.

I hope you have a good day.

Hugs, Karen...

Hi everyone.

Thank you for your replies and support.

I now agree that I should go see my doctor... though I am kind of scared about it. I haven't made an appointment yet...

I would say that things have gotten worse over the past two to three days. I have been struggling to sleep (though I've been on night shifts, so somewhat expected...) but only managed to get 5 hours sleep over 3 days... Not good. I also had a panic attack the other day (I think that's what you would call it), which has never happened to me before. I guess I was stressed because I wasn't sleeping and I wasn't sleeping because I was stressed... I could hear my heart banging in my ears for hours and hours which was keeping me awake, and then all of a sudden I was just completely overwhelmed, basically imagining that every possible thing that could go wrong would go wrong, and thought that I wouldn't sleep and the whole thing wouldn't end until Monday when I could get the doctor to give me something to knock me out... Obviously it did end though. Then I had to go to work straight after - not sure how I managed that to be honest but I did. I think on night shifts people forgive you for being a bit out of it. My heart was still pounding for hours afterwards though.

RobLee, you asked: "Would you say your sad feelings started with your health issues?"

I would say that was the first thing that went wrong... I had to go through loads of tests etc, some invasive, but as soon as the specialist decided that I didn't have cancer, he didn't come back to talk to me and just said I was fine... Never mind that I had all the same symptoms. I was told that it is something that I will have for the rest of my life but it is just an inconvenience and won't kill me or anything so I'm fine. My GP was much more helpful, though there isn't much he can do after the specialist decided he wouldn't help me, other than fill prescriptions for medications to help manage the symptoms and be supportive (which he has done). Slowly over time I have worked out how to manage it (as best as possible), though my mood has slowly gotten lower and lower so I guess at this point the low mood is out of proportion with the initial problem...

"If these feelings are just because your life has not turned out to be what you might have dreamed or expected it to be, then that is quite normal for most people."

Sometimes I think about what me from 10 years ago would think about present day me (I'm 26). I think I would have been impressed and excited to hear about the job I now do, (though probably worried that I wouldn't be able to do it). And I think I would be proud to hear of all the things I've achieved in the last 10 years. But I am not sure if I would like me as a person. Not because I've done anything bad or I'm a nasty person or anything, I just feel like I don't have a lot going on.

Tim Tam, you asked: "sometimes it’s inherited. Did your parents or grandparents have depression, or an aunt or uncle?"

To that I have to answer, not that I know of. But if any of them did, it almost certainly would have gone undiagnosed. My family are not people who go to doctors much, and I was the same until 6 months ago. As an example, my grandfather (who was a farmer who lived in the middle of nowhere) had chest pains for three days before he thought about ringing a doctor. But before he did ring, he decided to go get some jobs done on the farm that he needed to do by the next day, because he knew the doctor would tell him he needed to stop. He then drove himself to the hospital (over an hour away - he didn't want them to send a helicopter so he drove himself) to be told that he'd been having a major heart attack/multiple heart attacks for three days and needed emergency surgery. My whole family is like this. So yeah, if any of them did have depression, they wouldn't have done anything about it.

F27, as for anhedonia: yeah that does sound a bit like me... I often have ideas of things I would like to do or try, but I simply never get round to it (for no good reason, I probably spent the whole day mindlessly browsing the internet or facebook). Or if I do get round to it, I pretty quickly lose interest... even for things that I used to enjoy doing... But I feel like this has been a problem for longer than just the last six months or so...

Anyway, thank you all for your words of encouragement and support. You seem to have a really supporting amd caring community on here.

Oh and congratulations RobLee on your wedding anniversary

somegirl123

Thanks for your reply, Tim Tam.

I will look into melatonin.

I think you misunderstood me a little though. None of my family have been diagnosed with depression, that I know of. But having depression and being diagnosed with depression are not the same thing. I couldn't definitively say that none of my family had depression.

But yes, I think events have contributed in my case. It has been a stressful year for me, starting with the health issues, and then being ignored by the specialist after he decided I didn't have cancer (had all the symptoms, but he wasn't concerned with helping me with that). Then loads of other things have gone wrong too.

I haven't had any more panic attacks since Saturday, just generally worried and unhappy about everything...

I still haven't made an appointment with my GP yet... I'm just kinda scared about it. I am just scared because I know that he'll ask me if I've had thoughts anout death or suicide, and I'd be lying if I said no... Not that I want to kill myself or anything, just had vague thoughts. All I do is overthink stuff so it does come up in my mind on occasion, but they're not serious thoughts... I just know he'll ask that question though and I don't want to lie to him, but I don't want to make him think I'm feeling suicidal either because I'm not. So yeah. Scared.

Heheh ... I've had to answer the "Do you ever think about harming yourself of others?" question many times. I was scared the first time too, wondering if I was going to be committed or something. Soon though, I came to realize that for my GP the question ranked up there in importance with "Have you been picking at it?" and "What colour is it?". It's an answer that helps lead to a diagnosis, nothing more.

GPs spend all day listening to depressed people - nothing you say will shock 'em.

So, okay, you haven't specified what the medical concern is/was and I will respect that.

I would suggest you get your hormone levels checked. ALL of them. Thyroid, ovarian, cortisol, the works.

Shift work wreaks havoc on the body which relies on a syncopated rhythm and once that is thrown off...

Just sayin.

somegirl123 said...
Thanks for your replies... I just feel like maybe I am just making it all up and I just need to make the decision to stop acting this way and I'll be fine... If I have a day when I'm not quite so bad, where I feel like I'm coping a little better, then that idea gets worse. So I flip between thinking "I really need to get help" and "I really need to stop being a little b*tch."
...
I have also realised that I have "passive suicidal ideation", i.e. I think about dying a lot, not usually about actively killing myself, but about getting cancer or crashing my car etc... I have a long drive to work and just about every time, I have images of crashing my car ito the barrier or driving it into the river, which scares me, and I'm also a little scared I'll actually do it. I don't plan to at all. But what if, what if...

Hi Somegirl, it’s me again. I’m glad you keep coming back, because each time you do, you reveal a little more about yourself. Please forgive me if this seems harsh or insensitive, but I still think maybe you’re just lonely and discouraged and perhaps disappointed in the futility and pointlessness of life. I’m glad you are not seriously considering killing yourself… there is no better way to end up with a big red mark on your permanent record. I think around three times as many women attempt suicide as men, but men are more likely to be successful at it. So for women it is often a cry for help. Think of the scene at the stern of the Titanic where Jack and Rose first meet.

Often it is just a tragic melodrama we replay in our heads, about how people will miss us when we’re gone. As far as your ideations of death, I’ll tell you about a little that I know.

Cancer is not as romantic as Hollywood has made it out to be. It is a very lonely place to be. Even among others who have or had cancer, no two people have the same experience. Sometimes it starts out innocently, where your doctor spots something suspicious and orders tests and the victim is thrown headlong into battle seemingly out of nowhere. More often it begins with you knowing there is something wrong, but nothing shows up on any of the tests. Then there is the ensuing struggle to find the cause and anyone willing to help. As I recall, you had an experience not unlike that recently.

When cancer becomes part of your life it is unlike anything else you have ever encountered in your life. You are often faced with serious choices that have an uncertain outcome, and you must make a decision. And the stakes are, literally, your life. This is not like choosing a career or deciding where to live.

Then there is deciding when and how to tell the people around you, and how much to tell them. And the ones who love you may be so stressed out by it that they are no help to you. And there are those who think they are cheering you up by saying they know someone who had that and ‘they’re doing fine’. As I said, each case is different, and even those who have been thru it themselves have no idea just what YOU are going thru.

And an automobile accident is not much better. Few people actually die in an auto accident. More often they will be maimed or permanently disabled. When flesh and steel meet it is always flesh that loses. And they don’t fix you up ‘good as new’. There is a lot of pain, and then you may end up with one or more prostheses or medical appliance that requires a lot of maintenance and severely restrict what you are able to do EVERY DAY of your life. They don’t call it ‘life altering’ for nothing.

But sometimes there is an upside. Those who pull thru such an experience often end up going into nursing or counseling because they want to help others who are going thru what they have been thru themselves. Even those who are not religious may come out of it with a feeling that ‘it was meant to be’ and it gave their life a new sense of purpose. Not saying you should do that. But when those thoughts enter your head, just put any sort of romantic tragedy out of your mind. Reality rarely matches fantasy.

I should mention that going on an anti-depressant won't make you any happier. It may make you less sad. It's more like it keeps you more on an even keel. Fewer fits of anger and fewer crying episodes. Fewer ups and downs. Everything is still there in your head, but it just doesn't bother you so much. Good luck!

Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you cannot see.

getting by said...
I for one am a lot happier on one than not.

Maybe being 'a lot happier' could just mean being less sad?

RobLee, I know myself. I am not sad...