Rookie here

So, I had written this very long and eloquent introduction, somehow I deleted the entire thing.

But at the end of the day, I have a hx of bulimia, depression, self harm, PTSD, and GAD.

I have been treated with Prozac and worked up to 60 mg, Klonopin PRN; and have not had any ED tendencies or thoughts, my self harm is now kept in check by Crossfit, I deal with the anxiety as best as I can. My depression is still eating at me. I know that I am a chemically depressed person, but this extra load on me is situational and I do feel will pass with time. I'm struggling financially with my student loans, have a job that I LOVE but it does not pay very much, and I know this will all pass.

I wanted to introduce myself and try talking and reading about people like me, or get advice. My biggest question right now is should I try to go up to the 80 mg of Prozac until I get the rest of my life under control...or if its part of "growing up" that I'm just going to have to get over? If that makes since.

I cry all the time, I am scared of what my future holds, I am naturally an introvert but its gotten worse, my anxiety is at an all time HIGH, even on the 60, I can't TAKE enough Klonopin to help. Working out is just about my only way that I "connect with people", when I am at my gym with those people I do feel "myself", I am much more outgoing, and I love working out. But obviously that is only an hour out of my day. I am exhausted by the end of the day mentally from work (that's the introvert in me), but all my mind does is worry about all the money that I am fixing to have to pay back, when I STILL want to go back to school......

I hope I have not overstepped and posted something in the wrong area, I just really wanted to get some feedback and introduce myself and hopefully gain some insight.

Thank you all for listening

Trying to Keep my head "above_water"

Thanks so much for your words, Myself 09.

I'm working right now with my loan servicing provider on getting on an income based repayment plan, and I also work for a State Hospital so they are available for the forgiveness program...but I am very fixated on them.

Actually I finished my masters degree in 2013...long story short I worked overseas from the time I was 21 until 32, missed a lot of "those transition years", I was financially very well compensated for those years, but due to the abuse in my relationship I had to get out of the marriage fast; and he controlled all of our assets I left the marriage with nothing. I have had to start from scratch, literally. I moved to Seattle for a great job, starting really having some issues there, then moved back home.

So now, I'm home--in my mid 30's--in the poorest state in the US, with nothing....and cannot even get a nibble on a job working with my MBA. Like I said before, I love my current job and working for a state hospital is good, but the stress of knowing that I'm home, have nothing, and run into people that I've known my entire life, and I'm "just starting over", little do they know crippled with debt of student loans, its just embarrassing and very crushing.

I realize there are so many worse things that could be happening to me right now, and again I hate to sound like a baby, but the amount of anxiety I have is getting to be unmanageable. I go back to my doc in a couple of weeks and will voice all of this to her and see what my options are.

Yea, my gym is amazing. The people that are all there seem to all have their personal "brokenness" and we are a family for sure. We usually always go out to eat Mexican once a week...sometimes I can make myself go, but other times my introverted self gets in the way.

Anyways, thanks again for all your time in reading my first post and for giving me such great insight.

Officially, I am a Physician Scheduler for our department. But the job is very open to several other jobs that fall on me. Which I enjoy, because it gives me a lot of freedom to speak to patients and help them in a different way than in a clinical way. I am trying to get into PA school.....so it gives me a little bit of both of what I like

WOW, Pitmom....I'm already feeling better just by the words of encouragement I've gotten here thus far.

Yea, HS reunions not for me. But, you are right....I don't have any other bills except a cell phone and my gym membership. I think the reason that my gym family and I connect and recognize things within ourselves and each other is because we all see to scratch an itch that going to say a "regular" gym does not scratch, or drinking, drugging, whatever the vice. Every workout we do together, we all struggle the best crossfitters in the gym and the brand new people that just quit smoking and have not worked out in 30 years. We all find ourselves lying on the ground, dying after each workout. They are fast, intense, and literally take your mind off of anything else. We all are drawn to this crazy way of treating our bodies like we are made of metal. But, I like the word broken-ness, because if something is broken, it can be fixed. Just like those Chinese bowls I believe that are broken on purpose and then put back together with actual gold, making them more beautiful and worth more. People are like that too.

I don't feel that way about the people that I used to know...because I am a ghost of the person I used to be. I am nothing like the person I was when they knew me. And our "life" experiences are so different. Most went directly to a 4 year university and sorority and got married. While I went to Paramedic school and deployed to the Mid East for almost 12 years. I don't know how to relate to them. I don't have a connection with them. Yes, if I were to talk to them I would probably find out they were in an affair, had a child by 3 different people, struggling with debt, gambling problems, or dying of cancer.

You really have made me feel so much better, and your words have resonated with me more than you could realize.

Thank you again.

You said that while you are working out you can forget about everything else for awhile. That is mindfulness. Stay mindful it takes away the anxiety. mindful.org is a place to start if you are interested. As they say... Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery. Today is a gift, that is why it is called "the present". Yes, mindful. It makes life so much easier.

Meditation to quiet the mind. I use this to go to sleep at night. It really works. There are so many books on meditation. I hope you find one.

Sounds like you got a lot on your plate. I think too that the up in medication would be the trick. And I agree with everything else that has been posted by others. You will make it, one day at a time.

Hang in there, Keep posting, it helps to get other's opinions.

Welcome to the forum...

Hugs, Karen...

Tim Tam said...
It sounded like that's what might be why you enjoyed your job so much, getting to talk to some patients in a mental health environment.

That's why I like this board, it gives me a chance to talk to some people who are having emotional problems, but not from the standpoint of a doctor. That's why I'm talking to you.

How did you husband abuse you, how bad did it get, and how did you get away? Have I already seen this movie on TV?

I was in an abusive situation from my wife's actions, and I know how rough that can be.

PA. Physician's Assistant. So how are you going to pull that one off?

Hi Tim Tam,

Yes, I love the Mental Health environment. I've always been interested into how other people's brain worked. IDK to explain that one. Could be because externally fixating on something preoccupies my mind to not dwell on myself. Could be because I'm looking for answers for my own problems. IDK...

X-husband was physically and emotionally abusive...its amazing though of all the times I've been injured the only things I remember or continue to mull over are the words that he used. They and the physical scars stick around. My physical scars don't ache, but my brain and my heart do every day. Its so difficult to take away the power that someone had over you once you give it. I know I will be selective moving forward. But, the words he used will always plague me.

Get away? Well, I moved across the country, cut ties, changed numbers, basically went into hibernation mode. Geographically it worked. Emotionally I'm still stuck.

PA school--ahhhhh. One step at a time. Let me get accepted into the school I've applied for, then I will let you know!!

Thanks for your words.

Whoa. What a story. Here’s mine:

Wife was sexually abused as a child. When she got caught cheating for 7 years, wife had no patience putting up with a husband who couldn’t deal with that, and her Plan B was for the husband to leave, leave his ½ of their house, leave their 3 year old child, leave.

When husband didn’t leave, start of 37 years of verbal/emotional abuse, the first 10 of which the cheating continued unknown, added to the first 7 years when it was not known until the last.

How did I described that? Two dogs in a pit. We couldn’t get out of the pit. Because of the child, because of the house. With bipolar, it was difficult for me to hold a job, and along with the child for 15 of those years, I’m stuck in the pit.

She’s stuck in the pit because she doesn’t want to give up her ½ of the house, or the child for the first 15 years of that.

She was very controlling and isolating. Even when I came back from the doctor, it was, “What did he say?” and when I told her, she would argue with what he said. My going to the doctor was a threat to her, for he might help me, if she couldn’t pry us apart, by disagreeing with everything that he said.

She would pick up the phone in her room sometime when I was in my room talking to someone.

Because of a health problem, I found it difficult to drive a car. I was triple trapped.

The only thing I had left was my mind, and with bipolar, and her harping, that could dwindle.

She made sure our son was in her camp, by, one way, giving him money to be loyal to her.

She had it going there for about 37 years. Then, as a smoker, she got sick from that, and died after 3 years, which was 8 years ago.

It was like seeing a train coming at you, and watching it veer off the track at the last second. It was an unbelievable feeling, of how did I get away from that?

So who took over her attacks on me after she died? Only in a movie would you see this, as she handed the mantle of her anger over to our then some 35 year old son. Unbelievable.

For 7 1/2 years he came after me, with my not knowing, as with my not knowing that she was having an affair for 7 years, and then when I found out, she continued it for 10 more years, again, without my knowing it.

Right, what kind of idiot are we dealing with here? Exactly.

Anyway, but to be nice, six months ago, right, I caught on that my now 42 year old son had been coming after me following her death now almost 8 years ago.

I’m shocked! Life is filled with surprises, for idiots!

Well, I quit having anything to do with him, now going on 7 months ago, so I guess I’m as close to contented as I’ll ever be. It is better in some ways, but there are still obstacles, exactly.

I do have some lasting physical scars from that. It would come from a physical condition which my wife and then my son would go after at every chance.

How did you make your break, your emotional, physical, geographical break? Did you have help? Did you have inner strength? What factors pieced it together for you?

I have inner strength from my health problems, which can boost my ego, to continue on.

“But, the words he used will always plague me.” Ohh! Bad dude.

What caused him to be like that?