I was with my boyfriend (now ex I suppose) for nearly two years and we had an amazing relationship. We were that couple, the ones who couldn't get enough of each other and who serenaded each other in class and sent lengthy goodnight texts detailing why we loved the other each and every night. Let me start of by saying that he is not officially diagnosed with depression. However, I strongly believe that is what is going on for a few reasons: a.)
I am a psych major and I instantly recognized nearly textbook signs of depression b.) my own therapist agreed something is definitely off with him and c.) our story is similar to the millions of others I've seen online. A few weeks ago, after having a fight, he broke up with me. It came out of no where, even though it was initiated by the fight. We are in a long distance relationship, but the night before I had been physically with him, laying on his chest and hearing how much he loved me. I didn't take the break up well. I told him I hated him and I said a bunch of other things I regret in an attempt to ease my own pain. He FaceTimed me that night and said that he was "in a really bad place" and "needed time to figure out how to make himself better." We decided to call it a break instead of a breakup and set a time limit of two weeks (when I would be returning home for winter break).
A weak earlier, he reached out and told me he was ready to talk. We spoke and we made a plan: I would try to avoid small arguments that made him feel bad about
himself, we would create some boundaries, etc. Even then, things were off. We were back together when I first started thinking that it might be depression. We would FaceTime each night and he would lash out at me. I would ask him how his day had been and he would scream or show no emotion whatsoever. After I finished my semester at college, I returned home to him and we spent time together to try to work things out. However, everything still felt different. He didn't feel like my boyfriend anymore... he was going through the motions in a way.
The first few days I was home were fine, but I watched him deteriorate after that. After spending the holidays together, he FaceTimed me panicking and crying saying that he was worrying too much about
our relationship and that he didn't feel like he could be in it. I mentioned the possibility that he was suffering from something and needed help, but he refused. He got angry in denying that something was wrong. We decided to give it one more go, but things were EXTREMELY strained from then on. I felt like I couldn't tell him anything bad and was constantly walking on eggshells. He was showing nearly every symptom of depression:
1. Feeling sad or "empty" - After the break ended, he said to me “I don’t know what’s wrong with me, I just feel so empty inside”
2. Feeling hopeless, irritable, anxious, or angry - He says he’s constantly “worrying” about
us, he gets angry and lashes out constantly even before the break, he’s even gotten into fights with teachers
3. Loss of interest in work, family, or once-pleasurable activities, including sex - He didn’t want to touch me and completely lost interest in sex with me, he always used to tell me I was the one thing that made him consistently happy and he lost interest in that, even his attitude towards music/shows has become pessimistic
4. Feeling very tired - I used to spend nights at his house until midnight because he wanted me there, but recently he has been kicking me out because he was exhausted and felt like he couldn’t even be there
5. Not being able to concentrate or remember details - He hasn’t been himself, he doesn’t listen, things go in one ear and out the other
6. Not being able to sleep, or sleeping too much - He told me the number one problem was he was up every single night worrying about
us and who he was, whether or not he was good enough for me
7. Aches or pains, headaches, cramps, or digestive problems - He complained of a terrible stomachache for no reason, he had to go to bed because he couldn’t handle it
8. Inability to meet the responsibilities of work, caring for family, or other important activities - When he broke it off, he said he couldn’t take the “responsibility” of having to care for me on top of everything else.
It was getting to me. A few days later, I initiated the breakup conversation but he was the one who broke up with me. Essentially, he said he was constantly feeling guilty and worrying about
if he was being good enough for me. He didn't like the person he was and that constant thought was getting to him. The constant worrying about
me was putting him in a dark place. He swore it wasn't me or another girl or the distance, but rather he just couldn't be in a relationship at all right now. Yet he still denied the possibility of depression. I have broken ever since.
It would be one thing if he liked someone else or just didn't love me because I could hate him and move on. But I care about
him and I am certain that this is not the man I fell in love with. Something is wrong and I am not the only one who has noticed it. Two of our mutual friends have as well and he even went to one of them asking her how to control his anger and to be happy again. All of my friends, my mom, etc. are on the same page with what this is.
We're young: I'm 18 and he's almost 17, but our relationship was very very serious. I'm taking steps to distantly make sure he has supports, as he wanted to be my friend but I explained that that wasn't possible for me at the moment. I've made sure our mutual friends are there for him and we are alert
ing a school counselor of what is happening. I can't give up the hope that he will get help and come back to me. Not now, I realize that us being in a relationship is impossible right now. But I can't let go of the chance that our paths will cross again in the future.
I hate that I'm "waiting" for him, but I don't expect this to happen in days or weeks or even months. He needs to get help before he can be with me, but I can't help thinking that I did this to him or that I'm wrong altogether. I don't know how to handle this, how to think of the breakup, how to go on. I miss him--he was my best friend on top of everything. If anyone has had a similar experience (either broken up with someone or been broken up with), please let me know. I am so completely lost.
Post Edited By Moderator (getting by) : 1/4/2018 9:35:05 AM (GMT-7)