My daughter (D) is currently taking a gap year after High School. Working full time and getting her life together for college next Fall. She started dating a boy from High School in the late summer.
Due to our immediately family's experience with serious illness, she has become mature regarding life plans and understanding that life is a gift and often shorter than we imagine. In this regard she is way beyond her peers by a long shot, but very immature in other respects.
So this boyfriend is a very nice chap, head-on-straight, studing a science field in college ( <2 hours away) and is home *most* every weekend to see his family and go out with D.
They've been dating for about
4 months now and she just decided that he is too wishy washy and she wants to dump him. She would have done it already, but they had many things scheduled and she had a week-long trip out of town for her job, and then HE had a death in his family and then another family member had surgery and so it's been too many sad and chaotic things at once and she postponed the dumping. She feels that she is wasting her time on someone who isn't "marriage material" and I think she's jumping the gun. It's post-High School dating and it should be all fun and laughter, not serious and brooding about
who is a good choice to have as a partner in an 80 year marriage!
HE ONLY HAS ONE *fault* according to her, and it's that he doesn't schedule, decide and plan things. Even if she asks him what he wants to do for dinner, he won't propose any ideas. He asks her out for Friday or Saturday night to confirm that she's available and wants to get together and then asks her what she wants to do/where she wants to go.
"IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T THINK AT ALL AND HAS NO CAPACITY FOR ORIGINAL THOUGHT!" she expressed with much frustration to me the other day.
When she first told me this and asked for advice, I asked why this really mattered. It's her first dating relationship and they're both 18 (it's not like they're getting married!) and she should just have fun and go out and enjoy herself with his pleasant young man. She kept at it and so I recommended that she make note of a few of these instances and then bring it up with him casually to see WHY he doesn't propose ideas or even just decide something (easy) like where to eat.
He told her that for many things, it really doesn't matter to him..he's easy going and he doesn't care if they go out, stay in, cook, get take out...chinese, greek, italian, diner food. It's all the same. He doesn't really care about
it so he just lets everyone else decide because he'll like it no matter what. As he puts it, "I'm content with most anything people will decide."
He confirms with her "what to wear" when they're going out because she's more concerned about
clothes than he is and he defers to her opinion. As he told me "I just wear gym shorts and t-shirts unless it's cold. Then I wear jeans." He really doesn't care about
clothes unless he's going to a funeral or a job interview or a fancy party. I get that, he's in college and his family doesn't do many "fancy/formal" things so he's grown up with shorts-n-t-shirts being acceptable to everything, even family holiday dinners. Our family gets together with others (business & friends) at more formal occasions and so suits& ties and dresses are more the norm for us on a Friday or Saturday night. Men at least have a blazer on for a cocktail party!
She says he's wishy washy and isn't capable of deciding anything, and that it bugs her a lot. He also makes some poor food choices, which bug her as we have this family member who is very ill and better food choices could have saved then (and everyone else) a lot of heartache. So she's very mature in this regard and eats very healthfuly and exercises.
For many things she complains about
, I say it's an extreme case of him wanting to make sure that he's not choosing something that she doesn't want...he's TOO NICE and caters to her decidedly different mode.
I have also noticed that he's not super confident even though he has many positive qualities. (good grades, smart, solid long-term friends, close with his family, reasonably good looking, careful driver, kind to everyone) I've attributed this lack of confidence to the fact that his younger brother is taller and a "jock" which gets more accolades in school, the community and probably even within his family unit than his quiet, polite, smart personality receives.
All the other characteristics he has are A+, like he treats her well,
opens doors, INSISTS on paying for everything, hangs out at our house and is polite, respectful, asks advice, offers to help, doesn't smoke or drink (sure, he's underage and shouldn't be drinking anyway, but LOTS of 18 y-olds drink in college so I'm impressed).
So I am pretty sure that in the next few weeks when the other sad things going on in his life subside, she is going to have the talk with him.
What's my problem? I have (at least) two.
1. She is expecting too much at her age. So what he doesn't help with deciding stuff...like I said above, it's not like they're getting married and she should just date and have some fun. These things are more like what you'd want someone to work on if you were old enough to settle down and were seriously looking around for a spouse. Am I on target here, or way off base? Is there a way I can get her to understand that at her age, issues like this shouldn't be viewed as so serious to dump a guy over? (any kind of abuse, reckless driving, mean & rude...THESE are reasons to dump someone)
2. This news is likely to hit him like a ton of bricks and come totally out of left field as a surprise. I'm afraid it will devastate and confuse him. He likely won't understand why something like this is so important NOW and at THEIR AGES when just a few weeks ago she was all mooney and smooching under the holiday mistletoe.
3. When she does break up, I know I will miss him, as he's become quite a fixture here on the weekends. Is it OK to send a text/leave a voicemail/write a note after a few days to let him know I'm sorry to hear she broke up with him and that I wish him well? Or can I talk with his mother? I have only met her once briefly even though she lives in town (we're in a rural area, not in town).
4. I'm worried that she is dumping a really great guy and will miss out on a lot of fun and learning and self-discovery with him and she'll realize it (too late) and then slide into a depression. I should mention that she is just 1 year out of a huge depresseion related our that immediate family-member's illness issue.
Advice please...am I too worried?
I welcome your thoughts. This is the only BF/GF I've been "involved" with as her older siblings all went out of state to University and so I didn't have the opportunity to see what they were doing, who they were dating, and when they called for advice, it was more reasonable questions & concerns they had.
THANKS IN ADVANCE!
Post Edited (Questions) : 1/22/2018 4:22:28 AM (GMT-7)