33 days since my moms death

sigh-I'm feeling very blue

I can't bring myself to re-hash the last 5 months of my mother's life and explain the caregiving I was doing from 1200 miles away. I have pretty much erased it from my mind. It is like closing a book when you're finished reading it.

So it was soooooo stressful, many guilty moments, lots of anxiety about when the death might happen- would I be able to dash at the spur of the moment or would I be in the middle of my daughter's wedding?
Would I make it in time to hold her hand while she took her last breath?

I made it with 4 days to spare. (sob) I spoke to my mom every day since my dad passed in 2001 and there was nothing that had been left unsaid if you know what I mean but I knew she would want me with her when she died and I was so afraid I might not make it.

We made some more memories in those 4 days. Some priceless-some I wish I could forget but I know they will be with me forever.

The last 2 days were very hard.

OK- I just hit a point where I can't talk about it anymore

But why I write tonight is because I need to express that I am depressed.
Until just a few days ago- I felt only relief that my mom had passed. Such a big burden had been lifted from my shoulders. It made me feel guilty.

Now- that the release has afforded me time....in which my mind doesn't need to race in order to work FT, own a business & take care of mom & all her affairs
I am reflecting on those 5 months and I'm so f ing sad.

My mom who all through her life was religious to the point at times to being over the edge
stopped doing her daily devotions, had delusions & hallucinations that were evil in nature- some were medicine induced that I got her taken off of, UTI was another cause but now I'm thinking that maybe she had more UTI's then hospice dx'd her with and she suffered for no reason. UTI's are very devastating to the elderly and it doesn't cause the "normal" symptoms for them. She was so scared during these episodes- it breaks my heart. She said some really mean things to me during these times and that broke my heart as well.

When death was imminent and she was still coherent I asked if she would like me to call her priest and she said NO. The hospice chaplain had been there already. She hadn't attended church in many years because of the drive and poor hearing- but she tithed to them 10% of her social security check monthly.
They came to visit only upon requests from me 2 times- even witnessing the condition she was in. So I can understand why.

Yet it is very unsettling - I am questioning my faith at times.

I miss my mom. I appreciate how she had all her affairs in order to make it easier for me to get through this. She was so smart and so competent but she never felt she was.
I always told her to spend her money and enjoy her life-she worked hard for it and I wasn't expecting an inheritance and she did-but there was still enough left for someone like me to help make life easier with paying down bills or making home repairs a reality.
I dreaded my daily calls in the last months but I miss the days when I called because I was bored cleaning the kitchen and we could have a conversation during that. Lots of times about our faith or lack of and how we really needed better trust in God.

I haven't gotten any sign from her that she's crossed over and is in the better place. I got a lot from my dad when he passed.

Saturday will be seven months. I still look at pictures of her every day, as I have two on my desk. One is a family Christmas card from 1960 and the other is the last photo of her from Mother's Day 2016, as she was holding her great grandson.

More in a bit--must teach now

wearyRAsufferer,

I understand what you are saying about not even being able to talk about the last few days. My mother passed over 30 years ago, and even now I have only spoken about the last day twice. It's there, in my heart, but just way too hard to rehash or try to explain to anyone.

Hang in there, it does get better, but it takes time, and heals in bits and spurts. You are in my thoughts & prayers.

Thanks everyone - your responses were very comforting