can't feel happy recently

Hey, sorry if anything in this post seems overdramatic - I am a writer and like to craft beautiful phrases, even if their meanings aren't beautiful.

So am I depressed?
I'm a normal, straight-A middle school student with a scientific mind and a love for kissing other girls. I have great friends, a great crush, and everything around me is going swimmingly. But I'm not. Lately, I've just felt like I can't feel happy. I'm in English and I can't bring myself to put pencil to paper because everything's so futile. I'm at home and everyone's laughing around me but I just want to be alone. I'm in civics class, trying to write about suicide awareness, but the thought of putting that down on paper is so anxiety-inducing and I can't can't can't, and I skip health after that to hide out in the bathroom and feel numb while I leave red crescent imprints on one wrist with the other thumbnail. That was two days ago and the fading pink marks look like falling petals.


Other times, though, everything is normal. Usually when I manage to get out of my own head everything is fine. My hardest courses are my best because I have something to focus on. Laughing with my friends is still a great feeling, but then they ask me why I wasn't in class today and I make up some excuse about the library and hear the words "I'm fine, just tired" falling from my lips like stones.


I spent late nights googling the suicides of Virginia Woolf and Kurt Cobain, two of my favorite people, and looking at depression and suicide prevention websites. Anytime i see something with the word "suicide", "depression", or "death" I will click on it. And the thought in the back of my mind bugs me that when I die, I will not get cancer or an aneurysm.


I want so much to tell someone what I'm going through but my mind keeps feeding excuses for me not to. I'm not really depressed. I can't tell someone, their fake concern would make it worse. Their real concern would make it worse. They would tell my mother. I guess I'm writing this post because it feels safer to pour out my feelings from behind a screen, and the implicit distance of the Internet makes me feel better about sharing.


My mother's looking for a therapist but I haven't told her about this. I feel too trapped. Please help.

Post Edited By Moderator (getting by) : 2/11/2018 5:22:29 AM (GMT-7)

Hi Mira,

I edited your post. We don't talk about suicide here in this manner as it can be triggering to some members. I also gave your post paragraphs for easier reading. Please use paragraphs with two spaces between for easier reading.

How old are you? You must be at least 14 to post here.

I hope that you feel better soon. I do recommend you talk to a therapist and be totally honest.

Hugs, Karen...

My birthday is in November too. I am glad you understand about the suicide talk. Thank you...

I hope you have a counselor or therapist. They could really help you sort your feelings out.

You write very well. Have you thought about creative writing? It might be right up your alley...

Keep writing. Journaling really helps to keep thoughts in order. I bet you will do well with the articulate writing.

I really hope you feel better. Try not to think about suicide too much. It can get depressing.

Hang in there Mira...

I think you will do well with your writing. It is artistic.

Hugs, Karen...