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I'm Trying Hard But Still Have Difficulties

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Posted 1/16/2006 12:18 AM (GMT 0)
many of you dont know my story, some of you do... to keep it short, i was sexually abused by my grandfather when i was 10; family basically hates me 'cause they believe whats easier for them; still have to see him; and i am now 15, soon to be 16. went through most of it-- drugs,  drinking, cutting.. etc. 

ive been doing better.. i went throught the longest stage of just bettering myself... for once i was actually happy for longer than a week.  i felt great, amazing.  these last couple of days have just been ... horrible.  i dont even know how or why i even started feeling down.  usually around the holidays is when i get severely upset( i dont say depressed, my family acts like depression doesn't exists, that we chose if we want to feel this way ), but as im typing now i just have so much anger inside, and i just refuse to let myself cry... which i know is a bad thing. i haven't eaten anything ... horrible mood swings... i just feel like right now i am about to just break down and im just pushing myself so hard not to because its been so long. 

i finally started getting my act together.  im finally only failing 1 class... huge improvement then suddenly i just.. cracked. i just cant believe i got so far and suddenly, its over.  Yes, i know that theirs always going to be ups and downs, but it doesnt' feel like one of those times.

all my friends have so much going for them, i feel like a complete failure.   im started to become negative towards my body, which is a new thing for me... i can't even look in mirrors anymore.  ive taken so many falls in my life... to be honest i really do not think i have the strength to fall hard again.

i figured i'd post since it helped last time... hopefully it will this time too.


its hard to catch up
when the worlds holding you down

Posted 1/16/2006 3:12 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Never,  I can relate somewhat.... I was sexually abused by my stepfather from the ages 3-11.  I am 32 now. The only other person in the house that knew was my little brother.  My step dad said he would kill us all if we told my mom.  So we didn't.  One day when we were at school and for some reason my brother told his school counselor what was happening. The police came and picked us up and kept us for two weeks until they determined that my mom really wasn't "in on it" then let us go home.  My step dad got a good lawyer and 6 months in a mental hospital in St. Joseph Missouri, no jail time.  We never saw him again.  He remarried to a woman who had another little girl who he molested for years and now he is on the Missouri Sex Offender list. Hopefully for the rest of his miserable life.  I cant even imagine what it would be like to have to see the person who did this to me on holidays or just whenever.  Or not have my mom and closest family validate what happened to me.  Is your grandfather on your mothers side?  I may be reaching here but is there a long line of abuse from this grandfather in your family?  You certianly couldnt be the first.  Maybe this is why your family is choosing to ignore it.  It does not help you to heal for this.  Your parents are supposed to protect you.  I dont even know what to say.  Are you going to counseling?  I hid inside myself and wouldnt talk about it for many years.  It effected everything I did.  I finally had to just put it in its on space in my head.  Now, it isnt a part of my life every day but it shaped who I am today.  Just know that surviving that makes you a strong person. ~elisha

Posted 1/16/2006 3:21 PM (GMT 0)
nevergetseasy
your grandfather is the one that should not be able to look in the mirror not you. He's disgusting and it angers me as a mom to think that your mom is trying to ignore this. I think Elisha might be right. Your mom could very well be one of his victims and by bringing it out in the open then she has to resurface the demons that she has with him.
I see myself in you and it quite frankly scares me. I need to ask you an important question. Is there anyone in your life that you can talk to and tell your story too? Maybe a friends parent? Someone that might be able to help you. Your not in a safe enviroment,and someone needs to step in. If that man was sick enough to hurt you how do you know he won't do it again? I know you had to eat dinner with him sitting at the same table. That just disgusts me. Please talk to someone. A school counsler tell them even that you are scared and that you want them to not say anything until you feel the time is right. I don't know what they have to do by law once they hear these things,but they might be able to give you a couple of weeks to get things right in your mind on what you want to do.
Posted 1/16/2006 3:52 PM (GMT 0)
He's on my dads side; lives really close... & im in one of those familys where we like to get together with everyone for no reason.


No i do not go to counseling.. if i did that would be my family admitting to themselves that something did happen... and they just can't seem to do that. We basically pretend that nothing happened even though i know they see the scars i have... but still, it doesn't seem to matter.


talking to a school counselor is out of the question. my one counselor found out about the cutting from a friend, he did nothing. (( no i do not cut anymore ) No, their is no one for me to talk to. the only way i got feelings out and i didnt hurt myself was writing poems... i guess ill just start that again.



ill just learn to deal with it... thanks
Posted 1/16/2006 5:21 PM (GMT 0)
Never, you wrote that you will "learn to deal with it", I wish that you could see that you ARE dealing with it.  Everyday.  Of course cutting is not the answer, I hurt myself many, many times too.  So you like to write poetry?  That is an outlet to some of your hurt and pain, maybe not all of it but some.  I am so sorry it is your fathers dad, my speculation was way off.  I cant imagine how horriable it must be for you.  You are doing something positive for yourself by talking to people and reaching out here though.  I understand given your age and that you are stuck in the position or situation you are in.  You dont have to talk to anyone about it if you dont want too.  ~elisha 
Posted 1/18/2006 3:50 PM (GMT 0)
nevergetseasy
Is there a way that you could not be at the family functions? Maybe stay with a friend for a few hours?
I am in the "protect yourself" mode and feel that you need to stay away from this man.
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