my 13 yr old depressed son

My son has been diagnosed with depression, anxiety and suicidal ideation. He is currently taking medication and meeting with a councilor. He has been in inpatient after 2 ER visits for suicidal thoughts and possible suicidal attempt, (he was intercepted before he got home). Last night he was very upset with me for not allowing him to stay the night at his friends house, it was a school night. He said that he had been feeling depressed and suicidal and he felt that staying there would help him.

I told him that I understood that he wanted to stay but with it being a school night, he could not stay. He even brought his friends over to try to convince me to let him stay the night. He stormed in the house and said he was going to his room and to not talk to him. I poked my head in his room to tell him that I love him and that I understood and respected that he didn't want talk and he didn't have to. He popped up from his bed and began to unload on me. He told me that I'm the reason why he's depressed and suicidal. He said that I broke my promise and lied to him. I told him that I would do whatever I could within my power to help him through this and make him happy. Since I didn't allow him to stay the night, he took that as my promise being broken.

He told me that I always turn the conversation into being about me. I don't believe I do that, but I will take extra care to be aware that I don't. The entire conversation, he was so angry with me and that I don't help with trying to help him through this. I believe that I have been doing what I can. I take him to every counseling session, get his meds, visited him every day he was in inpatient. I encouraged him when he expressed interest in playing baseball and track. I tell him every day I love him and try to do things to get his mind off of bad things.

I took all of last week off for his spring break and went on adventures as a family every day. This morning when I call him to make sure he was on the way to the bus stop, he was still angry with me. I got a funny feeling and called his school, he wasn't there. I tried to call his phone, he didn't answer. I kept calling, still no answer. I tried calling my husband who was at home, no answer. I called the police department who told me to keep trying to get in touch with my husband and call back after I do to make sure he didn't go back home.

I finally got a hold of my son and he told me he was at his friends' house, the one he wanted to spend the night at. He said that he didn't want to go to school because he felt that he would do something bad if he did. He said that his friend calmed him down and told him that he would be missed and they would be sad if something happened to him. I'm glad that he finally heard that, even after I've been telling him that same thing, but he didn't seem to hear it when I said it to him.

I know this sounds horrible, but after last night and this morning, I feel that he was trying to manipulating me since he didn't get his way and going to his friend's house this morning and skipping school was his way of getting back at me. I feel that I'm trying to do what I can to help him, but it just isn't enough. It's like he sees me as the enemy now instead of someone who is trying to help. He talked about running away last night, so I slept in the living room. Every time I open his door, I'm afraid I'm going to walk in and find the worst possible thing I could image, him dead. I'm so stuck on what to do.

I've cried my eyes out so many times because he says hurtful things to me and I don't want to create a fight and make things worse, so I stay calm and tell him that I understand that he's upset and try to relate as much as I can to him. It just seems that everything I do is not helping, nor is it appreciated and I get it, he's a teenager, I'm sure we all know that most of the time teenagers don't really appreciate things or at least don't really show they do. I don't want to trigger anything for him and that makes me walk on eggshells half the time.

If there are any suggestions of things I can do different or try, I'm willing. I don't want to always have to make an exception or break rules our household has. I'm willing to bend them sometimes, but I don't think allowing him to just walk all over me or allow him do just do whatever he wants when he wants to do it is the answer for trying to keep him happy or just maintain. Any suggestions are greatly appreciated. Thanks for reading.

Post Edited By Moderator (getting by) : 4/11/2018 4:25:24 PM (GMT-6)

Wow, I'm so sorry you're going through this. I've heard it said that no one can hurt us like family can hurt us, and I can only imagine how much your son's words sting. At thirteen years old, your son doesn't have the life experience required to know how much damage he's doing to himself and his family. I don't think he understands the long term ramifications of what he's doing, although I'm sure that's cold comfort to you.

There's no doubt, from what you've explained, that your son has found a very powerful lever to get his way. I'm troubled that he finds it so easy to play the suicide card. To me there's significant difference between "I'm so depressed, I can't think of any option but death." and "If I have to go to class today I might kill myself." The first is someone asking for help, the second is someone being manipulative. I obviously don't fully understand the pathology at play with your son, but I do understand depression and anxiety, and the specificity of his complaint doesn't pass the sniff test. Depressed and anxious people aren't just depressed and anxious given a specific set of circumstances, they're depressed and anxious all the time.

Your job as a mom is to give your son a soft, secure place to land, and prop him up while he's learning to navigate life as an adult. It's also important that you call BS on his BS. If he's malingering, then he'll soon learn that his drama doesn't have an audience; if he's truly sick and irrational, then I suggest that a good psychiatrist will be essential.

A common problem when dealing with mentally ill people is assuming that if you just do something different, you can heal them. Generally, that's not true. You wouldn't perform open-heart surgery on your son, so why would you expect you can make his mental illness go away? In order to survive this with your own spirit intact, you're going to have to learn to separate the disease from the boy. Focus your energy on giving your son all the support you can, but don't allow his disease to colour your decisions. Right and wrong don't change because we're depressed, nor do standards of behaviour. Don't let him guilt you into making bad decisions because, in spite of what he says, I sincerely doubt his depression is your fault.

You asked for suggestions, and I only have one: talk to a professional yourself. See a counselor, or a psychologist, and learn how best to deal with your son while still being able to protect yourself. This is clearly a complex situation and you should equip yourself with as many tools as you can to help you navigate this stage in your son's life. You're not at fault here, and you're not 'less than' because you need help. Some stuff, like mental illness, isn't intuitive to deal with.

You can make it through this.

Wow.

Just wow.

Your poor psyche is taking a beating. All I can do is reiterate that this is NOT YOUR FAULT. He's acting out in a way that's deliberately hurtful, and he's trying to get under your skin. I don't pretend to know why, but stay strong, you're not going to be any use to him or you if you let his vitriol defeat you.

Honestly? Get your own counselor - you need all the help you can get.

I know how powerless you must feel, but you're not at fault here.

Thank you everyone for your responses. They are much appreciated.

I'm trying to stay as strong as I can through this, but it is getting tougher to do. I have thought about seeking my own therapist to try to help better equip me for this journey.

Will update again if more happens. Thanks again so much to everyone.

Wow, this must be hard for you. Thirteen is a very hard age. I hope you both get through this okay.

Hugs, Karen...

If your son has an iPhone, and you've activated the "Where is my iPhone" functionality, you should be able to tell where his phone is. Before you call the police why don't you send him one more text? Tell him you love him and respect his need for space, but if he doesn't tell you where he is, your next step will be to report him as a runaway. I think it's important to give him the opportunity to do the right thing by communicating with you, and if he doesn't, then phone the police.

Man, this kid is really ratcheting things up, isn't he? I'm sending good thoughts out into the ether for you.

Update:
I'll try to keep it brief. He came home Friday afternoon, I didn't try to have a conversation with him regarding this past week's events until Sunday afternoon. He seemed ok during the weekend and I knew we were going to need to have a discussion about it anyway and since the weekend seemed to be going well, I tried to talk to him about it. Long story short, it turned into an argument with him yelling at me and saying my rules were more important to me than him being depressed and suicidal. I told him if he felt that he was suicidal, we needed to go to the hospital. He said the hospital won't help him and that nothing is helping him besides him going to his friend's house because he feels they actually help him. How, I'm not sure.

He ended up taking off again. He had told me during our "conversation" that his friend's mother works for CPS and that if he didn't want to live at home that his friend's mom, (the friend who's house he wanted to stay at last week) could adopt him. He texted me saying that he was going to ask more about that. I told him that if I am found to be an unfit mother, then yes, they could intervene. He said that I hurt him and "Thanks for breaking your trust with me. That you got not being a good mom." He said that he hopes I'm happy that I may have lost a son.

He was very angry throughout the text messages and blamed me again for making him feel depressed and suicidal when we were trying to have a conversation about last week. I ended up calling the police and reporting him as a runaway. Since he has been diagnosed with suicidal ideation, he was moved to the missing persons list. A police officer called him and told him that he had 2 minutes to call me or he was going to his friend's house and beat on the door until he came out. My son did call and I briefly spoke with him. He sounded calmer, but still upset. He told me where he was, same house he was at last week. He said he was going to go to school and asked that I leave his backpack out for him.

My husband and I made the difficult choice of "changing the locks". I say it that way because we have an electronic punch-code for our front door. We were going to change the code, but ended up taking the batteries out and are now using a key to enter. We don't feel comfortable if he were to enter the house while we're away at work. I know it may sound harsh and I didn't want to, but at this point I don't know what to expect and the last thing I want is for him to come home and steal things from the house, or get upset and trash it. I know how he'll take it. He'll take it as us not wanting him there and get upset by it, but there comes a point in time that I also need to make sure that the well-being of the rest of my household is being looked after also.

I've contacted his therapist and school councilor and filled them in about this weekends events. I haven't gotten a call from the school yet saying that he's absent, so fingers crossed he actually went to school today since he only went once last week. Since he got in touch with me, the officer told me to take him off the missing persons list, but to call and report him again if he doesn't come home tonight. This ended up being longer than shorter, but thank you for taking the time to read and for all of your support throughout this more than bumpy road we're currently on.

I am very sorry to read about everything that you are dealing with, not only with your son but you & your husband.

Have you spoken to the boy's mother where he is staying? More often than not, by this lady allowing an under aged kid to stay in her home without making contact with the parents is not a good sign. There is no telling what kind of stories your son has told this person. I would certainly contact the parents where he is staying, it is illegal for them to keep him in their home since he is a runaway.

Legally he is considered a minor & you are legally responsible for him. He is manipulating you to get his way. I would seriously consider getting him admitted to a hospital.

Take care.

Hi Kilekine,

JUst wondering how things are going today,

Did you talk to his friend's mother? I hope so.

I would seriously get counseling for him and yourself (at the same time) when you get things straightened out. Or when you get him home.

I hope that things are looking better.

Hugs, Karen...

Do you even know where he is staying? Have you talked to the parents of the friend? He is only 13. It looks like he is just using depression and suicidal idealation to get what he wants. If it were my son, I might call the police again. If he is going to run away again, maybe there should be consequences for that. He could end up in juvie.

It is totally your call and I hope he comes back home. But he is acting out and being disrespectful. But that is just my opinion.

I honestly wish you the best. I hope that he comes home and starts seeing things from your perspective.

Best wishes,

Hugs, Karen...