Posted 4/25/2018 6:14 AM (GMT 0)
i posted here a while back. few of you might remember my story, and i want to thank the same few who took time to respond and support me while i was dealing with my then husband.
so we have officially split with me getting full custody and him not fighting for anything. he is still on his psychotic break, going on year three now with no end in sight.
supposedly, depression has waves where some will have periods of clarity, right?
he never experienced such a thing. he has settled into his world of paranoia where no one could be trusted and he has kept everything secretive from me and from his own children. he does not even communicate with his biological family (siblings, nieces, nephews, mom).
for the longest time, i wondered why his depression was so resistant and he had minimal response despite being placed on high dosage of multiple medications. despite having a great psychiatrist on board.
it turns out that he has psychotic depression, anxiety, panic attacks, (pseudo-)dementia, poor memory recall because of underlying autoimmune encephalitis. unfortunately, antipsychotics (which he was placed on) could make this illness worse. and psych meds are not going to help him unless the autoimmune encephalitis is properly treated first.
unfortunately, this rare illness infrequently resolves on its own, and he has gotten so paranoid that he refuses to trust any doctor's judgment. he has avoided treatment even though his primary care doctor tried to set him up with a neuroimmunologist to start treatment. he saw his lab results himself but is unable to comprehend the gravity of his illness. i tried to explain his illness and he agrees his symptoms are consistent with it; nevertheless, i'm aware that he thinks i'm making up his illness. just as he thought his psychiatrist and i were in cahoots to do him harm by drugging him; he thinks his PCP and i are collaborating to label him with this rare disease (that requires extensive and somewhat invasive treatments).
there are no laws in place to force a medical hold on him as he is minimally functioning and has denied suicidality over and over again. even if autoimmune encephalitis can lead to death.
it's really sad. i've already tried to work with four different pscyhologists and have not been able to find a good one for myself. they all ultimately admitted to being unable to help me.
it's puzzling, shocking, disappointing, and surreal to witness the fall of this once great and loving man. he was also once a good father. he now avoids me at all costs and treats me with either hate or indifference. he occasionally visits the kids but barely interacts with them. he mostly sleeps when he comes.
i understand it's the illness that has changed him; however, i do not deny that the cerebral part of me is still grasping to make sense of this entire situation.
it was as though he's been curse. my children and i have been curse as well.
i'm still trying to understand how to move on with guilt feeling as though i've abandoned him by asking to split (in many ways, he already treated me as a stranger. i just made the split official). i've done all i could to help him leading him to resent me even more. i pity him even though i know he doesn't even think about me. it's heartbreaking to love someone who thinks nothing of you; who's indifferent to you. and i have no choice to move on to keep my children sane and happy.