Sausages

Fake it until you make it.

I can't.

Anyway, I saw my care coordinator this morning, then my mum phoned up afterwards. I've got the Seroquel (or quetiapine, rather, it's the generic version). They're talking about me going back to the day hospital temporarily (2-3 weeks probably) and referring me to a longer term service called Complex Needs. My care coordinator is trying to get in touch with psychological services but they're not responding; frankly, I'm not surprised and I'm not expecting any useful help from that quarter for various reasons.

It may sound bad, but none of that made me feel one iota better. Although I appreciate that my care coordinator is trying.

My mum's phone call, on the other hand, surprised me a little. No being snide or fake, she seemed genuinely sad and sorry for me. And I could tell she's still utterly broken about my brother and blaming herself. I don't know if this next bit will get modded or not, but I have been wanting to die every day. X was just the final straw in a long, long chain of final straws. I don't know what bothers me more about the whole thing: me or him. I realise now that the things I thought I had got under control after years of effort and failed attempts, I didn't have under control after all - my anger, my neediness, my envy.

On the other hand I am still upset and baffled as to how he could try so hard to help me until the final day we split up - and then just vanish. Literally vanish. No email sent to explain why, nothing. Forget anything flirty; he was just always so kind to me, something I've not experienced a lot of in my life, to put it very very mildly. But his final act undid all the kindness of the last 5 years in one fell swoop - I don't know if he meant to be cruel and punish me or not.

I've got no fond attachment left to life. I can't put any of your advice into action, I'm sorry, folks. The only thing keeping me going is the thought that I can't put my mum through this a second time. But yeah, it does really feel like there's not coming back from this; not just X, but all the other pain, illness and trauma of the past several years.

Remember it is always darkest before the dawn. I think that the Complex Needs is going to help. Try to be positive. When you are, you notice the good things better. When negative, that is all you notice. It is that way for me anyway.

I wish you the best Miranda. I think you see things more bleak than they actually are. But I have confidence that the program is going to help you. It takes time, be kind to yourself.

Hugs, Karen...

I'm sorry NCT. I wish there was something that I knew that could help.

Oh god, what is wrong with me?

I can't get over this folks. I was feeling extremely agitated, so I spent an hour calming myself down. Then I watched a TV programme for another hour. My reward for my efforts?

I'm utterly lonely. Ridiculously lonely. Absurdly lonely. Twiddling my thumbs lonely. Stupidly lonely. Pathetically lonely. Tragically lonely. Suffocatingly lonely. Just lonely, lonely, lonely. I don't want to be on my own.

Edit: I'm sorry folks. But this is an absolutely exhausting and distressing way to live. It's been nearly 3 weeks and I'm still no better. I'm scared. Really scared. Scared of the loneliness, scared of my feelings, scared of what will happen if I don't feel any better soon.

Edit 2: I've taken 25mg quetiapine (Seroquel). Wasn't gonna take it tonight, as I'm going over to my mum's tomorrow and I don't know how it'll affect me yet. But I can't go on like this. The breakup with X has completely broken me, it's ridiculous, but I cannot snap out of it.

Post Edited (NiceCupOfTea) : 5/18/2018 4:31:10 PM (GMT-6)

Thanks Myself.

I wish I could believe it will change, because right now I'm stuck in the worst and longest low I have ever experienced. Every day I wake up, it's like waking up to a bad dream - only it's a bad dream which there's no waking up from because I've already woken up. It is exactly like that.

It's Sunday today and I *hate* Sundays because there is nothing to do and nowhere to go: I'll pop along to my local cafe for an hour or two later on, that's about it. Otherwise I'm on my own yet again - nobody to see. Just me and the ever-present, suffocating, stifling loneliness.

My life has descended into a series of losses, with each subsequent loss worse than the one before it. Major losses include:

- the loss of my physical health
- the loss of my parents/family
- the loss of the only friend I had in the area I moved into in 2015
- the loss of my brother
- the loss of X
- the final loss of every hope and dream I have ever had

On top of that, there are many smaller, but still upsetting, losses. One of those was an entire forum turning against me last summer and eventually hounding me out with their sheer nastines and bullying. I haven't been back since, not even as a lurker. But yes, that hugely upset me at the time, much as I tried not to let it to.

As for my parents, they are still around. The 'loss' in their case refers more to the utter disillusionment I underwent - not all at once, but gradually, over the course of 3 or so years. It also related to my mum more than my dad: I just realised she was not the person I thought she was. I have had a few estrangements with my parents since I moved out in 2015. I can just hear them in my head right now saying "well, that was down to you, that wasn't us". Well, no, it was them as well actually. They could have picked up a phone too; come round to visit me too.

It's just absolutely impossible to have an honest conversation with either of them. Neither can brook any mention of the past or the effects their parenting might have had on us. Conversely, neither will accept any responsibility for their children's feelings - if I feel bad, my mum does not want to hear about it having anything to do with my brothers, her, or my dad. She has never admitted my brothers' bullying of me when I was a child, my dad's abuse of me (or of her), or even her own ostracising of me. Instead my feelings have been turned back against me my entire adult life: I'm too sensitive, I should be over that by now, well she doesn't remember it that way/at all, families aren't suitable for talking to about these sort of things, all families are dysfunctional/unhappy, I'm not perfect myself, she feels like I don't like her and never have done. Etc. etc.

I used to see my mum as this... almost invincible person? Dunno if that's quite right, but she seemed immune to depression and vulnerability and unaffected by living with somebody as constantly neurotic and angry as my dad. I now realise that isn't true and think she has actually been quite badly affected over the course of half of a century of being married to my dad. And perhaps, even by her own, utterly emotionally unavailable, mother. (Something else she always professed to not be bothered by.)

I'm just rambling now. Sorry. I could write pages and pages and pages on my parents, but what's the point? It doesn't change anything in the real world by a single, solitary iota. My mum used to be my whole world - she can't ever be that to me again, the spell has been broken. I do love her. But she can't mend what's broken inside me, nor I with her.

My losses are simply too great to be absorbed. When I was a child, I loved stories. I continued to love a good story until... I don't know, 2, 3 years ago. Maybe longer. But even a rubbish story, well told, could speak to something deep inside me. It could touch upon the search for a sense of meaning, of belonging, of mattering. Now even stories have finally abandoned me, I think: meaning and belonging have gone and I can't derive comfort from stories anymore.

I don't suppose you'll ever see this, but I still miss you. X.

I am sorry I haven't been on much. I am still pretty sad.

All I can say is to take things one day at a time. Try to be in the present. It takes time to heal. I wish you the best...

Hugs, Karen...

Life is what you make, not what you hope. One half of one half of one half of one percent gets what they dream of, ya know. Things happen. People happen. Illness happens. Grief happens. Stupid things happen.

The point is--it's how you deal with the things that happen that matters. I know you know this--but it bears repeating.

It is okay to be punched in the gut periodically, metaphorically speaking. Sometimes we grieve, and we cannot see the end of the grief. Eventually, you have to put down the pain and the anger and the numbness, and take action again.

I understand. I am angry with myself as well. But--if someone came and asked me to forgive them for doing something similar to what I did--I would. I need to be as kind to myself.

Ncot

Have you considered a grieve support group?
You have had more than a persons share of loss. It may help
Peace
Trins

Hi folks.

@Trina - I've been told about Cruse. I looked it up and there is a local support group which meets up once a month. They also offer one to one counselling (I dunno if it's just a one-off or for longer if you need it). I think what has put me off applying is that X has now complicated things: to me it feels like another death I need to mourn, but of course he hasn't really died - he has just disappeared. I feel guilty for saying this: but it feels like X's disappearance has hit me harder than either my friend or brother's deaths. On the other hand, if my friend and brother hadn't died unexpectedly, I probably wouldn't have ended up so dependent on X.

Life is beyond ****ed up for me at the moment. If it wasn't for two online friends I dunno where I'd be right now. It's still impossible to see a positive future. Anyway, I should apply to Cruse: I really should.

@iPoop - Thank you. I read it. I think it helped a bit. There is no point in constantly beating myself up for something I can't even change now.

Anyway, update time...

I went back to the day hospital today. Wasn't happy with how my care coordinator sprung the news on me - she only let me know yesterday. I went anyway, but in all honesty it felt like a complete waste of time. I was there for three and a half hours; we did about one hour's worth of actual 'study'. So much wasted time, it's ridiculous. Then when we do finally have a lesson, it really is banal stuff, consisting largely of the sort of lifestyle/wellness tips you'd find in any woman's magazine. Obviously it's good to eat healthily, exercise, have fun, do something creative, connect to loved ones, etc. But if I was capable of doing those things (particularly the connecting to other people), I wouldn't have got to the point I needed psychiatric intervention in the first place! I absolutely long for a positive connection to a loved one: do I have one? No.

Then we had a mindfulness meditation which might have been more helpful, if they hadn't tried to cram too many people into too small a room, leading to a woman in a wheelchair having a panic attack and wheeling herself out of there. I felt that the staff member was making jokes at this woman's expense after she had left the room and said something, quite angrily. The staff member denied that she was talking about the woman in the wheelchair. I didn't really believe her, but couldn't prove otherwise, so dropped it.

The day hospital has another bad connotation for me, although nothing the staff could know about unless I told them, to be fair. I sort of associate it with the beginning of the end with X - it's not related to us in any direct sense, but that's when I downloaded WhatsApp and when things started changing.

On another note took my car to the garage this afternoon. They couldn't get the window fixed, so I'll have to go in again, either tomorrow or later in the week, depending on when the part arrives. £200 just be able to move my window up and down again - crikey. Wish the manufacturers had just stuck with a wind-up handle, as they did for the back windows.

Couple of pictures I took of a small garden I took a stroll around this afternoon. I liked the rainbow shot.

VIEW IMAGE
VIEW IMAGE

@iPoop - Yeah, you've hit upon something I do enjoy doing: taking photos, especially of landscapes and wildlife. I don't do it seriously though - I just use my phone. It has a pretty deece camera for the price, but obviously isn't as good as what a good digital camera would be or even a high end phone. The one feature I would look for next time is an optical zoom: digital zoom worsens the resolution. I do have a basic editing programme already, with emphasis on the basic - Photoshop it ain't.

Anyway, another update... :-/

I walked out of the day hospital yesterday. I was in a bad mood already and the rowdy atmosphere of the classroom (think very loud, shrieky laughter) put me in an even worse one: I picked up my bag and stalked out, kicking the door in a temper as I did so. I went back home; there was nowhere else to go. A couple of hours later my mum phoned me saying that if I didn't call the day hospital, they were gonna get the police out. I could tell straight away she wasn't lying and so, very reluctantly, I called them. After a fairly long conversation, I agreed to go back today for a one to one session but not to the classroom.

Which I did. Had the one to one session a few hours ago. At first there were two people there, and it was all very fraught at first. But after a while one person left, and I was able to relax more and open up to the remaining person, my care coordinator. I'm way too tired to reprise the whole conversation, but, long story short, we talked for about an hour about my problems. Not just current ones, but going back into the past and looking at the issues I have with attachment and abandonment. It did actually help. I finally felt understood and in turn able to make the care coordinator understand why CBT and its ilk doesn't work for what I've got (which is basically PTSD and attachment issues stemming from childhood). I've been referred to the chaplain, who is also a psychotherapist and so hopefully will understand as well.

I also realise now how much I dumped on X in the last few months. I had partially realised already, but today made it even plainer to me. Unhealthy attachments, and all that - plus carrying around a jumbo jet's worth of baggage with me. Unless I deal with the baggage I'll just bring it into any new relationship I begin: the care coordinator said that, and she is quite right.

I pray I can find some meaningful help moving forwards and that I can get out of this black hole of PTSD, depression and depersonalisation - also told the care coordinator about how I felt like I didn't have a sense of self. (It's an almost impossible feeling to describe, but sometimes when I walk by myself amongst other people I sometimes feel like I am a ghost, or even a dead person walking amongst the living. That's the most concrete example I can give of not possessing a sense of self.)

Post Edited (NiceCupOfTea) : 5/24/2018 8:46:57 AM (GMT-6)

Sounds like you're taking good steps toward figuring out what you want and how to get there. I often feel like a ghost too. It's a weird feeling. I kind of like it though. I almost wish people paid less attention so I didn't have to worry about what they think. I think you will find yourself when you're doing things that make you happy. Photography is a great hobby. I rarely take photos these days, but I took some of the park for you when I was there.
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The weather here has been so gray lately.
I wanted to get pictures of the ducks for you but they weren't around...

Thanks for sharing NSSG...

Nice pics...

Hugs, Karen...

The ducks are probably the same ol' mallards! I hope i can get some pictures of wildlife next time. There is this one big one though that has a red head. There are also little black ones. There are some bird watchers there often. I wonder what they are watching for. I have seen some hawks, and lots of little birds, but nothing really too crazy. Sometimes I see the blue jays, which are sapphire blue here in the west. I also see lots of hummingbirds, which I love, but I see them at home too.

I print standard letter size and cut to square. I can do 8.25 in square, which can look really nice with the right frame. You can have a mat to make the image stand out.

I want to see some more of the places you walk. Post more pix when you can

Oh wow, I just looked up that duck. It must be one of these: /en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Muscovy_duck

Do you like comedy? I find that a lot of comedians have dark humor, but I find it funny.