Sausages

I haven't worked since my mid 20s - I'm 43 now. I'm not gonna just walk straight into a job - how do I explain that I haven't worked for nearly 20 years?

And, yes, I do regret it. I have messed up my adulthood life beyond all measure.

Yeah, just be up front. Be positive and confident about it and something will work itself out. You won't start as a CEO of a company but I think at this point anything to keep you a little busy and meet people could be a great start.

The job market has changed so much, I wouldn't even know where to begin. It's all zero hour contracts and the gig economy these days. Not just that, but part time and self-employed workers are left worse off by the (compulsory) switchover to a new benefit called Universal Credit.

I will not give up my current benefits for unsettled employment. Not least of which if it falls through, I can't just simply go back on the same benefits at the same rates I am on now. I will be put on the new, lower rate and have even less to live on than I do currently.

I loathe what the UK has become with a burning, passionate hatred. The UN has condemned the government's treatment of the disabled. We're one of the richest countries in the world and the government has been carrying out an ideological pogrom of the poor (that includes the working poor), disabled and immigrants for the last 8 years.

After Brexit things can only get worse, especially if the Tories are still in power.

I wish I could leave.

Thanks for understanding, Karen...

Universal Basic Income can't come quick enough for me. That's the only thing which will free us from the capriciousness of governments and employers, imo.

Urgh, everytime I start to hope I might be approaching turning a corner, I plunge down into another abyss. And the abysses last about fifty times longer than the 'peaks' (which are pretty low, but still feel fantastic compared to the abyss).

Edit: He's just appeared in my Gmail sidebar...???

I deleted him from my google contacts weeks ago. I have no idea if this is anything to do with him or google playing silly buggers with me, but I haven't done anything!

Post Edited (NiceCupOfTea) : 5/31/2018 1:55:35 PM (GMT-6)

Even after all this fricking time I still don't get what happened. My friend said wotsit seemed pretty great until the end. I replied with this.

"He did seem great. Calm, generous, kind... until he left me in the ****ing lurch when he knew without a shadow of a doubt that I was struggling. He seemed so sympathetic about it all, really empathetic. Saying stuff like anyone would struggle with all the crap I had on my plate and he wouldn't worry about me if I only had one or two of them to deal with, but all of them would be too much for anyone to handle.

How the **** could he say all that crap and then disappear? I don't buy the wife making him break contact - he did it because he wanted to, not because his wife forced him to."

Ignore the bleeped out swear words >_>

Wotsit can go jump in a lake.

If he was so loyal to his wife, he wouldn't have spent years flirting with me. And in case none of you believe me, other people saw it at the time. Somebody from another forum that I'm a member of and which wotsit posted on for a while posted this a week or so ago:

Honestly, when he showed up here, I thought he was trying to win you. I mean, maybe it was teasing between the two of you, but to an unintiated observer, it looked like heavy flirting. I even thought you left because you'd had enough of his constant attention. I didn't know, but that's how it looked. Then he left and you came back. (Glad you're back, by the way.) So I don't think you can be held accountable for having lost your heart to him. He did a number on you. Friends? Maybe, but he didn't treat you like he would have treated a buddy.

That quite surprised me. I honestly don't remember the "constant" attention bit, but I'm sure he was going OTT as usual.

Anyway, did I say wotsit can go jump in a lake? He betrayed both his wife and me in the final analysis. Wotsit can go jump in a lake.

Moving on from cheese-flavoured maize snacks, I had a more positive evening than I've had in a long time. I'm not gonna wax lyrical 'cos it wasn't anything amazing. But I was able to go back to an old video game and just play it for 2-3 hours withOUT having any other thoughts distract me. Before, I would have half-heartedly played a few levels, but barely been able to concentrate on even the easy ones. Hopefully it's a good sign of starting to get better...

Post Edited (NiceCupOfTea) : 5/31/2018 8:04:29 PM (GMT-6)

I think you've got some positive signs that time is helping with whosit (playing your game for hours and enjoying it). You've had a good evening and sound like you are off on a good start for today. We all go through the same stages in a loss: denial, anger, and finally acceptance. You're progressing through them (and we all go through them kicking-and-screaming, but do progress with time). The victories will become more frequent and longer with more time.

Identifying the warning signs you missed is how we learn from past mistakes, build experience, and helps you avoid repeats in the future. For example, you might say: "UK valentine? Is that a joke? Save the Valentines for your wife." Read into conversations more critically, and ask your female best friend what something means if you're not sure. Emotions can be irrational at times, and can cloud what we think about a situation. We're all puzzled by others at times, and having a non-partial friend as a sounding board can help.

Does this best friend have others she hangs out with? Try expanding your social circle to friends of friends.

If working isn't an option, then could volunteering be an option? A few hours a week helping out at the local humane society, and walking/playing with dogs could be rewarding. And often animals are more understanding then people are, and easier to work with lol.

Is no pets in your flat universal? Or only apply to big ones like cats/dogs? Not sure if you could have a budgie/canary, a fish, hamster etc.

Thanks iPoop. Couple of helpful tips there about warning signs and what to say in response. You're a married man: would you call a female friend your valentine, even as a joke? I realise you can't really say you would, even if you would... >_>. But you don't seem like the type who would anyway.

I do feel quite guilty/stupid myself now, for ignoring comments like that. But he never followed up on them, never said anything explicit, never tried to come onto me. So I don't think my usual warning system was triggered by him - he seemed to have an absolutely genius knack for going right up to the line, but not crossing it. If anyone is interested, this was my response to the valentine remark: "Oh god, don't... : / I've had enough of pink hearts weeks ago."

So yeah, not exactly like I was leading him on in these sort of exchanges. Usually I just changed the subject.

Today got off to a bad start, but got better... I went to a daycare centre for adults with mental health and addiction issues - they do various activities during the week. There is an art group on Friday afternoons. I went into the art room, but had a kind of shutdown and couldn't say or do anything: the art group leader gave me some art books to look at, but I was utterly unable to choose a picture to copy. I almost left, but luckily another member of staff spotted me and we went and sat outside on the wall and talked. I have to say, she was really nice. Proper calmed me down, reassured me I didn't have to join the art group until I was ready - I could just come and sit in a corner with a newspaper if I wanted to. She also called my care coordinator; she wanted to see me so I went and had a chat with her as well.

So yeah, I'm actually getting more support than I've ever had - I think it was only a year ago that Whiteleaf were trying to kick me off their books. It feels a bit weird and I don't want to become too dependent on it, because I know it won't last forever.

Sadly the best friend lives about 75 miles away from me, so we only meet up a couple of times a year. I mean, 75 miles isn't that far, but the journey is a bit of a nightmare.

I am gonna look into finding more volunteer work as soon as I'm ready. Bit nervous, as I don't really feel ready to deal with other people yet - even familiar faces are a struggle for me at the moment. But animals should be okay... >.>

As for the no pets rule, I'll have to email my landlord and find out - I suspect fish are fine and small rodents are probably fine too.

NCOT, my daughter went thru a divorce after being married 15 1/2 years. She hated apt living with a passion. She called me one day & said I have a new boyfriend, his name is Bob. My thoughts were great, she gets rid of one jerk, will probably end up with another one. So, she says you need to come over & meet him. I am really not wanting to do this, but went. I got over there didn't see a guy, instead Bob, was a beta fish, lol. She went to a pet store & bought a nice large fish bowl & decorated it up for Bob. In no time at all this goofy fish knew when she came home from work. She would walk in the door & say Bob, I am home. He would swim to the top of the bowl & hang out, lol. I saw it more than once. I know sounds crazy. But this fish only did this for her. I was in charge of going over & feeding him a few times & it never happened for me.

Volunteering at an animal shelter you will have little contact with people. Most of thankful to have someone come in & pay attention to the dogs & cats. You would be there for the animals not the people. I know a couple of people that do this. They cannot have pets where they live so this way they can be around them.

Thanks straydog and iPoop.

Not a good evening. Had a really awful row with my mum over the phone. It began over wotsit, but even I am not gonna hold him accountable for that one: he isn't responsible for my mum's personality and her emotionally abusive ways. She only does it to me, nobody else, so nobody else sees that side of her and it's just almost impossible to describe. For years I used to put it down to her drinking, then I realised a few years ago that she was actually no better sober - I couldn't blame the booze anymore (except for maybe scrambling a few milion brain cells over the years, I dunno).

Anyway, she ran the entire gamut this evening: taking the other person's side, throwing EVERY thing I said back onto me, calling *me* abusive (for shouting in sheer frustration), refusing point blank to discuss anything, hanging up on me, threatening to stop seeing me ("If you don't like me, I suggest you don't speak to me anymore and I won't speak to you"), making false accusations (she insisted I called her a coward in an email; when I read her the offending email which didn't have the word "coward" in it, she didn't apologise and insisted that I had meant she was a coward anyway, which was the same thing as actually calling her a coward), using my brother's death to score points against me, and basically mountains and mountains of self-pity for her and no pity at all for me.

A friend of mine said my mum was emotionally abusive a few years ago. I didn't want to believe her back then, but I do now. And not just on the basis of tonight, but of many many other falling outs - this was just perhaps the most vicious one yet.

My dad phoned afterwards. Had a long and emotional conversation with him. I gave him my exact opinion of my mum, which basically boiled down to saying that she was emotionally abusive and I no longer trusted her or saw her as my friend. He got absolutely nowhere in trying to persuade me otherwise. And won't either.

That said, we didn't end on a bad note. When I told him that I thought my brother was the favourite, he unsurprisingly denied it, but did make a couple of concessions which were actually quite thoughtful - given the circumstances, I mean. Anyway, it made me feel better if nothing else. He also asked me to come over on Sunday to help with something - I'm fairly sure it's a task he could do himself if he put his mind to it, so I suspect it was an excuse to get me to agree to come over. Not that I mind that, but seeing my mum is going to be super duper duper duper awkward. I'm not in the mood for placating her in the slightest, but on the other hand I'm just not sure I can physically, mentally and emotionally take yet another split.

My name is Miranda, not Maureen... :/

Anyway, I went over to my parents' house today. No rows, but it was a weird atmosphere. The task that I was meant to do nobody mentioned - when I finally brought it up, my mum didn't seem interested, so I dropped it. Barely said more than 20 words to her all day. I didn't have anything to say tbh. Didn't feel like small talk and anything else would have been verboten.

@Trina - Yeah, I get that it's not a great idea to put all your eggs in one basket.

But what's the alternative? Trust nobody at all? That's an absolutely miserable way to live - trust me, I'm talking from experience. I don't trust anyone. Everyone important in my life has let me down and I can neither forgive nor forget.

NCOT, also remember that to almost every person, "real life" as in connections in person and face to face interaction will always trump internet life. If the 2 cross or conflict, the one that will take precedent is your real life. Maybe that's all that happened was the internet was an escape for whatsit but once it clashed with his actual life he had to make a choice and picked what every other person would too.

Also agree with iPoop that everybody flirts to feel better about themselves. You see it at work, at the bar, the grocery store, at school. It's just a way people use to give themselves a boost without crossing that line. You know how the saying goes, you can look but you can't touch?

Just make sure you don't take it personally. I'm sorry that this hit you so hard but you shouldn't let it affect your future trust in people. Especially if you actually meet them.