Stressed mom

Some background...14 year son, diagnosed with depression, anxiety, and suicidal ideation. Early last year was rough, hospitalized twice and admitted for a week. Started on anti-depressants and that seemed to make things ok for a little bit, but I think it was a placebo affect for the first couple weeks since I know it can take at least 4 to see the effects. Well, week 4 was a total blow up and he ran away twice and blamed me for all the problems he was facing including why he was depressed. He stopped going to his councilor because he wasn't even home for me to take him. Councilor said he could no longer see him since he missed 2 meetings and my son was passed what help he could offer.

Eventually came home and things were going ok. Had bad days where he didn't go to school, or went to school, but I had to get him. I know he is having issues with some kids at school and a couple of ex-girlfriends that are spreading rumors about him. He's a very sensitive kid and unfortunately tends to dramatize things and overreact. I'm personally am the type of person who hates drama and I tend to underreact to things and brush them off, not just because I've grown up, but because that's how I've always been. So, it's hard to connect with him because I don't understand having that kind of sensitivity towards things that people say. He takes a lot of things to heart and he just ends up with having a defeated attitude towards things. He automatically resorts to he just wants to end things (life) every time something goes wrong in his day.

He has been seeing a licensed therapist that comes to his school to meet with him every Friday besides having meetings with just the normal school councilor. This past week, he seemed to be having a good week. He didn't come home in a bad mood or say that something went wrong. He and I have a pretty close relationship and he talks to me quite a bit about things that bother him. The 2 times he went to the hospital, the child protective services councilor even noticed that we have a close relationship, more so than she's seen in most parents and children. There are of course times that he doesn't want to talk about something that is bothering him, but eventually will talk about it with me.

Today, he texted me while at school, "Can you think about online school cause I just can't deal with going to school, I want to learn and get smarter but I can't with so many people antagonizing me at just preventing me from learning more." I asked him what was going on and what they were doing. His response: "just please think about online school cause if I have to go here for like another month I might blow my brains out." I told him that no one is worth ending you life, especially those types of people. He just said, "OMG MOM just will you think of online school" I'm not sure exactly what to do here. While I think it's important to physically go to school for social reasons because I believe school sets a platform for how to deal with people in the 'real world'. Also, my son likes to be social. I don't know if it would be best to have him take online schooling because it could possibly make him feel more isolated since he isn't getting social interaction. Plus, both my husband and I work full time. I'm not sure it would be the best scenario to have my son at home without supervision.

When he ran away, it became increasingly difficult to be able to tell when he would actually have days where he so depressed to the point where he doesn't want to go to school or if he's using that as an excuse to not go. While he was a runaway, he constantly used his depression and anxiety as a manipulative tactic all because I wouldn't let him stay the night at his friend's house on a Tuesday during the school year. When I spoke with his councilor, he stated that boys tend to do that more, especially towards their mothers because they know it will hurt them the most in the hopes that the parent will cave and give the child what they want. He said that from what I was telling him, it sounded like that was what he was doing.

I just don't think online schooling is the best scenario for my son, which I know he will firmly disagree and more than likely be extremely upset with me if I tell him I don't think it's the best solution for dealing with the kids at school. I don't want him to get the idea that the best way to deal with things that go wrong in life is to run away instead of facing them or learning to cope with them. I'm stressed every day he's at school that I'm going to get a phone call, either from him or his school councilor. Every time I even get a text message from him, even if it's just asking if I can put money on his lunch account, my heart skips a beat and my stomach goes in knots when I hear his message tone.

I know being an adult, it's easy for me to say because I know the world is so much bigger than high school and that life actually begins after high school because that's how I learned. But you can say it till you're blue in the face to a teenager, and they won't hear you. If you're child is taking online classes, I'm interested in your input whether it's positive or negative.

Thank you for your time reading my ridiculously long post. =)

Post Edited (kilekine) : 1/14/2019 12:01:43 PM (GMT-7)

How heartbreaking to see your child in such pain. It's great that you are reaching out, considering his requests seriously, and trying to understand his feelings. And that can be so hard with teens, especially when you feel like they are very different from you in personality and are behaving in ways you find scary and challenging!

You identify as someone who can be dismissive, and you say that your child is very sensitive and overreacts to things. Close as you are, there's a degree to which you might invalidate your child's feelings, possibly even intentionally, because you think it will harden him in some way that you think is better for him. To a sensitive person, that can be very damaging. You obviously love him and want to be close with him, and I want to encourage you to empathize before advising and be mindful of his sensitivity. It's not a weakness or a flaw.

Adolescent brains are very different from adult brains, and "black-and-white" thinking makes problems in high school seem giant and insurmountable. He might be physiologically incapable of realizing that jerks don't deserve his energy, or that embarrassment is temporary, or that things will get better. And that is exhausting! Thanks goodness we grow out of that, usually! Trauma, including ongoing bullying, can interfere with that brain maturation and keep him stuck in an all-or-nothing mindset even longer. It's great that you are supportive of him going to therapy. Is there a way he can participate in the search for a new therapist? Would he prefer a teen group? An online therapist? Psychology Today's online directory can be a good place to start a search. Maybe then he'd feel more invested in showing up for appointments.

Honestly I think that his suggestion of online school is great. He has identified a need he has - to get away from a toxic social environment - and offered a free alternative that he is willing to take responsibility for. Good for him! My family homeschools, as do hundreds of families I know. We all are very social. Kids can interact enjoyably and confidently with any age group, including adults. Something that struck me early in on that people talk about going to school for social skills, but then they spend the rest of their lives trying to overcome them! High school is incredibly far from the real world, whereas with homeschooling he could create his own paradigm - really delve into his interests, get an internship, sleep later if his brain works better later, eat when he's hungry, get sick less often, go to the bathroom when he wants, deal with jerks when he needs to but disengage from people who are optional, interact with people of all ages and from all backgrounds, study in ways that work for his learning styles, get excited about learning! Colleges are fine with homeschooling transcripts. It sounds like you see online school as running away from challenges, but I see it as identifying which challenges are worthwhile. Which fights do you more harm than good? Should your teen years be about coping or about learning and developing? When you struggle with a mental health disorder and you feel triggered in the place you spend most of your time, doesn't it make sense to try something else?

Perhaps you could explore these things together. You might be very surprised by the options out there. If you want basically the same curriculum except online, then that's very easy and you have a zillion to choose from. If you want to open your mind all the way, look into unschooling! And there are endless varieties in-between. And there are co-ops, learning centers, homeschool-specific programming at lots of museums and libraries and maker spaces and other sorts of centers. Over-scheduling is a common pitfall, and people tend to be happy to carpool if biking and/or public transit aren't options in your town. Get on local email lists or Facebook groups for homeschoolers and see what's out there for teens in your area. Lots of families with two working parents make homeschooling work with teens. He might thrive with the extra privacy and freedom, and a less-stimulating environment (noise, lights, crowds, judgments, etc.) is beneficial for a lot of people. Maybe you and he can find an option for homeschooling that you both support. And even if you don't, it might mean a lot to him and repair some damaged trust when he sees that you have taken his ideas seriously.

Big hugs to you and your child! Wishing you both all the best.
Sara

I had what I thought was a nervous breakdown (psychotic episode) in the 11th grade when I was reading after a stressful situation that had occurred in the class 30 minutes before. My girlfriend was sitting right next to me, so that was a second layer of awful.

I just kept going to school, I didn't know I had a choice. I guess I figured, there were 20 people in the class room but there were 500 who were not. I didn't look at anybody's eyes going down the hall after classes after that.

I also used the psychological defense mechanism of blocking out. I just assumed, and really believed, that no one else knew about it except for the 20 other people in the classroom, and they already knew it, so there was nothing I could do about that.

I also assumed my girlfriend would want to keep dating me, she didn't. My mother got me to go to a psychologist, so I had some help. Got my local general practitioner to give me a tranquilizer when I had to make a speech, and I made it OK with that medicine. Maybe he could get on some medicine until his nerves settle down, like an anti-anxiety.

Also, there was only about a month left in school, and I was going to another school anyway the next school year since we were moving.

Like it has already been said, I think it would be OK if he took online courses. Only he knows how much this is wearing on his nerves, and how much he can take. I would read his take on this and go with what he thinks.

But like you, it would be good if he could just let the false rumors go, as in, "Be what your friends know you are, not what your enemies say you are."

Post Edited (Tim Tam) : 1/17/2019 4:38:48 PM (GMT-7)