Finding peace when you're scared...

Karen - Thanks for the offer; it is kind of you. I blamed the person on Twitter for my bad feelings, but now I am less sure it has anything to do with them. Just to make it clear, they didn't do anything wrong! It was me who read their tweets, checked out their blog and decided to message them. They were all alone in the world, suicidal, and I know how that feels. I knew I couldn't do anything to help them, and said as much, but I just felt like I couldn't walk away without at least making at some attempt to let them at least know one person felt their pain.

Anyway, we followed each other on Twitter, although the conversation we were having died out as Twitter conversations are wont to do. I've since managed to have at least one Twitter meltdown (it happens, but rarely - once every few months or so) and two real life meltdowns. The first was triggered by a stupid drawer which wouldn't close. I tried to remove it - it wasn't having any of that either. In the end I had to literally break the thing to get it out. It turned out a box of tampons had fallen behind it! (Another thing I can indirectly blame Brexit for #BrexitStockpile.)

The second meltdown this evening was triggered by me being rubbish at Geometry Dash, but in reality the annoying level wasn't the problem. It was my rage at everything under the sun, followed by intense fear and then finally even more intense loneliness - I missed not you-know-who, but a friend who died nearly 2 years ago. My only friend in the area. That surprised me as I haven't thought about him much recently, but this evening I would have given anything to have seen him in the local café again.

As for the fear, I'm scared about my eyes again. The cloudiness is definitely worse. It could be that the cataracts have got worse or that the extra light as the sun gets higher in the sky is causing more cloudiness (light triggers it). As well as the anxiety, it just makes being in the sunlight depressing. I went to my gardening place today and sat by the pond and watched the ducklings playing for a while. They were so cute but I couldn't completely enjoy it because of my borked vision.

Brexit is another huge source of anxiety for me. I've spent nearly a year trying to build up a stockpile of my eye drops because I wouldn't trust this government to make me a cup of lemonade at a lemonade stand, let alone provide vital medication in a safe and timely manner. But now that we do seem to be on the brink of a no deal exit for real (MPs rejected all options again tonight), it doesn't seem to be nearly enough.

If I absolutely have to, I will pay privately for my cataracts operation - yes, I'm thinking a no deal Brexit could be that bad. In the meantime I am on a waiting list and should be having the first eye done in May or June, but I haven't been given a date yet. I'm also anxious about the lens and wish I had gone over more options with the ophthalmologist - I mean, at the very least it should clear up the cloudiness but since I will have to live with them for the rest of my life I would like the best prescription possible.

So... yeah. I'm having the flex sig on Thursday. Will begin a low residue diet tomorrow (I mostly eat low residue anyway, so that part won't be hard). After that is over, I am not sure whether to start looking for a puppy/dog or to hunker down for Brexit >_>.

Our clocks went forward at 2am on Sunday. Europe is doing something with the clocks. Can't quite remember what now, but I think countries within the EU will have the choice of choosing permanent summertime or wintertime. If it was me, I'd scrap DST and keep permanent wintertime. It'd make no difference to winter, but the long summer evenings would be slightly less long. Suspect that wouldn't be too popular with the general public, but I'm not really a fan of it getting dark at 11pm. Maybe I'm being selfish though, because I don't actually do anything with the very long evenings :-/ (I don't have a garden tbf, so there isn't a lot I can do.)

I've got all the painting stuff out, but I haven't actually done anything like, er, paint. I will try and give it a go soon. If my eyesight isn't good enough to see fine details clearly, I will wait until I've had the cataracts done and got new glasses - I'm struggling with close-up work and often have to hold my phone or kindle right up to my face just to be able to read it. I deffo need new reading glasses, but I may as well wait until I've had the cataracts done first.

Anyway, I hope the weather gets warmer for you soon, Karen. I personally like cold weather, but I don't think even I would like it all year round - changes of season are nice.

@Trina - Thank you for the suggestion. I was thinking along the lines of IT work and working from home myself. (I think in an ideal world, I would work half the time from home and the remainder in an office.) However I'm clueless as to what type of IT work you can do from home. When I'm ready I will need to do some research into different IT qualifications and where they are most likely to lead.

I'm feeling better now, but that may be the codeine and diazepam kicking in ;p

Hi NCOT,

How was the flex sig? I'm glad it's over. Now I wish your cataract surgery would hurry up and get done. Everyone I know that has had it done thought the results were marvelous.

Brexit - OMG, what a mess! It makes our troubles here in the US look like child's play. I hope that it doesn't affect you when it finally happens. But it sounds like a good idea to be prepared for the figurative storm.

Maranda, IT from home in the simplest for is "tech support". I do not now how many jobs there are. However, I can say Apple has by far the nicest people. I am sure they are trained first. It is a phone call and I am sure it can be done by router or wireless.

May I suggest in the most compassionate way, to refrain from going on Twitter. It does not seem to serve anyone well. Same problem in America. Who needs more stress.

Good job getting the art supplies out. I found that if I take a few moments and concentrate on my feelings at the moment, then paint, the emotions flow out of me onto the canvas, paper, cardboard whatever.
It use to be anger and rage all the time, now it is calm and other emotions at times.

Remember you are an individual. I good person. Not part of a group of people of a country. If the Irish passport does come through apply for another country. Or a visa. Can you get a 6mos visa for Ireland?
Try hard to challenge you fear and turn it into action.

I know first hand this sound like &^*%$*@#$. But as hard as it is, you will find independence and strength after doing this a few times. When the panic starts. Tell yourself NO, I will not cower, what can I do to hasten moving out of this country or protect my self? I did with my eyedrops! I can do something else!

You are a strong women Maranda, amazing. Try not to let people or situations steal your peace of the present.
Peace and strength
Trina