Not worthy

This will probably ramble I'm sure.
But down I go again,and I have a feeling if things turn out like I expect I'm going to go down alot harder this time.
I done alot of thinking these last few days and I've come to the conclusion that I'm not worthy for a number of things in my life.
my kids are 15 1/2 and 18. I live 2 hrs away and my daughter could care less whether or not she sees me the following weekend. My son has about 5 minutes to give me each night to talk.
I thought I had a great job prospect as I had 2 really good job interviews. The last one was on the 17th and I still have not heard from them. I left a message and an email yesterday but no word. It's been a year now for job hunting. It's a smaller town,blue collar town. I dunno
I think about my b/f and me not having a job.Not being able to contribute finacially. Why would he want a future with someone like me? I am not good enough for him he deserves someone that doesn't have so many problems and that has a good job,that actually can have good news for once instead of something bad happening all of the time. Someone that doesn't have nightmares that wake her up each night. Someone that doesn't have to cling to him just to be able to go to sleep.

I think I've had enough

Don't say that!!!!! You're worth so much, you have no idea. Everybody's worth it and you might feel a different way but i KNOW you're wrong... So your children are giving you a hard time, is that your fault? No, it's not. They're old enough to make their own mistakes and decisions, you haven't done anything wrong, and if you have more bad news than good ones then that's just a part of your life as it happens to many... Continue trying to get a job but don't stress about it, if your b/f is with you that's because he's with YOU, he cares about YOU, even if you have problems and bad news and bad things happening to you and no job for the moment. Count on people in this forum when you need somebody to talk to, because here you can tell us all the bad news in the world and everybody understands and nobody will judge. I've felt the way you have, about the probelms and the thoughts like "I'm not worth it, I'm a horrible person, who would want me in this world, would anybody care if i died" but I've always tried to seek help or at least cope with it by myself and get it through the day somehow... Just DON'T give up because you ARE worth it!

I am here. Sorry I didn't get on the comp for the rest of the day.
Your right I need to lean on him..but I lean on him so much. He's a trooper that is for sure.
I didn't get the job here is what the response was:

Stacey, at this time Management has decided to promote within.
I enjoyed visiting with you, you are very bright and have a great
personality.
Your references were steller. If in the future we are looking again I would
appreciate being able to contact you.
Best,
Joanie

The above is basically what I've been getting since I moved here. Great references,great personality blah blah.
That doesn't bring the bacon home though.
And I miss my kids so much it makes me want to cry everytime I think about them. I don't tell my b/f how I feel,but yesterday I bawled for about 5 hrs straight (my eyes were swollen this morning) and he decided that we would go to them and stay at a hotel for the weekend if they didn't want to come here. I know they are both busy with their own lives but I need to see them. I need to know that I still matter and I tell them everyday that I love them but hugging them and telling them will make a huge difference.
I need to make some changes. BIG TIME
I sit in the house day and night. I look forward to going to the store. I clean to the point to where it's became a compulsive disorder. I have always been that way about keeping my house clean. I think it's because I've never been able to control anything else in my life so I know I can at least control how my house looks.
Today,I'm going to clean.
He's so busy with his job (he owns his own computer business) that sometimes he doesn't get home until 9pm,and then will still have comps to work on so he might be in his office until 2am. Which means I am alone all of the time.
I'm whining....and wallowing in self pity I know.
Beth do you still have my personal email addy?

Please do not make the same mistake I almost made by losing your children over a man. I regret the years I lost with my children because the man I was seeing strung me along in hopes of being a real family some day. I should have caught on much sooner (took me 7 years) and ended it. I didn't want to see the real picture. Now I'm trying to make up for the time I neglected my children but I don't think there are some things I can ever make up or get back. That's really what brought me to this board. That relationship. It was devistating.

just my luck too..
But,you never know where life takes you. We might be internet friends for a few years then blam we meet in person. How exciting would that be? So awesome to even think about!