I'm depressed and my boyfriend is bipolar

Oh Sadsong I am sorry I didn't see your post yesterday!!  What a jerk...sorry it had to be said.  We don't know what we would do without you either!!  This is terrible.  No you shouldn't have to justify anything with him as he doesn't deserve it and it is not required of you anyway.  Maybe you could take a day or two and think of what you do want to say to him about how you were very patient with him and his moods swings, and the horrible way he treated you last and that you don't appreciate him intruding on your life again.  You could write it all down and send that in an e-mail.  Ya know make it real business like and kind of curt sounding.  It may also make you feel better about it all in the long run as you would of gotten your feelings out about him and addressed them to him.  Or instead of e-mail you could tell him to his face but inlew of his past behavior toward you I am not sure he would stand there and listen to you full out. 

You could always buy a computer Sadsong....Dell always has some great deals I got my notebook from there and love it (even though I only use it for school or when PC messes up).  Just an idea.

Hugs

I have come to realize in my infinite wisdom and age (yeah all of 32 lol!) that guys just sometimes don't get it.  I could tell you were really trying to hold to keep hold of your anger in your post.  Writing it out always seems to help for me.  Then there are the times that I turn into that girl on exorcist, I grow horns  and start spitting out all the terrible things that I think and they ever did.  My ex-husband used to always say "now that I have seen satin can I have my wife back now?" LOL!  Afterwards I feel a little guilty but it always makes you feel better for getting the toxic feelings out. 

Talk about money and student loans, I will be paying on mine until I am retirement age I am sure.  My first four years of school were at the University of Missouri and that was quite expensive.  Graduate school well, I am best not to think of the expensive of it....

Julia...I knew just who you were talking about.  I am not quite like that (I wish) but I do most certainly pick my battles.  Oh if I know I'm right I'm right. lol!!  probably why I'm divorced...

I have a friend just like that who has the perfect marriage, just like made for each other.  They argue and stuff like normal people but they just make it look too easy.  Makes me kinda sick to even think about.

I have one year left until I am finished with my master's.  I have already started paying on my loans even though they are deferred as seeing them keep increasing just added more stress to me.  So I feel like I am paying down on them even though I know I not coming even close.  All the while I am thinking 'I could of bought a house'!!  Well maybe in 40 years when I'm out of debt.....take care friend

Hey ladies -

Gosh, I've totally forgotten what a joy it is to have girlfriends! :) You guys have made me laugh, cry, and start to believe in myself again. It's truly been a wonderful way to feel "connected" on so many different levels. Knowing that other people are experiencing similar things makes me feel less isolated and has helped me to start enjoying life again. Thank you for sharing your fears, struggles and sucesses. 'Cause we do have our own successes, "if the world was shunken down to 100 people only one of 'em would have a college education or higher. And that same one person would be the only one with a computer". So, I am very thankful that I have found you all! :)

I was finally in the right frame of mind to sit down and write. So, I took your advice els and compiled a short and curt email that I just fired off to him. I actually ended it with a threat. The inner *&^%$ has spoken. It was a strange experience writing it. There was a big part of me that was extremely anxious during the whole thing and then as soon as I hit the "send" button a huge wave of calm washed over me, which was really powerful. We'll see if he listens, if he doesn't all of his *&^% ends up in the river!

LOL. Hey Els It's great to hear from ya! :) It was an empowering experience, but I found myself down in the
dumps last weekend. (I went home for Easter and while my dad is making a wonderful recovery my mom is
NOT taking care of herself, which is very frustrating.) But, I returned to my clean apartment and took care
of myself for the first day or so before things started to slip again. All of the negative things that my mom
said to me while I was home kept replaying in my head. The only way I was able to
get through Easter was by curling up with a book for the majority of the day and blocking everything else out.
Which I don't think is the best strategy, since it actually does deal with the problem, but when others refuse
to discuss the situation and when I try to confront it I'm always the "bad guy". Here's the deal - my dad
now weighs 121 pounds, while my mom needs to loose at least 60. She was in the hospital last year and
had lost 50 lbs and was told she needed to lose 50 more. And when I asked her how she is doing she lies
to me. (It looks likes she's gained 10 lbs, but instead she says she's lost 40lbs. Her logic is maddening!) I
understand that she wanted to stay positive, but she lives in a complete fantasy world and it frightens me to
no end, because I feel like I'm slowly turning into her. She also escapes into book in order to avoid reality and
I've recently just had to buy my first ever pair of "fat pants". AGH! Granted I don't have a lot to worry
about right now since I have only gone up from a size 4 to a size 6, but I feel huge! There is fat in places
where it simply does not belong. Which makes me more depressed and then I don't feel like exercising
because I'm too depressed to bother. It's an vicious cycle! Plus, I really don't like confrontation and I
really think she uses that to her advantage. I mean she eating twice as much as my dad is and she's the one
who needs to loose the weight. While I was home we went out shopping, since I hadn't gone shopping in
years. We stopped for lunch - I order a chicken ceaser salad, she orders the same but the side version, but
with a butterscotch sundae! And whenever I try to discuss her health with her she launches into her high and
might voice that goes something like "Well, the doctor didn't tell me that I couldn't have anything". When the
truth is she is suppose to be on a low fat, low salt diet. It seems like the more people bug her about it the
more resistant she is to take care of herself. I don't know what to do.


So, I haven't done anything with the volunteering, but not because of my lack of motivation - the guy with the
eyes has not asked me to do anything and only scheduled our first site visit for May 22nd! There's a bunch of
other things I'd like to do, but I can't seem to generate the motivation once I get home. I'd like to learn how
to salsa, take a pottery class, or sign up for a Yoga class and then I get thinking about how much that all costs
and I end up sitting on the couch with my old laptop in front of me instead. :( I really need to sit down and
write out my bills, but there's this voice in my head that keeps screaming "I DON'T WANNA". It's like this
spoiled child has risen inside me and is preventing me from taking any positive actions. Sometime I can
silence her, but other times I cannot. Because once she has awakened she keeps screaming "YOU CAN'T
MAKE ME. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO." It's a very strange voice that I can't remember ever having before. It's
almost as if I'm trying to rebel against the life I currently have. That deep down inside somewhere I
realize that I am not happy and I don't know how to fix it and this is most recent way my body has found to
get me to notice that something is wrong and I need help.

As far as the guy with the eyes goes, I'm not sure if he is the smartest tool in the shed. It doesn't sound like
he has a whole lot of experience with dealing with volunteers. (I worked for non-profits for most of my life,
specifically dealing with how to motivate and retain volunteers and one of the most important things you can
do is get volunteers involved as soon as they express interest). Perhaps I can reach him a trick or two! :)

Hi Sadsong,  I'm sorry you sound so stressed .... I understand completely about family issues, I can only really seem to tolerate mine in small doses.  I too often find myself looking for any reason to escape even if it is just in a book or the bedroom with my face shoved in a pillow to scream in.  It may not be the healthiest way to deal with them but I have come to realize that I cant change their behaviors, just mine.  Doesn't make them less irritating though... I have been struggling with a few pounds of weight myself.  Seems that I cant fit comfortably in some of last summers clothes.  I have gained about 5 pounds over the winter but it feels like 25.  I take two blood pressure medications that make me retain fluid some days and swell up like a frog.  I walk quite a bit but think that I need to do some other kind of exercise to get the weight off.  Brownleaf has given some excellent advice for the yoga, meditation...I may try that.  Now that it is almost summer, I spend a lot of time in my mom's pool.  But if I am forced to live with the extra weight than I guess that's okay too, I am almost 33 now, not a kid anymore.  Lol! I am glad that your dad is getting better.  That has to be a huge relief to you. 

Sadsong~ I know I feel like that too...weird huh?    You defiantly aren't alone.....

Oh yeah, He's not dealing with a full deck.  And they say women cant make up their minds....It sounds like he is trying to get the upper hand in the situation.  If you have everything packed up what you could do is message him and say something like..... I am more than happy to return your things, but I will only return your things to you if we meet at the local police station since you cant control your temper.  You know something along those lines and drag all his stuff down to the police station with you and be a little early and go in and get an officer and explain the situation with him and that you just want him to witness you giving this man's things back to him.  And feared that there would be a confortation (again) if he came to your house or you to his.  They do it all the time.  I wouldnt meet him without someone there to witness it....Just an idea.  I did this when I got a restraining order against this one guy I was dating many years ago.  He was psychotic too.

LOL!!  My mom says I am like a bum magnet...if one is within 50 miles I attract em'.  My track record I really don't give her much reason to think differently.    So, your not alone when it comes to being unlucky in love.  I cant even say that I really believe that there is a such thing as true love...I can hope.  Hey maybe when you go to the police station you can pick yourself up and cop....ya never know..   Good Night!

Okay, I just sent him an email suggesting that we meet at a local police station that is located half way between
both of our houses. I'm a nervous wreck, but I'm looking forward to putting this all behind me.

Thanks Elisha. You're vote of confidence is greatly appreciated.