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Posted 3/21/2006 12:36 AM (GMT 0)
Hi, I am new, this is long but I am desperate. My history:Long bitter divorce when I was  4.Dad should have gotten custody but my Mom did b/c of the times when women almost always could get custody. My mother is extremely weak and wanted me to lean on as well as so she could spite my dad and his new wife(her former friend)long story longer, my mom married the most abusive, mean spirited person I have ever met. He beat me regularly, Screamed consatntly at us, called us pigs and stupid women(starting when I was 6)and told me every day until I left that I was a worthless, no good ***** who would never amount to anything and that I would never have a say in this world.My mom never stopped him or defended me. When I was 17 I was raped and I truly believed all my stepfather taught me was true. My sexual histrory reflected this as well with an exterme fear of closeness and lack of trust. I met an amazing man when I was 23 who wanted to help me and loved me for who I was. I was ashamed of my past and tried to keep it a secret and did until he could tell there was too much suppression. When I told him, he was angry that I lied but loved me anyway.I am 32 now and despite my efforts every month, when pms begins, i have all the feelings again, it's like I am so afraid to complete anything. We get so close and open and without fail I tear it down every month by pushing him away until we explode into arguments and have to begin again every time. I have had a problem with over drinking holding my alcohol and at pms time I sometimes black out and become very mean to him. I never feel worthy of this wonderful man and don't know what he sees in me. I just feel so lost, worthless and out of control.I have tried all the bcp's as well as Celexa, paxil, prozac and xanax. I don't want to lose my amazing husband and I need to stop pushing away.Someone please help me eyes
Posted 3/21/2006 2:25 PM (GMT 0)
Hi fleebee,  I wanted to first welcome you to Healing Well forum. 

I hope that you are able to find the kind of answers and support that you are seeking here.  We will try to help in anyway we can.

You childhood is a lot like other girls and mine too.  I was physically and sexually abused by my stepfather for many years.  With one difference in that my mother didn't know of what was happening.  It is common for children that have had these kinds of upbringings to act out sexually or be indiscriminate in their actions later in life.  It is all with believing what you have been taught.

What I find curious is that you are linking your past with your monthly period and stating that it is "PMS".  That it only comes up during these times and the rest of the time is fine.  I wonder if you are doing this subconsciously as this time of the month shows most that you are a woman. 

I would suggest finding a counselor as soon as possible.  You have to heal the child in you before you can work on all the rest.  It is very hard and brings up lots of unwanted feelings and memories but in the end the pay off is worth it.  Peace...

Posted 3/21/2006 4:03 PM (GMT 0)

Hi Elisha,

Thanks so much for your reply. I never thought about the link to my femininity, though it makes good sense. I have been nervous about counseling only b/c I don't know how to find a good one and am afraid to go through all the past and find that he or she is not the one who can help me. My husband thinks that I just have to let go and trust him. I do trust him but every month gradually I think he is the enemy, though he is the kindest, strongest person I've ever met.I'm going crazy, but the fact that he has hung in there and believed in me through all this says I must be able to get better. Thanks again.

fleebee

Posted 3/22/2006 11:40 AM (GMT 0)
Hi ya Fleebee
i'm trying hard to be a ghost about HW, but it's not working to well at the moment, theres always going to be something that reaches in and grabs my heart and this is one.
First, i can understand your feelings and guilt, and how it affects your relationships, i have been there though different circumstances and im a male, but the effects are the same, and theres no easy answer, you have been brave twice now, once to your man and once here on HW and thats a great start, telling your story over and over will help you greatly, and also writing it down, getting some confidence in your own worth is so important, and by taling about it as much as you can, will help this, even if you initially scout around it and slowly add more, many of the trust issues will fall away, though not all
As for the Counciling, i don't know what it's about over in the US, but here some will have a free meet you session, and this is helpful, because you can feel your way a little, though i think it would be much better for you to see a woman, i was lucky because the woman Psychologist i seen was wonderful, i gave her 400+ A4 pages of my life story, and she read it, and remembered pretty much most of the details, but you are right, you need to see the right one and that can only come from how you feel about them,
you can leave most of this behind you, but it is hard work to start, as els writes, and if you make this start i think your man will support you all the way, just as we will here
Hideous things are done to children and people, that destroy so many lives, Families, friendships, but you are so much more than what happened to you, and thats what you will find in time with a little courage that you have shown here
keep posting Fleebee, there are some really wonderful people here who do understand you and will support you, and maybe have a little fun sometimes too
you've met Elisha, she's a darling, but there are many more
take care
Posted 3/22/2006 5:15 PM (GMT 0)
Thank you for your encouragement. I thought I was healed so many times and was determined not to relate to people as a victim of my past but I realize lately that there must be more at the root of things that I need to free up. It is a constant effort, that's for sure. I finally have health insurance so I am working on researching a good therapist. Elisha is definitely a sweetheart and you are too. Thanks for sharing and giving me a place to open up. It really feels good to know I'm not alone, though I wish noone had to feel like this. I think I am allowed to mention books here and 2 that have been helpful to me are: The Blessings Already Are" and "Forgiveness, The Key to Thy Kingdom". I have reached for them in some of the tougher times and felt some relief. I've even bought them for a few others I know and they've appreciated the words as well. Hope all is well, I'm so glad I found this place:)
Posted 3/22/2006 6:35 PM (GMT 0)

Thank you so much fleebee, I needed that today (it has been a really bad day for me).  You are such a sweetheart too.  Healing from the type of trauma that we have been exposed to is difficult and an everyday challenge.  But we are strong enuf to get through it.  One day at a time.  Thank you for mentioning those books I will look into them.  I hope you have a wonderful day. 

((hugs))

Posted 3/23/2006 2:22 AM (GMT 0)
Hey Elisha -

Sorry to jump in here, but I'm really sorry to hear that you've had a bad day. :( I hope your night goes much more smoothly! :)

Fleebee -

I tried to reply to your original post on Monday night, but my computer ate the message I had written. The touch pad on my computer is overly sensitive and sometimes had a mind of it's own! Anywho, I'm glad to hear that you're finding the support that you're looking for and best of luck on finding a therapist who is right for you. I'd be very interested to hear how your search goes!
Posted 3/23/2006 3:13 AM (GMT 0)
Thank you so much Sadsong.  You are always welcome to jump in where you like...I always look forward to hearing or reading is more like it your posts :) tongue    My evening is going a little better, but I am having some major chest pains today.  I am not sure if it is due to stress or my heart problems but if it persists tomorrow I guess I will have to call the doc.  Anyway, you take care and have a good night....
Posted 3/24/2006 2:46 AM (GMT 0)
Hey Elisha -

I don't mean to commodeer this threat Fleebee, but I just wanted to make sure that you're okay Elisha. It's funny, ever since I found this forum, I haven't been depressed unless I let myself be depressed. I write and write and write, edit and edit and edit, and then finally hit the send button. Once my message is sent off into cyberspace I try to patiently wait to hear from you. I always look forward to reading one of your posts, since they are always so full of wise and savy advice, understanding, and compassion. And I must say that I owe most of my progress to beating this *&%$ illness to you. I cherish the strength and wisdom that you have so freely given. And I hope that you are taking care of yourself and have someone just like you in your own corner. :) Please know that I'm here for you if you need me. And I also hope that if you still had symptoms today that your doctor has helped alievate them. Lastly, I hope you feel better soon! :)

Have a splended night! :)
Posted 3/24/2006 2:19 PM (GMT 0)

Sadsong - That is so sweet...THANK YOU!!  I have felt exactly the same way.  This site has helped so much to have been able to find people who go through what I do it amazing.  I too look forward to your posts as you have a lot of wisdom and insight to give.  You also have a positive attitude and outlook and are a strong woman who isn't afraid to stand up for what you believe in.  I admire that in you so much.

I still felt bad yesterday and had lots of chest pain and pressure.  I didn't go to the doctor...I know that I should of but I have pre-op today for my Angiogram on Monday.  So I am hoping I can get through the weekend without much pain and discomfort.  Stress tends to make it worse.  It doesn't help that I have a pacemaker wire pulled out of my heart (cardiologist is fixing it Monday) and my heart rate has been low too.  I spent most of my day yesterday asleep in my recliner tongue  with my fat cat Normandy on my lap,  I will most likely be there today too.

I hope you have a wonderful day...

Posted 3/25/2006 12:46 AM (GMT 0)
You're more than welcome Elisha. I just try to tell it like it is. I truly believe that when someone deserves a compliment, then they should get one! :) And just so you know, the whole positive attitude thing is sort of a facade. It just sort of seems to ooze out of me when I get on this site. It seems to me that there is so much pain and sadness in the world, that I just need to counterbalance that with a different perspective. I find that especially easy to do here.

I hope your pre-op went well today. I also hope that you are not as stressed as you were yesterday. Stress can be difficult to control, especially when you are going to school, are dealing with your own medical problems, and volunteering as much as you are. When I think back to how I survived grad school, there was a lot of going out with friends after classes to decompress, getting over my fear of asking for help from teachers and classmates so that I could understand the more technical or scientific aspects of my new field, and making sure that I built in time for myself (i.e. going for a walk, reading a book for fun, or calling an old friend). So, I hope you are listening to your body and taking care of yourself, for your own sake!

I hope you had a very peaceful and relaxing day. Mine was extremely hectic, but I'm ready to put my feet up and watch a movie. :) Give Normandy a pet for me! :) Enjoy the weekend as best as you can! :)


but was able to learn,

of of the much I was able to accomplish while I was in undergrad in such a short time frame, I really don't know how I did it. I mean grad school, minus the whole thesis thing, was stressful, but seemed compared to undergrad! :)


And that you are doing something to lessen your stress levels.

There seems to be so much pain and sadness that I have to take another approach - it goes back to me being a rebel. If everyone else is acting a certain way, well then I want to do something different, so I'll stand out and someone will notice me. Maybe it's cause I love the attention, maybe it's cause I maybe, just maybe, I can shed some light on that unbelieveably powerful darkness that seems to overpower us from time to time.
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