My husband has told me he doesn't want to live anymore

Hi there, hope to get some much needed advice.  My husband of soon to be 10 years told me a few days ago, that he just doesn't want to live anymore.  He says he's not happy when he's here at home, not happy when he's at work and just basically would like everyone to leave him alone.  He said that little things set him off and he has thought about comitting suicide several times, just feels that he is too much of coward to go through with it.  My first thought was please get some help, but if you knew him you would know that would be completely out of the question.  My second thought was concern for my children, specifically my son who is 2 years old and stays with his father while I am at work 3 days a week.  My husband works third shift so we swap out staying with our children.  We also have a 8 year old daughter and I have a sixteen year old daughter from my first marriage.  He promises that he would never do anything to the children, but he has such a bad and explosive temper I'm afraid he might just lose control in the heat of moment when something has happened with the kids.  He won't think about talking to our family doctor, or a therapist, he simply refuses to do anything about it.  He says he has felt this way for about a year and half.  I know that we have had some rough times, we struggle with working different shifts, sleep deprivation (who doesn't have this with kids???) and just the regular issues of two people growing and changing.  I never thought he felt this way.  It often seems to me that he seems to want to back peddle from responsibility and being an adult (he's 38), he wants to play computer games, and has exhibited some very poor judgement in his actions of late - he was stopped by a police officer going 117 mph with our 8 year old in the car.  I thought maybe some serious consequences from this might change things, but they basically gave him a slap on the wrist and doesn't seem to have phased him.  I don't know what to do, I want to help him but don't know how.  And I don't know if he will even accept it.  Any advice would be greatly appreciated!

Hi creative,

I'm really sorry for your situation. It must be really scary for you. I know your here looking for advice. I'll give you what I know and perhaps a place to start. And if anyone after wants to add or disagree I really hope they will.

You should know that I'm in the position of your husband. You are talking to someone who has been fighting against suicide for about 10 years, and I'm still alive so I must be doing something O.K.

He knows he needs help, he confirmed this by telling you his thoughts. Unfortunately, he isn't ready for a professional, but he is ready for you. It took him a year and a half to recognise it, but he did. This may be a step in the right direction, I'm sure he feels a little 'lighter' now having shared a part of his burden. However if it were me, it would mean that things are so 'heavy' that I can't carry it on my own.

Now that being said. He may not be ready for the help of others... but, he's ready for you.

STEP 1: LEARN FROM HIM - In quiet times ask him about how he feels and try to understand him (If you don't have quiet times - make them; his life depends on it). Talking is extremely helpful. Be soft and think of him only. Try not to 'solve' him, or be offended. Feelings cannot be wrong. Ask him how you can help him best (write it down soon after so you don't forget) understand that this may change with his mood. Ask him if he's felt this way before. It is key to find out if there is a pattern.

STEP 2 - LEARN FROM PROFESSIONALS - Make yourself an appointment with a psychologist/psychiatrist/Family Doctor/religious leader/comunity health organisations etc... everyone you can. Read about it. (Don't leave the books around the house) Learn about his condition, learn to understand him... ask them how you can help him. However, DO NOT... I repeat... DO NOT come home and say 'I was talking to ....... today and they said that you should....' He is not ready for their help... but he is ready for you.

STEP 3 - LEARN FROM OTHER SUFFERERS - This is good for two reasons. Firstly, this will give you another glimpse into your husbands mind but, be mindful that EVERYONE is different. There will be alot of conflicting info. Sift through it. Secondly, if you can tactfully mention just how many people have this problem, it may make it seem more common. This may make it easier for him to get help because it's not such a big deal.

If you can get him to do the following it may help him:
- Excercise
- Eat Well (You know what I mean)
- Perform Service (If he is thinking of others he can't think of himself)
- Rekindle a Lost Passion (Think back to his highschool day's... who did he want to be)

Take things slower for a bit. Let him play his computer games a bit... it will help him to escape himself. I know you are busy with your family so you may need to make a deal with him. Play it for ..... minutes then help me with ........ Just a note though, from what you've mentioned it seems your husband is self destructive. Killing yourself is only one way to hurt yourself. You can hurt your self by hurting those that are close to you. Internet ****, sex chats and cybersex are great ways to escape reality and sever important relationships. For those of us who are self-destructive it makes it a great temptation

I can't suggest anything other than medication for his anger. I am 80% sure your children are safe with your husband but, I would pick up as much of the child care as possible. Don't treat him like he's an idiot though.

Now, you came here for advice on your husband and I've given the best I know, however, you have been forgotten in all of this. Take care of yourself also.

Good luck

Hi creative1,  I wanted to welcome you to Healing Well forum.  I am sorry it is for this reason that you found us though...but glad you did.  You have received some excellent advice so far.  I just wanted to add that some of his behaviors could be seen as a "cry for help" such as speeding with your son in the car (he had to know he would get pulled over, if not have an accident) also, distancing himself playing video games on the computer.  I wonder what has changed in his life to bring on this feeling?  Most people who do have clinical depression or major depression have suffered with it for many, many years it just doesn't come on all of a sudden.  He could be dealing with a situational depression, or something more could be happening here.  Keep trying to encourage him to see a counselor or doctor.  I am posting this website to you so you can take a look at it and hopefully get your husband to look at it or at least get some more ideas of how to help him. http://suicidal.com/depressionandsuicide/ We are here if you do need anything.....Take care