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Depression
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Posted 4/18/2006 1:41 AM (GMT 0)
I don't know how I got here. I only know that I've hit a huge roadblock. I am an international student studying in the US. I went through a terrible divorce a year back, and decided to take this opportunity to get back to school. Initially it was all fine. But since the past few months everything has been going wrong. Medical bills for health problems that have piled up (i've been admitted to the hospital twice) and I can't afford, no job so no earnings, bad dates, poor health, pregnancy scare twice, stress of mounting debts, every week (and i mean every week) some bad news or the other and now? Now I have just lost the first man who I fell for after my failed marriage. It's not been that long I admit. We dated only a few months but it was wonderful. With him life seemed beautiful. Now that he is moving and doesn't care for me the way I do, it feels awful.

I've been on the birth control pill for a couple months. It's not helping all this in any way. It's been 2 days since I got to know he's leaving. And I can't stop crying. Just can't stop feeling wretched.

I know others out there go through worse. But I don;t know what to do. I feel hurt, lonely as hell, dejected and frustrated. I have always been good with my education and career (this is my second masters and a career change), but I, like everyone else, want a husband and a family. It's evading me all the time.

And now, with losing this great guy, I can't seem to carry on. My ability to rationalise my bad luck's running out on me. I've tried to stay positive, tried not to let things affect me. But now there is just a childish resistance in me which refuses to accept anything. I don't know what to do. I just want him here with me. I don't want him to go. I want to find love again. Want to be accepted.

I can't handle not having a personal life or earning any money. Can't understand why after going through 5 years of a painful relationship and a traumatic divorce and health that just doesn;t get okay, do I have to still face disappointments.

I know we need to find happiness within ourselves. But I am unable to. I feel sad all the time. I wake up and I wonder what to do with my life. I look at couples walking hand in hand. I am not suicidal, but I think I am very depressed and unable to cope any longer.

Please don;t misunderstand me. I have tried to make things ok. My family is wonderful and they support me a lot. It meant a great deal to me get over my ex husband. But increasingly my ability to take successive hits has gone down.

I don't know what I want from this site. Maybe just a listening ear. Help me someone?

I have edited post due to being a little too graphic.  Please remember that we do have some kids and teenagers that post & read here and could become influenced by something that we write.  Thank you....Elisha

Post Edited By Moderator (els) : 4/18/2006 6:51:29 AM (GMT-6)

Posted 4/18/2006 1:51 AM (GMT 0)
Hi there.  I really don't know what to say to you as I'm not that great with words but your post sounded so sad.  All I can say is I wonder if you have any hobbies you enjoy because I think you could meet some great people through this and you'd be doing something for yourself also.  I do understand wanting the husband and family but I know and I think you do too that we need to be happy with ourselves and the rest will come.  Big hugs are being sent to you and I hope you find happiness and love that lasts a lifetime.  There is somebody out there who is perfect for you :-)
Posted 4/18/2006 2:07 AM (GMT 0)
Thank you Softy. I'm in a place right now where any words of consolation help. This one's just taken the wind out of me. While I have always been emotional, past few years I have really fought with circumstances and refused to bow down to them. I'm not just being depressive for want of anything better to do. I just feel that overtime things have gone wrong so often that my ability to deal with them has successively diminished. And now ... now I just cannot carry on. Good things do happen to me I don;t deny that. But the bad ones are so frequent and so serious, they just negate the good ones.

I've been praying furiously for twp days . I do pray every night otherwise also. But I am upset with God for not listening to me. What hurts me most is that I am unable to do anything for the wonderful ppl that my parents are to make them happy. I try to be happy for their sake but this time I have been unable to even hide things from them. I feel sick for not being able to send them back any money.

And more than anything else, I feel so scared that I will forever be alone.

I want to snap out of this, I really do. But I'm not being able to.
Posted 4/18/2006 3:41 AM (GMT 0)
Hi Tamanna,
What a lovely name you have,
There's definitely a lot of things that are not easily solved in your life at the moment, i think you need to work out a plan of what attention needs are a priority and those that are less so, and deal with those that are a priority, and only those that can be solved,

it's not going to be easy, your man is leaving, so you have to accept that, and begin to deal with some of the other issues, at least these may have a positive outcome if you attend to them, if you focus on what can't be and forget what can be in other area's of your life, then the problems will just continue to build up,

The financial Debt's can be sorted, so sort out those priorities, rent, electricity, travel to work and food etc, the other stuff can be put off, explain to them that you are having trouble paying, sure they may try to make you feel guilty or feel that you are in trouble but the fact is, if you havent got the money, then how are they going to get it, out of you, but once you have explained, make payments when you can

There's another side to not having someone to lean on, you get to learn about you, make it a time to learn about being alone for a while, enjoy it, make a mess, turn the stereo up, do stuff for you, and only you, learn yoga, or meditation, tai chi, write,
Hope this helps you some, keep posting and let us know how you get on
Posted 4/18/2006 8:46 AM (GMT 0)
i suggest physical activity, maybe aerobics might be able to lift your spirits up, i used to do it when i was feeling down and it always lifted my spirits. otherwise try walking while listening to the radio.

with regards to your love life don't worry you will find the right man but it needs time focus on your inner-self and feel good about your self and it will become possible.

try and make some friends i think that will help as well, sometimes all you need is a listening ear.

good luck to you
Posted 4/18/2006 1:08 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Tamanna,  I wanted to welcome you to Healing Well forum.  We are happy to have you and try to help in anyway possible.  There are some wonderful people here that are always willing to help and lend support no matter what they have going on in their own lives.  I do hope you stick around. I wondered if you have ever been seen by a psychiatrist or counselor for depression?  Your two posts just scream it.  A lot of what you posted are things that happen to all of us at sometime in our lives and sometimes it happens all at once like it has with you.  It can be extremely overwhelming and when you have so many things to worry about that your thinking is a priority it can lead to a serious depression.  I would suggest seeking out some counseling, so you can have someone to talk through these feeling with.  Secondly, maybe if you have a primary care doctor you can make an appointment and speak to them about how you have been feeling and seek out an antidepressant to help you through this difficult time.  Some people only take them for 6-8 months or so then ween off after their situations have improved.  As brownleaf stated financial debt can be sorted out.  We here have a saying for this sort of thing...you cant get blood out of a turnip.  Creditors calling and sending threatening mail can be extremely depressing but there are agencies out there that can help with this.  Such as Consumer Debt Counseling, I went through it myself about 5 years ago.  There are many other options you can find online and these agencies if you decide to go with one will get the calls and mail to stop.  In the meantime we are here for you...keep posting. Take care
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