A letter I am too scared to send

Thank you Lyn,  I love ya sis I have been in counseling this time around for almost 10 months.  My last appointment was Thursday, I have mentioned all this to him but I dont believe that it really hit it before Thurs how effected by these issues I am.  I was hooked up with my Psychiatrist by my PCP who in turn said he believed that I needed additional counseling other than what he does every month.  They are really great but I havent entirely trusted my therapist to understand my feelings on this.  Fortunately he was very receptive and said that we are going to concentrate on these issues and bumped me back up to every other week sessions.  I think it was when I said that I felt like standing with a sign that reads "child molester" across from my ex-stepfathers home and also wanting to knock on his neighbors doors and tell them to watch out for him.  He did say that I had become an activist of sorts with my letter writing and e-mails to our government (for all the good it does).  I dont really look at it that way, I think I needed something to channel all that anger into.  Shy, you beat yourself too much over not telling.  You were a child hurt and scared which is what these men want to create.  They prey on children that are not going to tell and they know if they will be able to have power over them.  I would be very surprised if he has not been reported from another child who perhaps told their mother or family friend.  If your relationship with your mom was better when you were a kid you may of felt safe telling her but from what you have written it seems that you felt very much alone.  It is a terrible burden to carry with you everyday but the responsibility was not yours.  Much love...  

Your right... I know I would never get up the guts to do that anyway.  The last time I went home to Kansas City I drove by his house and just parked outside across the street.  I was too afraid to even get out of the car, I don't know what my purpose was in doing that...it was like some evil twin took over my body and made me do it.  I had a panic attack sitting there picturing him coming in and out of that house everyday as if he shouldn't be behind bars and nothing has ever happened.  I have to tell myself (and somewhere I know this) that it isn't up to me to punish him.  It is difficult to live with the fact that I am forever changed, I had no childhood, I have these horrific images in my head that wont ever go away, I am terrified of relationships and men and it is all because of this one person.   The "system" that is supposed to protect children didn't and doesn't.  I would of done the same as you with the letters.  Here in Missouri we are supposed to be notified of sex offenders that live near us but never have I received notification of this.  From family watch dog I was able to find that there are 3 men convicted of Rape, one of assault and 4 child sex offenders that live within 2 miles from my home.  2 of the men convicted of rape live down the street from me.  Since I found this out I have stopped walking at night and started to carry pepper spray with me when I do walk.  I probably would be 10 worse if I had kids...