Obsession with a guy...depression...

First of all, I'm new here and to message boards in general, so: I'm 17 yrs old and have been depressed for as long as I can remember, but it's gotten way worse recently. I'm really scared to depend on people for things, even though I see a doctor to talk about my problems, so even posting on here is scary for me, because I feel I'm asking too much of people even to read this and respond and care.

 

I've had a huge crush on a guy in one of my classes for months now, and I can't stop thinking about him. I called him a few nights ago and he didn't call back, and I completely broke down, even though I found out later he just forgot. I have friends but I'm not as close with them as I'd like to be because I'm scared to tell them things. I'm scared they will realize how much I need them. But the fact that this guy probably doesn't feel the same way about me hurts more than anything else I've experienced in my life, but it's also the fact that I don't feel like there's anyone I can fall back on. (My family is really supportive but it's not the same.)

 

I feel extremely alone and binge on food to feel better. I do other things to sedate myself extremely frequently but I can't say what they are on here. My doc tells me not to but it's soooo tempting. I haven't gained much weight but it's only a matter of time and that will only make me feel worse because I'm obsessed with how I look.

 

I'm also really bad at expressing the intensity of my pain, but I'm guessing most of you would understand how bad it is. It's constantly weighing on me, inhibiting my animation, buffering the effects of any possible good thing. It's like living in a bubble, but not the kind of bubble where you're sheltered from things, the kind where you're constantly bombarded with things that make you feel like you are not worth being alive, interacting with other people, taking up space. That sentiment comes from me, I realize that, not from others, but it doesn't make it easier to get rid of.

 

Another thing, I told this girl who is supposed to be one of my best friends that I am going on meds and she was like, "Why?" I said, "Because I'm clinically depressed." She just smirked and said, "No you're not" really dismissively, and then turned and started talking to another girl about something else. It was so incredibly painful.

 

I used to be a ridiculously good student, kind of an overachiever, which was just a way to distract myself from the fact that I wanted friends and a boyfriend. I definitely don't want to go back to that extreme, but I'm at the other end of the spectrum now because I haven't been able to do my homework for weeks. I always just end up crying. But then that's what I end up doing whenever I'm alone.

 

I really want this guy to know how depressed I am, just so I could get pity from him, some kind of affection from him.

 

Like I said I feel really vulnerable just posting this, but I just want to hear from people who can identify with this and who have something to say that is affectionate and encouraging, unlike my so-called "friend." Ughhh...this sucks so much :(

hi lindz. I'm marla. I'll be 15 in about 3 weeks. I've been depressed since november of 2004, just recently I've gone from mild to severe depression, and also was diagnosed with a severe anxiety disorder. I feel vulnerable all the time too. Just by joining this I wondered if it could help...but I realize people do care, and even the internet can be of some assistance.

I understand how you feel about the guy. A lot. I think the main trigger for the severe episode was when me and my boyfriend broke up at the end of January. I thought I loved him, and since I was already depressed I depended solely upon him to make me feel like i was worthwhile and beautiful. He broke up with me on aol, and I took it as him telling me that I wasnt good enough. After that I began cutting myself, I stopped eating, i lost about 10 pounds. I understand you feeling like this guy is the only thing that could make you feel happy...but i've learned from experience that you're the only person that can truly make yourself happy. I'm still working really hard to be happy myself. It's really difficult and there are times when i feel like i'm the worst person in the world, but i'm getting better at dealing with those thoughts.

I just wanted to let you know that this guy isnt worth you being miserable. Sometimes I still really miss my ex-boyfriend...but then I just realize i dont miss him (he was a jerk! he broke up with me on aim!) i just miss feeling good enough. so the sooner i can feel good enough about myself...the easier itll be to be happy.


good luck
marla

Hi Lindz,  Thanks for replying back and clarifying somethings.  Sometimes it is so easy to draw conclusions from the smallest little thing and it isn't always correct.  I understand what you mean about checking yourself out in the mirror at all different angles...I do this to and have since high school (I'm 32 now).  I was a cheerleader for 3 years and worried that my legs were to chubby or my stomach hung out over my skirt and this was really when I first started to notice doing this.  I didn't even go out for the team my senior year because of all the stress of it.  I was also on volleyball and track team and quite fit, I can only say this now as I know that what the real problem was for me was Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.  I still struggle with it daily, picking out clothes to wear everyday is difficult and shopping is a chore.  Also, eating is something that I struggle with, I am always concerned with calories, fat and carbs.  I am much better on my antidepressant and an anti-anxiety medication.  The only thing I can say is there is no such thing as perfect, just try to make yourself happy. It also took me a while to realize that seldom would I ever get the kind of response or feedback that I needed or expected out of a guy.  And teenage boys are in a whole different class of their own.  Have a wonderful time on your date....

Thanks ShynSassy, yeah I didn't really think that could be the basis for a meaningful relationship, but I just wanted a hug, or a kiss, or just like a couple hours alone with him. But I don't even know if any of that is possible.

Unfortunately on my date I realized I don't think of this other guy as more than a friend :( I really wanted to like him because I definitely have more of a chance with him but you can't force it if it's not there.

I started taking medicine yesterday and I really hope it makes things better for me, but I wish most that the guy I like would just realize he likes me because that would also solve a lot of my problems. I don't like feeling this obsessed and I wish I could move on, but there is no one else I want and I need someone, even if right now he's mostly just a fantasy, because otherwise I'll feel totally alone.

My doctor says that while I don't have OCD, I am obsessive and compulsive. I can honestly spend hours staring at myself in the mirror or taking pictures of myself with a digital camera. I realize it's a complete waste of time but I can't help it, I have to know what I look like from every angle. One unflattering picture can completely change what you thought you looked like.

Post Edited (Lindz0989) : 5/1/2006 10:00:26 PM (GMT-6)

Hi Lindz,I'm an old man (49) and i've been depressed since i was 13. I'm glad you know you are depressed and are getting help now. I was depressed for years but didn't know I was depressed.  I just thought I was inadequit or somthing was wrong with me as a person. I thought I was a bad person. I would tell my family that I felt depressed and they would just say "you have to just snap out of it". Damm I hate that response.  Once my father had migrains for a week so I got my revenge. I said "dad, you have to just snap out of it" while he was lying on the couch holding his head.  Anyway, I'm glad you are here and I wish the best for you.  Please be careful with your eating habits.  An eating disorder can be as deadly as drug addiction.  Please talk to your Dr about it and be very honest.

Good luck,

Jim

Thanks Freeloader, my parents have tried to be pretty receptive but only recently have they really understood how bad it is. That's also because I hid some things from them. But I've told them about the drinking. They're more concerned, I think they're really worried and I feel bad about that, but at least they know how bad it is now. Over the last couple days I've really cleaned up my eating habits though, I've been eating really well and I'm gonna try to keep it up as long as possible.

Hi Judi, yeah some of my friends are really sympathetic but the friend I mentioned earlier, who somehow has become the central friend in my life, has no clue how to talk to a depressed person. I'm gonna have to try to distance myself from her, because I can tell very soon she will do that to me. Maybe she already started.

When I talk to my friends about the guy I like, it seems like such a possibility because it's proof that the situation is real, but I can't help but wonder if I'm just giving myself false hope. It kills me that he might not feel like this about me. I really, really like him...I've never liked anyone this way.