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more of a shell than a person

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Posted 5/10/2006 10:31 AM (GMT 0)
  I do not know if i am writting this more for myself or if i am searching out others who feel the way that i do.  I have 4 children but i know most of the time i am putting on a happy face to make them feel good themselves,  i see them smile so i know it works, but inside i sometimes wonder will these feelings of never being good enough or not having enough energy most of the time to do things they want will ever go away.  I have had problems with deppression since 11 even then i knew i did not belong here or anywhere and when i had my kids i figured that i would have unconditional love from them and it would make me  feel better.  I love my kids more than the whole world but i do not feel whole.  This deppresion comes and goes, but most of the time it is still here, but i hide it real well.

  I have often wondered of life and why i am here and the only reason i have found is so i can have my children and make them something,  but why did god make me this way,  why let me bring kids into this world when i am not worth being here myself.  I have thought many times if i had someone i would trust to take care of them i would not be here any longer,  but in the end it is just me there is no one i trust for them,  but did god have me have them so that i would stay longer?  I never thought i would live to be this old now,  i am 33 and allways thought i would be dead before my teenage years were over.  I cannot sleep most nights so i am alone all night and durring the day sometimes i am ready to go nuts,  now i have a minor heart problem with paplatations so now the doctor says anxiety does it ever end what is my next diagnosis?  I know i am not the only one who feels so down inside that wonders how they can go on,  but maybe i am trying to reach out to others so they can help me or maybe i can help them by them knowing they are not the only ones.   It is hard to know even though you have love around you,  that you still feel so alone and that no one understands no one i know feels the same and that if i tell anyone that they will think poor me so i put on a happy face and i can act like all is good and that i have no care in the world,  but inside i hurt so much i hate myself i do not want to be here but now i have no choice but to stay because i have to take care of my kids so regardless of me they have a life,  i know i must go to the side until they are old enough and on thier own to be someone and hopefully for me and them they do not follow in my footsteps.   They deserve happiness where i can remember so little in my life,  with no one willing to care about me and besides my kids no one really does the only time anyone cares besides my kids is when they want something from me.   I do not want this i do not want to be the way i am and someday, even though it has been 22 years i hope it will get better and go away,  even meds have not helped and i have been on so many in the past that i gave up.   well sorry for making this so long but i have been upset and feeling down and with no one to talk to i wanted to get this all out where my kids will never see any of what i say.

thank you   tracy

Posted 5/10/2006 12:35 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Tracy,
i like long posts, gives me something to read and helps fill in the spaces so i can understand a little better, so don't be sorry about how long it is, oh and welcome to HW, i love it here, great people, lots of different opinions and struggles, but all pretty much have a good story to tell about coming here.

Reaching out for understanding and also being involved in understanding others is what these forums are all about and hopefully we have a bit of fun too, i came to HW for a pain issue, and ended up posting in A/P, because i suffered anxiety partly due to the pain, as i also have a little depression at times, but nothing in comparrison to many here, but in those moments of continuos pain, coming here and sharing my thoughts and hopefully helping others, i forget everything else, and i have healed a lot since ,

I like to think that those with these conditions are messengers, natures way of telling the world where we have gone wrong, and what a great purpose that is, and what a great value you are because of that, of course it may not make you feel better but it offers something to think about, and getting involved, be it here or in some other way, will make your suffering less,

Maybe it could be a positive idea to try and get your kids involved in something you all could get pleasure out of, and teach them right at the same time, i don't know, doing something once a month or so, like going to the zoo "i don't like but they have a purpose", an art gallery or museum, doing something thats about the environment, ie plant some trees, take them out to a farm for a visit, stuff like that, gives you a break, they learn something good, and you're doing something positive too

hope you come visit us, at times or a lot, and hey go and have a look at the positive threads here and happy on A/P,
take care of yourself
Posted 5/10/2006 1:42 PM (GMT 0)
dear traceymgolden,

I understand your pain, its very clear you need to see a doctor for your deppresion, and that will help you get normal, i had your symptoms too like putting on a smile too my co-workers at work, and not wanting to live , my purpose in life , etc i used to cry at night and wish i didn't exist, what made sure i would stay and continue my life was GOD. i don't know what kind of faith your on, but what ever try to get closer to GOD and that will help a little.

Tracey be strong you are still 33, that is nothing of what is going to come, hopefully you will become a grandmother one day and you will see your grandchildren, life has a lot to offer maybe you can find a b/f or even another husbend, if you work find someone there.
Posted 5/10/2006 3:28 PM (GMT 0)
Hi tracy,  I wanted to welcome you to healing well forum.  I am glad that you found us and are comfortable with sharing your experiences with everyone.  It isn't easy I know.  I do hope you continue to post and visit the other forums that it offers as they may also be beneficial for you.  Take care ~ Elisha
Posted 5/10/2006 4:44 PM (GMT 0)
Tracy, I'm knew here as well you have your cjildren and have to hold on to that for now normally  I do find when I'm ready to give up something else comes up maybe not huge but something to give it another day.  Purpose and meaning in life aren't always easy to see nor necessarily self gratifying it's often built in to the relationships we share, the lessons we learn or teach.  I also suffer depression/anxiety.  They seem to go together no heart palps in ages and I haven't had a full blown panic attack in two years.  There is a reason even for this it's just hard to see for you right now.
Posted 5/11/2006 1:10 AM (GMT 0)
Tracy:  I have been fighting major depression for about 5 years now.  Prior to that I had a milder form or "regular" depression.  I believe I have also suffered from this since I was a kid.  (I am 38 years old now).

I really identified with your feelings.  When I met my therapist today I described my "shell" feelings too.  More times than I can even remember, I have wished that I would not wake up in the morning and/or wondered why am I here?  What is my purpose?  I still do not have answers for all of these (outside of my 2 daughters).

But there is one small lesson that I have learned.  People who are in pain can truly sympathize/empathize with others that are in pain also.  Granted there are many different types and levels of pain, major depression vs. cancer or leukemia or old age, etc....

I have personally found fulfillment and purpose on the occasions that I have put myself out there to help someone else in need.  I found that for a brief period of time I wasn't lost in myself.  I felt good and productive & needed.

I hope someday to actually feel like I belong and to truly FEEL what it is to be happy and to enjoy life.  I guess only time will tell.  But in the meantime, I am going to try to find my own ways to make small contributions because I feel that no matter how bad things get or feel for us --there is usually someone else out there that has it worse.  And maybe if we each helped each other that someday it would truly make a difference.

I'm sorry...I know I sound a lot like Pollyanna looking for that silver lining...but I am trying to find some hope or meaning that will help pull me out of this black pit once and for all!

Good luck in your quest. 

Cass

 

Posted 5/11/2006 12:10 PM (GMT 0)
Hi CassandraLee,  I wanted to welcome you to Healing Well forum.  We are glad to have you.  Don't worry about sounding like a Pollyanna at all...I sometimes worry about the same thing with myself..lol!  Your right about Depression and the best thing I have always found is to be able to give or try to share your knowledge, faith and strengths to someone who is suffering or may need it.  By doing so it also helps to heal us in a way as we are being productive and helpful for others.  Okay now I sound like the Pollyanna tongue !  I do hope you continue to post here, this is a wonderful site with many great people.  I am looking forward to hearing more from you.  Take care ~ Elisha
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