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Living your life after depression??

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Depression
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Posted 5/14/2006 3:26 AM (GMT 0)
Hi, Group. I was wondering if anyone has experienced what I am right now. Here is my story. I have suffered from cycles of depression sense I was a teenager.. well actually I believe it could be a mild form of bi-polar mostly because it comes in patterns... every few months I will get depressed.. then I will feel happy.. then a few months later depressed. But I was never diagnosed & I self medicated (first through drinking & drugs) using st. johns wart & it really worked for me. I guess I convinced my self that I was ok.

Anyhow I havn't had any symptoms of depression sence last summer.. it will be a year in July. While I am not in the angony that is depression right now it still rules my life. I am not "happy".  I guess I am content because I'm no longer miserable either & I don't cut myself anylonger or have thoughts of sucide. I guess I can "function" now but depression.. or rather the fear of depression... still rules my life.

I will do anything it takes to avoid the agony of depression... even run away from happiness. I guess some of us have triggers(mine are failure & toxic relationships) & I am terrified that if I try & fail or fall in love & get my heart broken or find a great job & loose it... that I will fall back into the agony of depression. I am prone to depression and can not get "the blues" like normal people to experience the normal ups and downs of life... I don't become "unhappy" when sad life situations come up.. I move right into a horrific stage of prolonged (sometimes I will be depressed for months or a year or more over a single event) depression.  This is preventing me from moving on with my life. I feel like I can't make myself happy in the fear that the loss of that happines will lead me back into my manic, self hating, self abusing, depressed self... and that is a dark hole that I never want to enter agian. I am keeping myself content by not going after something I could loose or fail at. I guess I have just been conditioned to expect the other shoe to drop.. because it always has. I had a traumatic horrific childhood & a not so wonderful adult life... I believe all of these issues have to due with childhood abuse & I have been meaning to go see a professional but lack of insurence, a fear of being "crazy", and denial has kept me away from doctors. I guess I was just wondering if it is "normal" to avoid happiness in an attempt to avoid depression??

Posted 5/14/2006 3:51 AM (GMT 0)
Hi Ya,
i think its normal to avoid, anything that is painful for you, but while it may keep the wolves at bay for a while, i think too that if you are going to experience this pain again, then it will happen either way,
if you avoid relationships, then you feel lonely, which will may lead you to fall again, not having a good job because of your fear, may lead to severe boredom and self worth issues,

with your failure, try to see something positive in it, and there always is something, and choose to focus on that, you may have to run the positive thought along side the negative for a while, try using some short affirmation, ie I am ..........., 3 words and no more, and say it over and over in your mind,

Define what you want in your relationships, and look for that, instead of falling for what looks or seems good, ask, what you really want, see the patterns in you and your past relationships, and don't buy into them again

Theres no point in being afraid to see a therapist, about your childhood, you either want the fear or you don't, if you dont then challenge it, every time, so please do go see someone, theres Churches that offer this and perhaps other organisations where the cost is not so great

i hope this helps
Posted 5/14/2006 8:48 PM (GMT 0)
it sounds like you are creating emotional shields, to avoid getting your heart broken and hurt, and ur building shields around you to protect yourself from getting hurt. But, the thing is, those shields are the same things that are going to HURT YOU. You're going to feel lonely and depressed. Life is all about up and down emotions, (just not sudden ones) to have a good feeling, you will have to risk losing that good feeling later.

My friend was sick of girls breaking his heart, so he created shields to protect him, and he even said that the same shields he build to protect himself, were the ones that were hurting him. Now he is lonely and all alone.
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