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Posted 6/25/2006 12:16 PM (GMT 0)
Don't even think about me.
Harsh words right? Harsher feelings.. I think. I get into these moods,sometimes more often than none.
I came home Friday after a semi bad day at work,with all of my personal problems flooding my brain. And my b/f took the heat. I could not even talk to him. I wanted to scream,I wanted to cry. I was so angry and frustrated inside that I was having a hard time controlling myself.
He wanted to go to his brothers party Friday night. I refused. He wanted to go to the lake this weekend (like we do every weekend)I refused.
I ended up being alone all weekend,and dealing with my demons. I cried,I got angry,I screamed.
I do not know what set me off.
I have been working alot of overtime this week,and then of course the housework just sat there. I have a disorder to where I want the house spotless at all times. Could that have just been it?
Am I going to ruin my relationship because I get into the "don't" moods?
I struggle so hard every day to keep my past in the past. To try not to relate my past to my b/f.
I wonder if I will ever get over being raped at 12,being mentally and physically abused for 13 years,not having a mom around when I needed her. Having nothing to do with my dad.
Trying to reach out to my family only to have them ignore me. My kids living with their dad,and me feeling like I am loosing touch with them now that they are 18 and 16.
So many thoughts,it jumbles my brain at times and I cannot focus on the good things that have happened in my life.
Someone who has not been through any of these things will say, "don't dwell on the past".
So easy to say so hard to live..
Posted 6/25/2006 11:34 PM (GMT 0)
I guess the big problem is whenever we try to run or hide from our past, it has a very nasty habit of catching up and forcing us to remember it. Perhaps the only way to deal with it all is to face it head-on if we can, with as much support as we can get. There are probably some people here who have had similar experiences, and everyone's very supportive. I hope you feel better soon.
Posted 6/25/2006 11:38 PM (GMT 0)
I also want the house spotless all the time. I think it has a lot to do with depression and wanting something that we can control, when the world and our minds are full of chaos and conflict (either from anxiety or depression). I think wanting to have the house clean all the time, might have something more to do with (mild) OCD and anxiety. When I had roommates, I would get so stressed when I would see dishes laying in the sink and would get mad at them..and tell them to please put their dishes in the dishwaster...then it would turn into a full fledged argument and someone would get angry and we would end up yelling and slamming doors. It was awful. I used to call my ex a slob because he would throw his towels on the floor...or anywhere..but the hamper. Again..the fights. I was also working long hours and feeling overwhelmed and I guess it would break the straw on camels back when I would come home to a unkempt and unorganized house...after I had worked so hard to clean it before I went to work. I think this is why I live alone..I get to keep the house neat and clean...lol..no one to mess it up. I think the Remeron and Klonopin has been really helping me in this aspect..I used to vacuum four to five times a week, and have gone down to once a week...
Posted 6/26/2006 4:56 AM (GMT 0)
Hi Shy, I do know how you feel, i get those angry things going on inside alot, and they are hard to deal with, but....youre right, its hard to forget the past when its so traumatizing. Rape, abuse-mental and physical, my family, people telling me its all in my head, there are many things. I think, or i hope, that its normal for that to happen once in awhile, but......i do have more control lately. meditation has helped, being here and having people that understand has helped, and i know its annoying to hear, dont dwell on the past, but for someone who has a dramatic past, i still try to tell myself that, it was mentioned in a post on a/p about repeating things over and over to yourself, even if you think it wont help, and there is something about the repetetive saying of things, makes it kinda easier to believe, does that make sense? Im sorry i bet it does make it hard on a relationship, i wish you the best.
shell
Posted 6/26/2006 10:32 AM (GMT 0)
hi ShynSassy,

Have you tried medical help? I sense you get angry sometimes and crying sometimes, it realy sounds like bipolar deppresion. if the doctor treating you didn't notice this try talking to him and maybe it's better to talk to another doctor or psycaiatrist . Try another doctor, remember if you do things that bother people or such that is mania and crying is deppresion. They are the opposite for each other.

If you get diagnosed as bi-polar don't worry there is good medicines that can help you live a normal productive life. i got diagnosed as bipolar deppression and i am doing fine now, but i have to take 7 medicines 2 times of day, and they are a little expensive :(

ShynSassy, I wish you the best of luck :)
Posted 6/27/2006 11:54 AM (GMT 0)
I was on meds for about 6 years for chronic depression. I stopped taking them a year ago. Am not sure that was the right decision but I was addicted to them and hated that feeling.
Plus I do not have insurance and can not afford to pay for the meds without it.
Posted 6/27/2006 1:16 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Shy,  Just if you ever do decide to consider an antidepressant again, the drug companies have put in place programs for people who don't have insurance can get their meds at reduced costs or even free. If you wanted to go that route and just try one med...
Posted 6/27/2006 11:18 PM (GMT 0)
Thanks Elisha,I have heard about that..and am considering it. I know I should not wait until I am at the deep end,but also my b/f is highly against it since I was so addicted to them... I know it is my decision and he will just have to live with it..but it is something to consider.
Posted 6/28/2006 1:17 AM (GMT 0)
hay... u sound so stressed and inoyed.

i know it helps to just write everything that your feeling down, and get it out. i hope it did.

maybe u neeeded a break from the routine?

or some time on our own?

Posted 6/29/2006 12:12 PM (GMT 0)
Yes I agree,I do need meds. I am working on that as we speak.
And I think this weekend was a total meltdown.Nothing would have made me happy I do not think.
I did need to be left alone.
It is funny as I was mad at him for not calling me at least. And the longer he was gone the more mad I got.
Then after not speaking to him for a day we finally sat down.And he made his points...GRRRRRR He was so right in just leaving. I had told him awhile ago that if I say"just leave me alone" then that means leave me alone. There have been several times when I first moved here that I needed to be left alone and cry. I went into the basement and shut the door and bawled,but he was worried about me and came down there to try to figure out what is going on. It made the situation worse. And he decided that if I say I need my space then he is going to give it to me. He was worried about calling as he did not want to intrude on my meltdown persay.
Then he flashed his big blue eyes at me and told me that he loved me and that I need to trust him and try harder to let him in. I understand that,but I also reminded him that since I was 12 yrs old I had to learn the hard way not to let anyone in. And it became worse when I was married. You can not take a lifetime of hard life and have it just disappear. It just does not work that way.
And while we are on that subject,the next not depressed person that says to me "just get over the past" is going to make me scream!!!! they have no idea how hard we try to get over the past. How hard we try not to let people see how we really feel. And,maybe I am being harsh here,but those people that say that I do not think they would ever be able to get over the past if they had to live some of the lives that we all have lived.
Sometimes I wonder if the people that have seen hard times in their lives,and have bouts with depression due to that,I think are stronger than the ones that have not had to deal with anyone of that. We know how to survive.
Posted 6/29/2006 3:47 PM (GMT 0)
It sounds like you resolved some issues at least and that is what counts.  Your right...you have had years of building walls, learning how to protect yourself on the inside because you couldn't do it on the outside.  So just because you may be in a "safe" environment now it is still going to take a long time and a lot of hard work for you to be able to let your guard down.  You may not even recognize your doing it as it is so ingrained within you.  I still do too, whenever there is yelling or I see a man who resembles "him" or I'm walking and a car slows down, I may not be paying attention to what is going on but my mind and body know and that is when it hits panic mode.  It has become so ingrained to protect itself.  Counseling helps some, but by far it is my antidepressant that keeps me together.  I agree with you 200% on anyone who says "get over it" or "they cant hurt you anymore".  That doesn't matter because the damage has already been done and if that person has been in my shoes and lived my life or lived your life Shy then they really need to not be saying those things.  My ex husband used to say stuff like that to me, I don't think he was trying to be insensitive but I know that there was no way he could ever possibly understand what I had went through or what I was feeling.  So I stopped talking to him about it and it was one of the things that came in-between us as my torment built up and I couldn't control it or my thoughts and feelings.  When you tell someone something like what you went through, then to have them say something like that it is almost like it is like they have a total disregard for your feelings and the amount of trust that you put in them by telling them something so personal.
Posted 6/30/2006 12:46 AM (GMT 0)
It is so easy to shut someone out isnt it? And you do not even realizing you are doing it sometimes.
Maybe someday Elisha we will both be able to go a week and then a month and then years before the thoughts enter our minds...I keep hope for that!
Posted 6/30/2006 10:14 AM (GMT 0)
i think that maybe you are overworking yourself and that you are venting this on your relationship and bf! why dnt you take some time off, relax a bit, try to make him part of your life... the more you run away like that the worse you'll feel.
Posted 6/30/2006 10:18 AM (GMT 0)
I keep hope for that too Shy...everyday
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