This can not be healthy

I have to admit something. Each day I read the Newspaper online for the city I just moved from.
I am more interested in the Obits. Reading them everyday (and looking at past days if I miss a day) to see one name. It has been going on since I was about 18. I have not seen his name yet,I am dissappointed when I don't.When I see the last name, and it is a relative of his I am more dissappointed.
It is the man that molested me when I was a child. He is old... very old now....and I keep thinking that it will happen soon. I have plans for when he does die. I plan on going to the funeral...just to see him lying there knowing he can not hurt anyone else. To me that will be my closure.. I have daydreams of standing up when they are saying how great he is and telling everyone why he is not great,why he is in fact satan himself. I do not know if I will be able to do that,when in reality I will probably be overcome with fear,even though he will be dead.
I know this can not be healthy. I am worried that after all of these years of waiting for that day I will not have closure,I am afraid that it will open all of those wounds.
Sometimes I think I might be demented for thinking such thoughts.

I know exactly how you feel. I found myself looking him up on the internet the other day as I don't know where he is now. Of course, I didint find anything about him but afterwards I thought 'oh my god, im going mad'. I sometimes wish I could forget my past but its with me every day. I scare myself thinking about it and it all makes me so angry becasue all that is the cause of my anxiety and depression.
Sorry for venting

Victoria

Shy,
I'm not really sure where to start or even if I'll get all I want to say to you across. Looking in the papers everyday I don't think is that bad a thing. If I didn't know where my "Him" was every minute of my life I may have done the same thing. What bothers me most is what you said about having a plan to go to his funeral. REALLY BAD IDEA in my opinion. I can totally understand your need for closure. I just want to warn you as strongly as I can that this has a very good shot of blowing up in your face. I had not only the chance to go to the funeral, but I actually watched him die. No, I didn't do it. He was a very close family member and we were all called to the hospital that day. On my way home that night, after hours at the hospital with grieving family, I stopped for a drink. I was just about to get out of the car when it hit me that he was really gone. I sat in my car crying for like two hours. Even though my abuse went on for many, many years, when I was older I never confronted him about it. I was too crushed. I decided to tell him what I thought at the funeral. I started the day by throwing up in the parking lot of the church. I was a wreak. I just sat there bawling like a baby during the service. When people started taking turns saying how great a man he was I totally lost it and started laughing hystericly. I was removed from the church and asked to not come back. Something inside me just snapped when he died. I thought I would feel better. I thought it would be closure. Niether happened. Now, two years later, I still have this gapping wound from my abuse. It's like it happened yesterday. And my father still won't speak to me because of the funeral. I was at a good place in my life when 'he'died. Now my life has turned to crap. My D and possibly BP have totally gotten away from me and I'm not sure I can get it back under control. I don't know what else to say. PLEASE. PLEASE think long and hard about your plans to attend the funeral when it happens. Talk to a theripist talk to anyone. There has to be another way to get closure. If I find it in the mean time I'll let you know what it is. Please take care of yourself.
BrodyDog

Hi Shy,  I know you were just sharing your thoughts with us and how this man person has screwed up your thinking to certian points.  After I read your post yesterday and was done with everything, I went for a small walk and it dawned on me that we can never inflict even close to the same amount of tears and pain that our attackers have inflicted up us.  That would be alive or dead.  They dont think like normal people do and have regret for their actions or feel bad for causing that kind of pain upon someone.  So, while going to his funeral when he does die and telling everyone that he is a child rapist may may give you some relief from your pain in the moment by releasing what has been pent up for all those years, I'm not too sure it would help in the long run.  Or with the direct feelings that you have regarding him.  Especially if he is already dead.  But I do understand as I posted before why you do continue to look and think about it...it is like you cant seem to control yourself and you have to know.