i just needed someone to listen

Hi Michelle Beth,

So sorry to hear how much pain you're feeling. I felt very much like you do now when I was your age. I was depressed with bulimia, and everyone kept telling me I'd get better -- only I didn't really want to. I felt guilty, like you do, about disapointing my parents and having them worry it was their fault. And of course they then bent over backwards to try to "make everything better", and sometimes they snapped in frustration. But, like with you, it wasn't them -- it came from in me. And (again, oh-so-similar) I felt like there were things I "should" be doing. It was a long time before I realised that some of those things at least I simply didn't want to do, that I hadn't found my "niche" at that point.

After I moved out and went to uni, I found that I could do things or be on my own much more as it suited me, and I could take or not take phone calls without explanation and without guilt. I found that I was a great daughter from a distance! I still found it difficult going home: even though the problem was in no way to do with my family, I felt under pressure there to show a happy face so that I didn't make them worried. But as time went on, even that got better. After years of being pretty much forced to have counselling, I finally started cognitive therapy of my own accord (finally I wanted to get better). That was my godsend: it gave me practical ways of dealing with my emotions day-to-day, rather than the endless questioning I had in counselling about my family (which didn't help with the guilt I was feeling about them worrying it was their fault).

Well, I'm 31 now, and have left the bulimia long behind (it was an outlet, I think, for the depression, and the cognitive therapy helped my find better coping strategies). I have been depressed since, but I've got so much better at recognising the signs, and getting help. And, yes, that has involved medication, and yes, at times I have wanted to never take meds again because I thought it was cheating and that I should be able to do things on my own (there's that "should" again...). What I've learned is that in fact it's giving up meds that's not taking control: like if you had cancer and refused treatment. Depression is an illness, and you do need to treat it. I'm not grateful for how much anti-depressants have helped me -- after all, if I'd lived even 100 years ago, I'd probably have been stuck away in an asylum for the rest of my life, rather than living it. I know I have depressive tendencies and am not "cured" as such, but I also go for long periods without the depression creeping in, and without meds.

What I now wish I'd done all those years ago was write my parents a note (since saying it would have been too much), in which I would have told them (in part so that they could re-read the words at certain times when they doubted) that nothing if what I was going through was their fault -- that I knew that and they needed to know that too. I would ask them to try to understand that when I hid myself away it wasn't because I needed comfort (and that oddly that often made things worse, and I couldn't really explain why), but because I needed space and escape. I would have promised that if I ever did want comfort, I would, if I couldn't say this directly) tell them in a note because I knew that they would want to know and would be great at comforting me. (I'd say this last bit even if I was sure I'd never do it -- more to put their minds at ease and therefore stop be worrying so much about their worrying.) And then I'd try to find places I could go and feel calmer -- not places I felt I "should" go, and not with a bunch of other people so that I felt I had to put on a happy face. I've always found that walking by a river makes me feel calmer, but you may well have your own ideas of what might work for you. What I know is that you need a respite from all the worry and you need to feel there's somewhere you can go where you're not hiding and not worried the phone will go: somewhere that you like being, rather than somewhere you withdraw to simply because you can't be in other places.

Please do keep using this board. -- I'll look out for you here: you really do sound a lot like 19 yr old me!! Uncanny.

Take care,
Rosie

dear rosie and els,

thank you so much for listening and caring, it feels good to know that people are there and they understand. rosie what you said about feeling better about things when you were out on your own is something i have thought for a long time too. i always wanted to just have my own little house with my own flowers and my own pets and not have to answer the phone or worry about people talking to me or worrying... to be on my own and to control things my own way.... i think that is one of the most important dreams to me... what i have trouble with now, is how to make that happen... most times i feel like that is just a dream and that it will never come true because the things that i need to do in order for that to happen seem much much too overwhelming and hard... like getting a job, a serious job where i can have insurance and make enough money for rent and bills and/or going to college (i tried a year at college and the only way i think about that experience now is me being a dark dark hole, so i feel like i will never go back) and money and figuring it all out with my parents... just seem so hard... and i feel so dumb when i say it is too hard, because i know that you have to work for the things you want... but for me that just seems so much harder than i think it should... but nevertheless, it does help to think that maybe someday i can be on my own and make things better...

oh and writing a letter to my parents is a very good idea... i will think about doing that and hopefully get enough courage to actually go through with it... i do think that would make me feel better.

another thing, els said that the lexapro should be doing something by 4-6 weeks; i have been on the lexapro 20 mg now for... about 10 weeks... and i just don't know what to think... sometimes i feel like nothing, not any kind of medicine or talking therapy, can change the way my mind is... it is just the way i am and i just feel so convinced that it won't change... and like you said that could be the depression just clouding my view from seeing the other side... i don't really know... that is something that i haven't been able to fully understand about myself and how i see things and how the disease makes you think and what is actually real... anyways, i feel like i just keep going on and on...

but again thank you so much for caring and giving your kind words, it means a lot... i hope that you both are doing well ( :

michele

Hi Michelle,

Elisha and Janet are absolutely right about you joining us here being a sure sign that you *do* want to get better on some level. Oddly, I've just a few moments ago posted on my own version of this. -- I see it as a little "survival instinct" part of me that kicks in and does practical things to help when things get bad, and my conclusion was that everybody here has their own little inner helper thingummy that has done the same for them in even bringing them here. So perhaps congratulate yourself a bit on that significant step.

I can't reinforce enough too what Janet said about your meds. There's a reason why there are so many types and so many different doses available: it sounds to me as if maybe yours isn't quite right yet -- and that's a common enough thing. (It's all a bit hit and miss to begin with, but that's all extra information for your doc that should make him or her make the prescription better next time.)

And, oh, I'm with you on the little house with the garden! Unfortunately I chose a duff profession to make giant leaps there...! Lots of training that led to me getting a loan. I'm still renting :( On the plus side, I now have the job I wanted, the money's beginning to make a real difference, the loan's about a year from being paid off, and my flat's really quite nice -- and was unfurnished so at least I know that I have my own things around me! I always try to locate public gardens and parks near to where I rent so that at least I can go off and enjoy a bit of green somewhere. And of course I have full control of the phone too!!

Sometimes we have to start with real baby steps before we can ring the big changes. Maybe make a list of all the things you'd like -- house, type(s) of job, etc -- and then every day do just one little thing that moves you in that direction (like looking up information about jobs and/or training on the net or in a library -- libraries: hugely underrated: nice and quiet with no phonecalls for you!!). Ever little thing you do will help make the bigger things slightly smaller and more manageable.

And remember that there are always people here who can lend an ear (or bombard you with advice like I seem to be doing! ... I'll shut up now!)

Take care,
Rosie

hi rosie, things are going okay today. it was sweet of you to ask how i am. ( : i got myself to go outside and take a little walk, which is a big thing for me ( : tomorrow i go to my psychiatrist, which makes me nervous, so i've also been thinking and worrying about that a lot today and tonight, but i just have to get past it tomorrow and then it will be okay.

one thing my psychatrist told me to do, was make a list of jobs that i would feel comfortable doing right now. i have decided not to go back to college right now because i don't think i am ready for that again, and my parents won't let me stay at home if i don't get a job... but the idea of a job REALLY scares me... i think it's just the pressure and the people and living up to the expectations and having to do it day after day and waking up early, just seems like A LOT. so i guess i was wondering if anyone has any ideas about jobs that would be good for people with social anxiety and depression... i was thinking like stocking shelves... but even that seems scarey to me... but any suggestions would be good for me to think about if you have any...

i hope that you are doing well ( :

michele

Hi, I know only too well how hard it is to go for a walk but you did it and that is a massive achievement!!!!!!!!!! WELL DONE!!!!
Hope all goes well with the psychiatrist...

Hey Michelle, I have not joined in here because I was on vacation. How did your appointment go and how have you been since then. When I started reading this my first thought is that you do want to get better and that shows because you came here looking for help. Others have posted the same think and I hope you can see that.

I have posted this before but when I was at my lowest I made sure that I did something positive everyday. The thing I did was make my bed. It seems like such a small thing but it was a positive step every day and it allowed me to put one positive step on top of another positive step. I am so impressed that you took a walk!! Keep looking for your answers and keep making at least one positive step, even a small one, every day.

Hi, Michele - glad to hear from you!

The day/night thing may or may not be related to the disease, but I can tell you how my granddaughter deals with something similar. 

She is a couple of years older than you.  She has had her days and nights mixed up most of her life - getting up for school was always hard, as was going to bed and sleeping.  Her internal clock is just different from everybody else's.  She is in her 3rd year of college now - all her classes are late afternoon or evening.  During breaks she finds jobs where she can work at night.  She sleeps during the day and is both active and productive at night.  Children are forced to adapt to the clock and to 'normal' schedules.  As an adult, my granddaughter is able to accomodate her own needs ... I don't know how she'll manage if/when she has children of her own!

I don't know if this will help you - but if nights are better for you, then you certainly are not alone.  Take that insight about yourself and turn it into something good.

  Martha