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Posted 7/23/2006 11:32 PM (GMT 0)
Hi everyone...I have been watching these boards for around a week now and it seems like a good place to go to talk.  I really dont know where to begin... I have had panic attacks since March due to stress at school (I'm going to be a senior in college), with roommates, and with anything else stressful that would pop up.  I recently started an internship where I became more anxious and makes me feel like I'm losing my identity in a way.  Since I started I have gotten depressed and its effecting everyone around me.  Most importantly to me, I feel my relationship with my current boyfriend of almost two years is suffering bc of my current condition.  I was diagnosed with anxiety and depression and have been put on Paxil 12.5 mg around 2-3 weeks ago.  Since the medicine I do feel a little better, but every now and then I will go into a crying fit.  I always end up scaring the people around me and I feel like they can no longer handle me, which I don't blame them.  I do not want to lose my boyfriend or my best friends due to this illness.  Another contributing factor to this situation is that I was raped around two years ago by my boyfriend at the time (different then the one now).  Unfortunatly, I didn't realize that it was rape up until this May when I relived the night in my head, because I desperatly tried to block it out of my memory.  It sounds strange that you would not realize it, but its the truth.  The only people who know are my best friends and my current boyfriend. I do not want to tell my parents.

Sometimes I just feel so alone with everything and I don't know where to turn to. Im going to a psychologist and soon a psychiatrist and its helping so far.  I just want to feel like me again. I feel like everything is falling in a downward spiral and doesnt want to stop. 

I feel like nobody around me really understands what I am going through, so I thought this would be a good place to vent.  Hopefully I am not alone in this feeling.

Thanks For Listening.

Posted 7/24/2006 8:47 AM (GMT 0)
Hello Butterfly,

Welcome to Healing Well. I'm so sorry to hear about what happened to you. I hope that the psychologist is helping although i know it can be a slow progress to start with. Atedogs is right, meds can take anywhere up to a couple of months to kick in so stick with it.
What you have to remember is you are not the only one going through this so please don't feel alone. I can understand the problems you are having with your boyfriend as when we feel this way we tend to take things out on the people closest to us, i know i do.
Have you thought about any rape support groups in your area? It may be good to talk to others about what you went through and hear how they are learning to cope with their experience.
We are always hear to listen at Healing Well and everyone in here is full of support for other members.
I think you are doing really well by seeking the help you are doing. Be proud of yourself.
Take care and god bless
Keep in touch
Victoria
Posted 7/24/2006 11:45 AM (GMT 0)
Hi Butterfly, I also wanted to add my welcome to Healing Well forum.  We are happy to have you.  This is a wonderful site to visit for support, guidance and information.  I too went through an experience similar to what you have described when I was 19.  I had been dating this guy for about a year and he was my "first love" I guess you could say.  It really was an abusive relationship, physically and mentally.  I had been sexually abused as a child so I don’t think I realized that at the time this kind of behavior and actions really weren’t love and healthy for me.  I had never looked at him smacking or hitting me as abuse or any of the other things that happened over the course of our relationship.  It really wasn’t until later, many months after we broke up that it dawned on me that it was.  So, I can see how you would of blocked that traumatic event out of your mind or tried to justify it into something else entirely.  When something like this happens it does change you and your outlook on life and yourself and how you view other people and relationships.  It also greatly reduces any trust that you have for others except for the people that are very close to you.  You have taken some great steps in seeing a therapist, getting on medication and setting up an appointment with a psychiatrist...this is going to help greatly.  Victoria mentioned rape counseling which is an excellent resource...the Rape and Abuse Counseling Center does free counseling with rape survivors as does some local hospitals, so you can check into that if you are interested in doing a group counseling thing. Above all please know that you are not alone, there are many here that are survivors of rape and abuse, I am one of them and do understand well what you are going through.  We are always here....
Posted 7/24/2006 3:34 PM (GMT 0)
I just wanted to thank everyone for their kind words.  I feel like when it comes from people who are going through or have been through what I am talking about it really calms you down.  Today going into work was rough but seeing the posts really made me feel a little better. 

Thanks again, and I look forward to writing more (hopefully good things!) and responding to others.

 

Posted 7/24/2006 3:54 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Butterfly,

I'm glad the posts helped you - we are always here

Take care
Posted 7/24/2006 7:23 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Butterfly,

I've definitely felt similar to you about scaring/burdening friends before, and have more than a touch of that paranoia myself at the moment, *but*, as a friend of mine reminded me the other day, you can always lean on a true friend: that's what friends are for. Talk to your friends and explain as much as you can -- or direct them to information on your anxiety and depression: if by any chance they do run away scared, harsh to say, but you'd be better off without them.

I'm one of the survivors of rape here (wow -- I actually feel quite empowered just saying that). I was probably about the same age as you were, and I have never told my parents. In fact, it was a long time before I told anyone, and an even longer time before I truly understood, rather than just said, that it was rape. The guy who raped me was also someone I thought I could trust -- what I had considered a good friend.

Well, I won't pretend it didn't take a lot of time, and a lot of help to put the rape behind me (including from one brilliant boyfriend, who, though in the end was not "the one" for me, is someone who is truly a friend and who I'd trust with my life). I also know that there are still some residual behaviours that jump up at peculiar moments that definitely lead back to that event. But, while I'd *never* go so far as to say it was a blessing in disguise (far, far from it), I am a stronger person now than I was then, and my experiences (good and bad) have made me what I am and on the whole I'm pretty ok with that!

You mentioned also stress at school. -- I can only begin to imagine! -- School was in no way the "best years of my life". I was a bit of a misfit and was bullied by what I can only describe as a "pack" of girls. Well, I wondered if it would always be like that, but I got to uni and found out that there really were others like me, and I made some great friends. The "pack" look pretty pathetic to me now. That said, I remember the feeling of being in the thick of it... ugh. I don't know what's going on for you, but I hope you can find ways of getting away from it. Well, you can come here for starters!!!

Take care Butterfly, and stay in touch.

Rosie x
Posted 7/24/2006 7:52 PM (GMT 0)
Thank you Rosie..I cant tell you how much it means to hear someone say the words that you are saying. I know that a true friend will be with you throughout it all, i just dont want to burden anyone because I feel like i am always upset and i find myself disguising myself to be happy around them so I dont have to talk about it to them.

More than anything Im concerned about me and my boyfriend. He has treated me better than any guy. he is seriously perfect and I feel like this illness is tearing me away from him and it is the last thing that i want. He was the one thing to always make me feel happy despite everything bad that was happening and now he cant even do it which makes me question things and I hate that and i dont want that. I will cry to him about the rape and other things and he just looks so scared and like he doesnt know what to say and I don't blame him...its got to be so hard on his side too. I just want to get the relationship back on track right now. I feel like that would lift my spirits so much. I know he would never hurt me like *he* did, but Im just always so upset and I dont want to lose him.

Also, its scary how you mention your "pack of girls" in school bc thats exactly my situation lol. but im hoping that since my roommates know what i am going through now it will be like starting over again and we can rebuild our friendships more.

thanks for listening.
Posted 7/24/2006 8:19 PM (GMT 0)
Blimey Butterfly -- I'm now having a small identity crisis: I think that you may actually *be* my younger self (lol)!

The crying is so completely understandable: you need to grieve. The fact that you are grieving is also (though horrible at the time) also to me a sign that you are beginning the process of healing. I was in a state of shock for well over a year after my rape -- never cried. When I finally did, it was like I couldn't stop at times. But when I think about it now, I realise that I couldn't have maintained my "strong" (ahem) silence (otherwise known as emotional blackout!), and I *needed* to mourn in order to stand a chance of moving on. It might even be that the meds *are* helping -- by encouraging this release -- even though I know it feels terrible. We've all hoped that meds would kick in and make us miraculously happy, but the truth is, sometimes there are things we need to feel and deal with that are the real reason for us not being able to be happy. You seem to me to be having real human emotions -- ones I'd expect from anyone after a traumatic experience. I hate to see you hurting, but part of me is relieved for you that you're allowing yourself to show the hurt.

Your boyfriend sounds great. Yes, I'm sure he's bewildered at times -- after all, he must want to help you so much and yet always feel the helplessness of not being able to fix things and make them go away for you. You might just remind him that you know that, and that you just need him to hug you at those times, because *that* really helps you to feel better.

I think you're being very brave: I ran away from the idea of therapy and meds for a long time (beat myself up more by making myself vomit a lot ... bl**dy bulimia!), and wish I'd been as ready to recognise that I needed help earlier. I have slightly sharper survival instincts these days (!), but it sounds to me like yours are pretty sharp already.

Keep in touch: if you want to get things off your chest, just post.

Rosie x
Posted 7/26/2006 7:28 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Butterfly,

How are you doing today?

Rosie x
Posted 7/28/2006 3:00 PM (GMT 0)

i Rosie

THanks for wondering  :-) . Im so so. I feel like the meds are making me go through highs and lows.  Im fine around my family and people at work. But when it comes to my boyfriend, who was always what meant so much to me (and still is), I am terrified of what were going through. I feel like since Ive been on the meds I don't want him touching me or anything. Its really strange and I don't like it. I want my normal feelings to return because thats what is killing me the most. sad

Otherwise, Im doing better. Ive actually cracked quite a few smiles this week. I'm trying to involve myself with more people, that way I don't become anti-social. 

Hope that everything is going well for you

PS i saw your post about the book that is about significant others that have partners who are going through depression...i laughed bc i saw it too and was seriously thinking about purchasing it lol

-B

Posted 7/28/2006 6:22 PM (GMT 0)
Hello lovely Butterfly,

I'm so pleased that you've had some smiles start to creep in! -- that'll help you in itself (knock-on effect).

Don't give yourself too hard a time about how you've been with your bf. From what I've been reading (including in that book!), this is fairly common with depression, seems always to involve those we have been closest to and want to be closest to, and is based on feelings on unworthiness rather than a change in your heart or ability to love. Just tell him you love him and, if the "unworthiness" thing struck a chord, maybe mention that to him too, so that he can begin to understand why you've been like this. I know that when I realised that this may be what's going on in my relationship (or ex relationship ... I hardly know anymore ...), I was better able to distinguish between my ex and his depression, and not to take it so personally.

I'm much better than I was. -- I've actually found that I've had some fun myself. (Could it be catching??!?) I'm so glad to hear from you too. Don't forget that I'm always keen to hear how you're doing, and take care.

Rosie x
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