frustrated,angry ,losing hope

James,
I am so sorry that you are going thru this...when a person id in major depression, the family usually "shares the ride". Have you gotten any counseling of your own to help YOU cope? I remember when I was in major depression...it was awful...dreary and dark...and I felt like I was alone in a huge black ocean, trying to keep my head above water, trying so desperately not to "drown". My dad he just sort of withdrew into all his normal stuff, like reading the paper and watching football, but I saw the worry in his eyes and the concern in his voice. Mama, she was pretty much an open book. She would look at me and say, "Can' you just smile for your MOM?!" I would paste on the fakest smile imaginable and then she'd get mad. I knew that she wasn't really mad at ME, it was the illness. She was desperate to help me be back to normal but helpless to do so. I'd see her cry for me...sometimes she'd withdraw emotionally. Sometimes she'd put on her "tough" mask, like it didn't matter to her either way...but I KNEW. I hated it so bad that they were suffering right along with me, but no matter how much I wanted to make them feel better by getting well, I couldn't. I WANTED to be better for ME and for THEM! It tore my heart apart truly. It may be that your wife feels sort of like I did. But I know this much for sure, you've got to make some time for yourself. Keep on remembering that she doesn't WANT to be this way either. And really, if it was me, I'd tell her something like this: "Honey, I love you with all my heart. I really do. I want you to get better. I hate to know you're going thru this, but you have to keep on trying, as hard as it is, to get better. I know you want to get better too, but you have to listen to your doctors. I'm here for you, but you have to make an effort also....."
James, I don't know if this is appropriate or not as I am not a professional. Maybe you have had this type of talk with her already. But regardless of everything else, you do need to have someone to talk to that can help you cope better as a caregiver. Caregivers get "burn-out". It doesn't mean you don't love your wife, it just means you're human! You need a break from time to time.
I also remember that when I was in the deepest throes of depression that even though I didn't want to do anything or feel like doing anything, I still had to do things. Mom is the sort of personality that she can be a drill sargeant when she wants to be. I know of one lady with bipolar and other mental health issues. She once told me about how she had been in mental facilities before and they made the patients go for walks. They wouldn't let them just curl up in a ball and cover up. I don't know what your wife's doc says or thinks. ...
Take care and know that we all care here, for you and your wife! It is commendable that you've stuck with her. That's what real love is all about!
janet

Hi James,

I'm trying to sort myself out in the face of my depressed ex's sabotage of our relationship (and I really don't mean that nastily, but that's what's happened die to his depression). I'm normally not a one for self-help books, but in my darkest moments I did order a book called "Depression Fallout" (author: Anne Sheffield) off Amazon. It does contain some of the cheese that I balk from with such books, but I'm also really glad I've read it -- put a lot into a more understandable framework, and I now "get" more of my ex's behaviour. It's for partners of depressed people, and I'd really recommend it to you -- a pretty balanced book in terms of reference to "the science bit", psychiatrists views and, importantly, real-life experiences. May not be your bag at all, but as I say, I was skeptical but found it really helpful and feel much calmer now.

My thoughts are with you -- very tough, I know.

Rosie x

Hi James,

Im sorry to hear about what you are going through with your wife, it sounds like a tough time for you both. From her side of things, she probably doesnt realsie what this is doing to you. When people are very depressed, its hard to see things around you because they can pretty much feel stuck in a deep dark hole.
I do think depression is hard for the person who is suffering and the other person helping them through it. My boyfriend used to get so upset and angry that he couldn't do anything to change things or make it better. I got better with his support and I will love him for that forever - he is my rock and I couldn't have got through that awful time without him. I still struggle now but my depression is much better with the help of meds and psychology.
Els made a really good point - is your wife trying to help herself? Is she sticking to her treatment plan?
Have you thought about any counselling yourself to help you cope with all of this? Its is alot for you to cope with I know. You are always welcome to talk to us here, we are always her to listen.
I wish I could offer you more advice James I really do.
Take care and hope to hear again from you soon

Victoria

Thank you all!!and els we dont know what she has exactly as she was supposed to go to a pschiatrist but failed to do the follow up appointment ..she did see him and he put her back on effexor ( note to all on effexor GO OFF IT SLOW)if you do go off it .Effexor has been the only thing that works for her .
On another note she told me she started to cut herself the other nite ..she hasnt done that in over 14 years and I asked her why she did it ...she said she regretted doing it afterwords because the pain she was trying to suppres at that time is now replaced with the pain in where she cut so she is upset at herself for cutting ...hopefully she wont do it again .
The last couple of days have been good for her (she Is on a good high spot for now)hope it stays there ...
chuckle ..this is where i come for my "therapy"a good vent is all I need once in awhile
atedogs ..thanks for the well wishes ,and if anything I write helps others I am happy aftre all we all come here for help eh!!
counter clockwise ..yes I have read many books to tyr to understand
victoria,your story is full of advice thanks
alittleunwell..I tell her the same alll the time ...as does our daughter
janet...our doc is a quak but she is all we can get as there just are no docs around here
again thanks to all i really do appreciate all input
J