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Posted 8/13/2006 1:20 AM (GMT 0)
Can't find an exact word to fit all I'm feeling right now, but I am weepy, worried, and feeling queasy. I was already feeling sick when mom brings up how she thinks my cockatiel, Shadow, is sick. I do too and there's not a thing i can do about it. I'm also frustrated with other issues that I'm just not gonna discuss on the forum anymore. I'm tired of it and so should anyone else that's heard me whine. Anyway, I hope others are having a better day than i am right now.

luv,

janet

Posted 8/13/2006 2:09 AM (GMT 0)

Janet I don't know what to say except I am sorry that you are hurting right now.  I never think of anyone in this place as just whinning.  Isn't whining when someone just complains and never even tries to do anything to get better or change?  Aren't we all here because we are trying to change things?  Even if we understand things a little bit better for being here, that is a change. 

Posted 8/13/2006 3:58 AM (GMT 0)

I'm sory that things seem so unhappy right now.  Can you take your cockateil to a vet?

I truully understand how sad you can feel when a precious pet isn't well.  I hope things will improve.  Just keep your chin up and as my grandma would say tomorrow will br a better day.  You have many friends on this website who care.

Posted 8/13/2006 5:26 AM (GMT 0)
Thank you both for being so kind and considerate. There isn't an avian vet in this town and all that would happen if I took her to the regular vet is to give her an antibiotic w/o even knowing for sure what's wrong. She seemed a little better earlier thankfully! As to my feelings of weepiness, I still have them and AM trying to deal better with some of the issues that get me down, but it's like trying to dig the Panama canal with a teaspoon it seems. It eats me up inside. I wish I would die in a way, but am not actually suicidal. I am dead in a way though. I FEEL dead inside so much of the time. I'm so tired. I really am.
luv,
janet
Posted 8/13/2006 10:17 AM (GMT 0)
Hi Janet,

 

I'm sorry you are having a bad time.  Please don't think you are moaning to us, you can vent here anytime you like.  We won't get sick of hearing your problems so don't worry.

I hope your pet gets better soon, it is a horrible time when a pet is ill.  I have 2 cats and a dog and I love them so much.

 

Take care Janet

Posted 8/13/2006 12:37 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Janet,

Just wanted to second what Victoria said -- vent whatever you like whenever you like. I know that feeling of just not wanting to go over the same stuff again and again -- whether it's because *we're* tired of it or because we think *others* are/should be. What you need to know right now is that you have us all here if you do need to let things out, and if you're not up to that for now, that's ok too and we all send love and hugs to you.

Rosie x
Posted 8/13/2006 3:07 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Janet, I think it has been a little bit since you have posted in here...maybe?  Did something happen to make you feel that you can’t post your thoughts and feelings or worries on the forums?  I don’t mean to be nosey I just am not sure if there was a situation that occurred to make you feel uncomfortable or if it is something else.  Please don’t feel like your being a bother, or venting...your feelings no matter what they are, are valid and we are always here to listen and help in anyway we can.
Posted 8/13/2006 4:29 PM (GMT 0)

els said...

Hi Janet, I think it has been a little bit since you have posted in here...maybe?  Did something happen to make you feel that you can’t post your thoughts and feelings or worries on the forums?  I don’t mean to be nosey I just am not sure if there was a situation that occurred to make you feel uncomfortable or if it is something else.  Please don’t feel like your being a bother, or venting...your feelings no matter what they are, are valid and we are always here to listen and help in anyway we can.

First of all, I wanna thank EVERYONE for caring! :-)

Els, with me, it's always the same old cra*. My mom with her emotional blackmail. I've been reading a book by Susan Forward, Ph.D., about it and what to do in handling it...so much of what I read is like reading about me and mom. However, being in my situation is quite a bit different than the people she talks about in the book. Sure, there are principles that i can try to glean from, but I'm so alone in this really. I wish I had my own car so at least I'd feel a little independent. Everyone here on this forum and the anxiety forum are great folks and I appreciate them all, but when they tell me what/how I should do, I just wanna scream. I know pretty much already. For the record, one time I was talking with my caseworker about my situation and she would make a suggestion, I'd explain to her why that wouldn't work and so forth. Even she had to admit that i was in a very difficult situation and didn't seem to think that I was just "copping out".

Last night, I (as always), went with mom to clean an office. I was sick to my stomach and had a headache (she knew this). After we got done, she mentioned going to the store to pick up a few items. She could tell that I wasn't exactly thrilled by the notion, so she says, since you aren't feeling well, I guess we'll just go on home. i told her that she could go on to the store, but that I would stay in the car. WE went home. Mom MUST have me get out with her whenever we go anywhere. At least I didn't say, "Well, okay, let's go on to the store and I'll get out." I give myself that much credit! then on the way home, she's saying, "i'm just going to stop cooking, cuz everytime I do, you get sick." BLAH, BLAH, BLAH...I didn't care. I thought to myself that she don't cook that much anyway and it ain't no skin off my nose if she never cooks again!

Anyway, I still don't feel great this a.m., but that's life. I dread going out of my bedroom to deal with her. Ain't that special? PLEASE FOLKS , NO SOLUTIONS ARE BEING SOLICITED HERE. I'm just venting. I've got to continue dealing with this the best I can and try to learn to be stronger inside. I'm gonna try.

Thank you all!

luv,

janet

Posted 8/13/2006 4:50 PM (GMT 0)
No solutions Janet, just (((((((((((Janet))))))))))) Not much, I know, but hope it helped even in a tiny way! (And hope it didn't cut off your airflow, cos it was one heck of a squeeze!)

Rosie x
Posted 8/14/2006 12:20 AM (GMT 0)

janet said

 After we got done, she mentioned going to the store to pick up a few items. She could tell that I wasn't exactly thrilled by the notion, so she says, since you aren't feeling well, I guess we'll just go on home. i told her that she could go on to the store, but that I would stay in the car. WE went home. Mom MUST have me get out with her whenever we go anywhere. At least I didn't say, "Well, okay, let's go on to the store and I'll get out." I give myself that much credit! then on the way home, she's saying, "i'm just going to stop cooking, cuz everytime I do, you get sick." BLAH, BLAH, BLAH...I didn't care. I thought to myself that she don't cook that much anyway and it ain't no skin off my nose if she never cooks again!

Janet, I am so proud of you!!! Even if your mom tried to "blackmail" you, you won some battles and you did it well.  How?  Like this...

1.  You spoke up for yourself about not going into the store.  It was your Mom's decision to go home and that is also her responsibility.

2.  You recognized that her comments about cooking were just emotional blackmail and that they would have no effect on you and let them go.  Bravo, Bravo, Bravo!!!

I know  you are in an extremely difficult situation.  I am not telling you what to do, I am asking for information so that I can understand better.  In the absence of owning a car, are you able to use local transit to give yourself any independence.  Are you an only child?

Like I said, I am proud of you and how you dealt with a difficult situation.  tongue

Posted 8/14/2006 2:30 AM (GMT 0)
Thanks everyone!
I keep on trying to tell myself what the book said "I can stand this." about having a car of my own, it would just make me feel like she couldn't use the excuse that she may need the car or such. She's terrified of me not being under her control. She's afraid to lose me. I know it. But she holds on so tightly that it's killing me. I feel bad to admit it, but at night, when she gives me a kiss on my forehead to say goodnight, I wipe it off when she leaves the room. Sometimes I'm thinking really hateful things about her...calling her names in my mond...not names I'd say here (I'm not even a person that uses much profanity!) I wonder if one day I'll ever get to the point where I'll explode and finally let her have it with both barrels? I doubt it thouhg. I'm 42 and it ain't happened completely yet!
Thank you all so much! You're all wonderful!
janet
Posted 8/16/2006 1:59 AM (GMT 0)
Hi Everyone!
I'm feeling kinda weird today...out of sorts and totally confused! Last night I was thinking how bad I hated my situation w/mom...it was late and I opened the front door. I just wanted to look out and see the outdoors. Everything was so silent and still...lonely. But I still wanted to run outside and just walk and walk and walk! I wanted so bad to have the guts to go out to the car and drive to the store to get a soda...but what if mom found out?!!! UGH!!! And what would it have proven if I'd sneaked out anyway??? Well, as I lay in bed thinking about it all, I got sooooooooo mad. When I got up I went in and sat down as mom was already up. I nonchalantly said (had to get my courage up!) "You know! I was so tempted to get on some clothes last night and go to the store for a soda! I almost did cuz I was craving it so bad!" I was totally expecting "THE LOOK" and an argument or some remarks meant to let me know it's a good thing that I hadn't. She didn't say a single word!!!!!!!! Now I'm off-kelter. Not sure how to take it. She acted normal. I've been feeling anxy/uneasy all day (but glad I said what I did). I just don't know what's up with me. I just feel lost.
janet
Posted 8/16/2006 4:15 AM (GMT 0)
Janetlee, don't try to second guess how you feel, let it be enough that you are feeling something right now. Sometimes when I read your posts it sounds to me as though you are numb, with good reason. You have been dealing with so much for so long. I know that I have not been here for very long but there seems to be a change in you. Your voice is stronger, your visualizations are getting stronger. I really believe in positive visualization and seeing myself being successful in order to get myself to the place where I achieve that success. Even if you don't see the changes they are there, does anyone else see it?

I love the night and I love the way you described seeing the night. It is silent and still, it is cool and calm. Sometimes when my life seems to be too franetic I go outside and sit in the night and let the stillness and calm wash over me. It isn't lonely to me because I am part of it.

When I was younger I was lucky enough to have someone that was there for me. He never pushed me into any specific action but would ask thoughtful question and then just let me deal with the answers. There is a question and a statement that I have come to love and still consider often:

1..What are you aftraid will happen if you----------? Fill in the blank with whatever pertains to the moment.

2. Confusion is the best place for you to be. To me that statement means that I am still searching and as long as I am searching I have not given up.

Thinking of you.
Posted 8/16/2006 7:19 AM (GMT 0)
Thank you Strong!
You are a dear person! I am not under any delusions that I've got this thing beat...not by a looong shot, but I wanna keep on trying. It's hard to go against the status quo, especially by myself. But I am hoping that I will get stronger and stronger. I think that perhaps my mom, realizing that I've just about arrived at the ripe old age of 42, is trying to see me as an adult. Time will tell. I thank you for your support and like you, I love the night!
janet
Posted 8/21/2006 3:27 PM (GMT 0)
Hi, Ate!
Little Miss Shadow seems to be doing better. She is such a little charmer! She's quite the lady. On the other hand, Peeper is my little brat bird with attitude! LOL!! Sometimes I sing this little ditty when I'm playing with him: "Bad, Bad, Peeper bird, the baddest bird in the whole dang town, badder than an ol' King Kong, meaner than a junkyard dog!" He has a LOT of bravado, but when it comes right down to it, he's a cowardly lil' butt!
I call him the "Barney Fife" of the bird world! I was doing a craft project in the room where they stay and a little bright colored feather got away from me and the ceiling fan made it float around a bit...you should've seen the way he looked at that feather! You'd thought that it was an alien from another planet! He made me laugh my head off!! Also, when he gets mad at me or mom, he runs under the metal desk and bangs on the underside with his beak as hard as he can! He takes out his frustration on the desk! LOL!!!!!! We never keep them locked up in the cage. They can come in and out of it as they please. We keep a small cage on the floor as well, so that if they were to fly down to the floor, they'd have water and food. Since they have their own room, so to speak, as it's our office, craft room, reading room, etc., they're very privileged birds. I have to say in their defense that they haven't become snobbish about it! I'm proud of that cuz how many birds have their own room? HaHaHa!!!
As to me, I'm doing "fair-to-middlin'" as we say in the south! I'm taking things one day at a time.
You take good care of yourself and remember that you are a dear person!
janet
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