Why different rules for different people

As I was talking with my wife this morning it occured to me that I have different rules for different people. Let me see if I can explain. My father never tried to maintain a relationship with me after I decided I needed to put all my energy in to my own family. We always initiated visits, we had to start the convesations, we had to create interest. It was draining to put all the energy out there with no positive return. So I stopped trying. I have put the questioning of his reasons for his behaviour out of my mind pretty much for 21 years. But when I try to stop my negative behaviours towards my wife I always seem to pull them back from the dead file. My father abandoned me for his newer family, My wife has stood by me through all the garbage I've thrown at her. She loves me and He doesn't. Why do I treat her poorly and let my father off the hook? It is the basis for the depressive episodes I have. I start with the insults, then I feel bad, blame myself and go even deeper in the dumps. While in the dumps I realize that I have no one to "blame" but myself and start looking for evidence that my fears are true and further add fuel to the fire.

Hi IFIXDIT,  What Rosie said makes much sense.  The thing I am wondering is if you have a relationship with your father now?  I does seem that you hold much anger and resentment toward him for his treatment of you and that is very much understandable. I went though a whole long convulated a thing with my real dad and for a long time held alot of resentment toward him also.  The one thing that helped me over come it was that I had to learn and except him for who he is.  I needed to know that I did not have the power to change him or his attitude.  He also deals with issues from his own upbringing so, that makes it a vicious cycle.  Once I realized that and excepted it I had to decide if I wanted him in my life or not.  That power was mine and will always be mine.

I can relate to this thread that is for sure. It is amazing how you let certain people get away with things,and other people you would never speak to them again.
My mom is my different rules person. I think she is very depressed and has been for a long time. Due to that she lashes out and says mean things. I just usually keep my mouth shut as I keep thinking that no matter what she is still my mom.