Therapy

Els, you were so right!  I've had my second session with my therapist and she asked me what I wanted to get out of our sessions together.  I explained to her that I had always had a problem with low self-esteem, that I had been having flashbacks lately, that I wanted to find a better way to deal with stress dealing with my family (among other things), and that I really wanted to be able to find my voice again.  That deep down inside I know that there is this amazing woman who is highly capable and confident, but when she's disempowered she completely shuts down and can't even form coherent thoughts.  And what she said is exactly what you told me a while back - that you hoped that therapy would give me some skills and tools to handle situations that I'm thrown into when I don't feel comfortable or confident.  'Cause we can't all walk around in a world that completely adores us all the time!  :) That for better or worse we sometimes can't get out of situations that are not in our best interests to be in in the first place.

The more that I've been thinking of things lately, it seems like all of this past abuse stuff started coming up again when doofus (the most recent ex-boyfriend that you've heard much too much about) completely disrespected me and ignored my request of no contact.  To me, it seems like a complete disregard and lack of respect.  In some way, my brain is processing the actions and have associated them with past wrongs and have lumped them into the pile of other actions taken against me that I have also spoken out against. 

Why can't some people understand that NO means NO?

Well done Sadsong -- these are all really important realisations. You *will* get your voice back -- think you've started to do this already. -- Great going!

Rosie x

Ya'll are so great! :) And Els, you are so right on target, as always! I mean my therapist really understands me and can clearly articulate the range of thoughts and feelings that I'm going through on a particular issue. It's pretty amazing! And so validating! I guess that's the most important lesson I've learned so far. That even though I may feel completely alone and isolated - many other people out there (and on this board) have gone thorugh similar or even much more troubling situations and survived and lived and have become productive and caring individuals. It'll take some work and there will be set backs and successes, but if this is something that I really want to achieve (and I mean who doesn't want to achieve a balanced and healthy life) then I have made a very important first step towards on that journey! :)

As far as the ex is concerned. To clarify, there was no physical abuse, but the night that we broke up, he said some hurtful things like refering to me as a "good friend" rather than his girlfriend and telling me to mail his computer back to him when I got myself a new one. Just really stupid and sophomoric things that I didn't expect from a 40 year old man. I'm not sure what he wants. He's sent me several emails over the past few months, but I have just deleted them. (Which my therapist agreed was the smart thing to do.) So, I don't know what he wants. I also think he's been calling my house, but refuses to say anything, since for a while I was getting at least one phone call a day with no one at the other end. I have since gotten a cell phone (I'm jumping from the 19th to the 21st century - I still don't own a microwave or a computer!) and will be cancelling my land line at the end of the month. So, hopefully that will lessen my stress a little bit. I'm also not sure if he's been driving by my house or not. It could just be me over reacting, but I've walked down Main Street and swear I've seen someone with his build automatically start walking in the opposite direction...

Great forward steps! That sounds like something Robin would say to Batman, "Holy forward steps Batman!" LOL You are amazing!

Good luck.