Feeling a little desperate...

I realize that many things contribute to a person's response, but lately I feel like I must be coming across as desperate, and thus end up pushing people away, which is exactly not what I want nor need.  Since I'm craving human contact.

When plans don't materialize I find myself sinking into dispair, since I tend to blame myself.  Even when I realize that I don't have a complete understanding of the reasons why a person has canceled or not followed through, it still feels like I must have done something or not said the right thing to make that person not want to hang out with me.  I realize that this is irrational, but for some reason I just can't seem to help it. 

I am trying to reach out to more people and build my support system, but it gets very frustrating when the very small group of people that I've finally gotten enough courage to follow up with have then backed out on me.  :(  I mean on some level I do understand that there could be many other things that could cause a person not to follow through, things that have nothing to do with me.  But, I just can't help but feel hurt when something that I've been looking forward to doesn't materialize.  :(   

first point, depression is ugly. nobody can look at it without feeling down. that includes healthy people. most questions i get from people who arent depressed are why do you think that? why would I think the girl who was busy and forgot to call didnt like me because of what i said the day before. that she conciously planned not to call saw my missed call and made a screw you face and disregarded it. All because I am lacking in some way. desparation comes from being overtaken by these thoughts, i never had a choice, always bombarded with demeaning thoughts about myself, always felt inferior. But like us all I wanted social interaction, and so when I do recieve a little I want it to go right, I hold on and overanalyze past the point of return, How can the actual act exceed my expectations? thats why i always feel rejected. nothing will go as planned. as it shouldn't. But the killer is that we are not ok that it didnt go as we liked. we blame it on ourselves. I think i should stop trying and that there is no hope. And there isn't. the delusional beliefs are delusional. they are not real. they are result of a mental illness. called depression. so separate all the I's from your statement on feeling desparate. depression makes me feel desparate. depression makes me hate myself. but its not myself i hate its the depression.

I can see how it would be a dissapointment when you have made plans with certian people and they have not followed through...in whatever way shape or form.

I can help to thing think that while you went on your trip to form some independance and find yourself in a way some of the people you met may not of had the same reason's.  When people are out of their usual environment and no one knows them it is easy to embelish certian things in their lives.  To just be a differant person.  So once your home it is back to relatity.  Or perhaps once they are home they just get caught back up into their lives and dont have the time or want to make the time for new friends.  I dont know if that is what has happened here Sadsong and I really do hope that neither one of these is the case.

You had the streangth to go on this trip on your own and come out of your shell to try to make new friends without all the thoughts that your projecting now.  Your a wonderful strong woman and I dont think you could of pushed anyone away.

Hugs

i also am influenced by peoples actions. encouragement from others is essential i believe in feeling more positive and hopeful. i dont have that encouragement and i too feel desperate at this point. i think its normal to be more influenced by other actions when down and lonely. it does reinforce the negative i already feel about life and myself. good friends that stand by ya are darn rare in this world. they take time to cultivate as well. if i didnt get love from my many pets, i wouldnt be able to go on.