Please help - I really need it so badly

***It's a long read, but please bear with me***

Hello, I am new here.  I desperately need someone to talk to and/or advice.

I got fired today. 

I cry just typing it.  Not only am I hurt and humiliated, but this is the fourth time in a row this has happened to me and I don't know why!  I am so hurt and confused. 

I have always felt like an "outsider" - and I think now is the time I really need to confront this and figure out why.

I am an only child (which I strongly feel damages a child's development socially).  My relationship with my parents is strained - right now my mother and I are getting along and talking, but she goes through periods where she gets depressed, or angry with me for no reason, and we don't talk for months.  I am a "daddy's girl" I guess, I know my father loves me to pieces but even though I try to be close to him, he does things that make it obvious that he doesn't want to spend a lot of time with me.  (Depression runs on both sides of my family)

The men that I have attracted to me have always been the manager type or business owners, and I am now married to a manager of a succesful company.  I often find myself thinking that I'm all wrong for him, that he deserves someone more successful than me.  He's great, although not terribly supportive emotionally.  He has a hard time accepting that depression is real.  He thinks people can just "snap out of it". 

I am an attractive 31-year old woman (although I've recently gained about 20 pounds due to illness), and strangely enough (I'm not making it sound like it now), I really like myself.  I think I'm funny, I like my personality and I think I am a loyal an intelligent person, with a positive attitude and good morals, not to mention a good work ethic.  However, I have found it hard to be accepted by people throughout my whole life.  School, jobs, family - even short relationships such as trips to the store, I feel as though I have been summed up and am being looked down upon.  Now, I know that sounds paranoid, but you have to admit, people often judge others quickly, and usually you can pick out who's a big geek, or who's the prissy cheerleader either by looking at them, or within the first 10 minutes or so of a conversation.  With me, I feel like I win people over right away, but deep down I know that once they get to know me, the "jig will be up".  And it almost always comes to pass.  I've never been one of the "popular crowd", although I manage to get along with them, whether it was when I was in high school, or now (ain't it great how there are clicks everywhere?)  I don't know what it is about me, but I find out later that I'm talked about behind my back, someone who I thought liked me really doesn't, I've even had people who have actively hated me.  After experiencing this for my whole life I can't really help but be a little paranoid I guess.

Unfortunately I don't get a view of myself from anyone else's point of view but my own.  I can't really ask someone to put their finger on it for me - either I don't know anyone well enough, and those I do know well enough probably don't see it; that's why they're friends with me, right? 

Anyway, now that I'm out in the working world this thing, this personality flaw or whatever it is, it's been hurting me for years.  I've been fired many times, or wound up leaving the ones I don't like because I'm never happy with them, and I usually feel like I just dodged a bullet because they might have fired me if I didn't quit.  Of course it hurts every time, and my resume really leaves something to be desired because I go through jobs like water.  I have to lie and use my father's company as a reference, and of course his assistant (who has known me for years) lies for me, whatever I tell her to say.  But I'm humiliated to have gone through yet another job. 

I figure at my age it's time to "settle down" and get a "real" job.  So within the past few months I've been looking for a job that I could see myself at for years to come.  So being fired just hurts that much more deeply, since I want to invest my heart and soul into it.  First I registered with a temp agency and got a temp-to hire position at a small business, and loved it.  But after a week and a half, my contact at the temp agency called me and told me that they didn't want me to return.  I then went to be a personal assistant and I was thrilled because it was the most money I had ever made.  After 1 week he let me go, over the phone on a Saturday.  Next it was another small business, who fired me after 1 week, saying I had done nothing wrong, I was great, blah blah, but I just "didn't fit in" (their words).  Then I finally got my current (well, not anymore) job, which I loved.  I was so happy with it even though it was a small office (although I don't mind, I know that working closely with people causes them to get to know me better and faster, which is a recipe for disaster for me) - I even took a steep pay cut because I was sooo happy.  I was wary not to lose sight of things, not to get too excited because of my track record, but everything was going great.

Until now.  I am crushed.  I could hardly breathe as I packed my things.  I don't know what to do or say anymore, or most of all what to think.  How do I take this? What do I do now?  I can't take it anymore.  What kind of a person gets fired four times in a row?  I'm sure I could make excuses and find reasons why it's not all my fault, but I feel like such a horrible loser.  And I'm scared of what to tell my husband.  It's starting to affect our relationship - he is overly stressed because of the money situation this puts us through, but also I don't want him of all people judging me.  I lied to him about the temp job I got fired from - made up some lame excuse, but admitted to him the personal assistant firing incident, which he was not immediately supportive of me but eventually came around (he says he was just stressed about money).  I also admitted being fired from the one after that, and he was great about it.  But I can not tell him that I have been fired once again.  I can't even deal with it myself right now.  It's lunch time here, and I told my husband that I went home, and I get to spend the rest of the day figuring out what I'm going to tell him. 

Getting another job will be no problem, but I so need to figure out why this keeps happening,  I can't keep going through this.  I am lucky I'm not suicidal or else I'm sure I would have tried by now.  I don't know what will help. I don't know what to do.  I feel a little better having typed this all out.  I'm very sorry I've brought you through all this, and it's such a long post, so if you've made it here then thank you for sticking with it.  Now can you tell me what to do??  How do I handle it all?  These are some of the worst emotions for a person to go through and I hate it but I don't know how to make it stop.  Can anyone tell me?  Can anyone tell me what's wrong with me??

Hi, Welcome to healing well.  I am so sorry about your terrible day and about your job.  I am 33 yrs old and spent 11 yrs of that time at one job, in a management position. There have been many employees that I have had to let go for various reasons, more often then not they just were not suited for the job.  I always did hate that one aspect of my position as it is difficult to do as it is difficult to be on the other side of the equation.

I dont know if I would say that there is anything wrong with you but more that you may be looking at the wrong type of positions for yourself.  Just like at the end of your post you state that getting another job will be no problem, perhaps that is the problem.  Your not taking the time to actually find a job that you will stay at long term and that your interested in doing and will do will.  In turn and employer may need to fill a position but sure enough there are 100 other people who can do the same job you can...so you have to stand out in someway.  To get them interested and keep them interested in your job preformace in a positive way.  Maybe you can think about taking some classes part-time? or seeing if your area has a job fair that shows what employers have to offer.

As for the "clicks" within the office and wherever you go pretty much...I have dealt with this too and for the most part ignore them.  People that behave in that manner I have no interest in wanting to pal around with or starting up a friendship with.  Of course this is just me and often times I have been labled as "distant" or "snotty".  I'm not too sure I would let these people get to you so...no matter how much it hurts to know your talked about behind your back.

I am sure other members will be along shortly to post some other suggestions to you.  It will be okay...we are always here

It's strange - I truly believe all the self-confident stuff; people like that aren't worth being friends with anyway, I'm comfortable in my own skin, I embrace my goofiness, etc.  Truly, truly.  I am a pillar of self confidence believe it or not.  But it really gets trying when other people continually knock me down no matter what.  Whether it's rejection from a clique, people purposely counting me out (I've actually had that happen), getting fired, etc.  I seem to really like myself, I just wonder why other people don't. 

I was thinking today about some of the jobs I've been fired from, and the excuses seems really lame.  I can't help but wonder at this point if maybe my employer just didn't like me either and wanted me out of there? 

It all hurts so much no matter what.  I think you may be right in saying that I'm projecting something to others without realizing it - maybe it's that I'm so scared with each new job that it will all happen all over again.  In the mean time, I want to really find out what I appear like to other people but I just don't know how.

No matter how much I like myself, each time this happens I just feel like a big loser.

Hi.

Sorry to hear about your bad luck recently. First of all I would like to say, don't judge yourself by your jobs or getting fired. These things happen. I have been in management for a good part of my career and have had to fire many and have been fired myself more than a few times. It's all part of life. The first time I got fired, I cried too. But after that, I just held my head up and got better jobs with more money. A lot has to do with positive outlook.

I know you said that money was an issue, but I think you would do great in therapy. What do you think? Talk about your problems, maybe get some insight into your relationship with others? Do you feel you may have clinical depression? That can affect how you interect with others too. But remember what I said, don't take the firing part of your past really seriously. It will only get you down. Continue on your path of getting a new job, but on your off time consider some therapy if that's possible. It can't hurt and may really help.

As for your husband and being supportive, give him time. If you handle this well, chances are he will too. Keep your head up. YOU ARE NOT A BAD PERSON just because you got fired. Hope this advice helps.

Lindaloo