what do you do?

What do you do when you feeling completely overwhelmed by the negativity?  You can't hardly move.  You feel like you're just going to scream or bawl but you can't even make yourself do either, it's stuck in your throat....  I need to go to bed but I can't make myself get up and go upstairs and go to bed.  All day today there were a million things I should've been doing but instead I vegged in front of the lap top playing stupid games.  And when my kids were around today, I would hardly stop what I was doing to tend to their needs.  I slept til almost noon and my husband says, wish I could sleep past nine.  I say, I wish I could wake up.  I feel like I'm just walking around in another dimension.  At least I finally managed to tell my mother I will be taking some sick leave from work (for anyone who hasn't read my previous posts, I work for my parents), and that was a weight lifted from my shoulders.  But it was short lived.  My son is turning 10 on Wednesday and I can't believe it's been ten years since they placed him in my arms.  And this afternoon he had a screaming fit when I asked everybody to come with me for a walk.  He didn't want to come but in the end I think he was happy he came, but oh my gosh, the door slamming, wall banging, screaming fit he put up before we went out the door.  I am really worried about him.  He is so angry...  And I know that I am partially to blame for that anger.  The years of living with my depression, especially when he was younger when my depression came out in angry bursts too, now the meds seem to help keep that part of the depression under control.  But the guilt of knowing the burden I've placed on his young soul.  And even though I know guilt is a wasted emotion, it's not one that's easy to turn off either.  And so I sit here at 2am, wishing I could just cry and physically let everything out, but I can't.  I dont' want to go to work tomorrow, but I can't handle a whole day with my 2 1/2 year old, she's just too busy for me.  I can't keep up right now.  My spirit and soul are as tired as my muscles and joints, and it's hard to make myself do things.  I wanted to get out this weekend and tear out my garden and plant some bulbs I picked up Friday but I just couldn't get myself to get up and go do it.  I'm planning on starting fresh out front.  A few years of neglect have left my gardens looking a little... well... tired, so I want to start fresh next year.  Once I am started, I'm okay.  It's getting started.  Everything just seems  like an insurmountable obstacle these days.  And I know that compared to some people, I have nothing to complain about, and I wish I could just snap out of it.  But it's like I'm trapped in a prison to which I don't have the key....  Anyways, I just wanted to try to write a bit and see if it would help me get some sleep.  I need sleep.  I have to get my son up and on his van in the morning.  My mother has been calling around 7am to wake us up and it's been helping.  But going to bed at 2:30 - 3:00 am is somewhat counter productive too.  Unfortunately it sometimes feels like this is the only time I can really hear my thoughts.  My kids are asleep, the house is quiet, etc....  And sometimes that's a good thing, sometimes it's not.  My thoughts are not always good company!  Anyways, thanks for listening. 

slowlygoingcrazy

I've lived with depression my whole life, and i also have sleeping disorders. Have you ever thought that you might have a sleeping disorder too? it's gotten better, but I used to lie away for hours at night, but then sleep all day and i just could get out of bed for anything, perhaps just bathroom and showering. Once i was able to change up my routine, make it a little more interesting and find beauty and happyness in the smallest of things, I was able to get up earlier, actually do something with my day. Because the days when i slept in, i tended to be more sleepy, I felt useless like it was just another wasted day. But when i would just get, do ANYTHING, I already started feeling better. As hard as it was to just wake up, I would just hop in the shower, pretty myself up so i would be ready and awake for anything. Just a suggestion, try doing that, even though its hard. You'll probably start to feel better. Change up your daily routine, do something for yourself and family. :) Good luck to you! oh, and as i mentioned before, you could have a sleep disorder and that could also be a cause for a lot of your suffering.

Hi Slowly, I think Meekah has a very good point they made...I have had depression for many years and went through a bout of 8 or so months where I couldnt sleep at all.  The doctors labled it Stressed Induced Sleep Disorder and prescribed Ativan to help which didnt much.  I think I was getting about 3 or 3 hours of sleep a night which isnt enough to function for anyone.  Several years later I developed stroke like symptoms and after an MRI and brain biopsy it was found that I have Multiple Sclerosis which I have had for 5 years now.  Then to make matters totally worse I was diagnosed with an autonomic disorder this past January.  I can totally relate to constant fatigue, your body warring with what you want to do and accomplish and just the sense of being "out of it" or as you put it "brain fog".  It is a very vicious cycle and yes depression does intermingle between physical illness greatly. 

I have been very fortunate in that I have a very supportive family who has helped while I quit my job and helped support me through the transition of disability and also takes care of me on those days when I cant do so much for myself and encourages (pushs really) to keep going.  I have great doctors who have adjusted my medications to ensure that I can get the most out of my days.  Such as being able to sleep at night by taking Restoril and combating fatigue during the day which is common with MS by taking Ritalin which also helps with my very low blood pressure.

My point in all this is that you do have many options open to you...there was a point when I believed that I was going to die and didnt care if I did.  Slowly I have gotten better with much help but I realized that it all had to start with me...