tears?

I'm sitting here in bed, the laptop propped up on my legs, and I'm realizing it's nearly 2:30am again.  I had not intended to be up so late tonight but I can't seem to make myself stop typing, I'm afraid if I do, I will lose all sense of control.  It's like the typing and the clicking are soothing the nerves or something.  But then I also feel really panicky because somehow I have to get up and get through my day tomorrow, and it's not like I can fall back to sleep tomorrow morning after my son gets on his van.  We have a subsidy meeting for my daughter tomorrow morning at 9am.  And I forgot to call my sister to make arrangements for her to get here early.  I just feel so overwhelmed by everything some days, some moments.  I had a good day on Wednesday for my son's birthday.  Having some people over and being able to talk was really helpful, and I enjoy talking!!!! if people will listen!!!!, but with the depression getting worse it's harder and harder for me to start those conversations.  I've become a much better listener over the last few years because it's easier than trying to start up a difficult conversation concerning how I'm feeling....  I don't have a lot of outlets where I can vent.  HW has been great there because I don't have to dump everything on my cousin anymore!!!! And maybe I can take some of the pressure of my needing my husband to respond to these needs because he apparrently is incapable of dealing with me on this emotional level.  Men....  I also joined another online community tonight that is specifically geared towards meeting people, friends whatever and who knows maybe I'll find a few more friends to lean on for support so I'm not always leaning on the same ones all the time.  I hate doing that because you feel like a burden.  And right now it doesn't help that I feel horrible that I can't help my mom out more.  She is working such long hours right now to keep the office going.  I don't even know how she is managing.  My dad is away on trial, has been for two weeks and has two more to go.  So my parents have both worked for pretty much three weeks straight, every day, at least 8 hrs, and here I am, in my youth, I should be able to run circles around my parents, and yet I can barely get myself out of bed.  I know my mom is trying to be patient with me but she is frustrated because she can't understand why I can't keep up, or at least manage a basic 35 to 40 hour work week like everyone else.  And it's hard to explain.  Nobody sees the tears that want to fall so badly.  They just sit there and I can't get them out.  It's been suggested the medication could be causing that and I agree, I've suspected that connection for some time, but what can I do? If I stop taking my meds, what will I turn into?  How much less will I function?  How much more could I hurt? Especially with the FMS...  I just feel like a horrible failure.  I'm always letting everybody down, or at least it feels that way.  I just want to cry.  I just need to cry.  Why can't I cry....  It might actually help....  Anyways, I need a few hours sleep before the wake up call from my mom.  I can't even wake up in the morning to get my son off to school on time without my mom having to call....  I'm grateful to her, but I'm frustrated as all h*ll that I even have to ask any of this of her....  Tears, where are you?  Why must I suffer with this lump in my throat?  Why must everything hurt so much inside and out?  I want to go on sick leave but I'm afraid of the short term financial repercussions when we are only just starting to get back on our feet now that my husband is employed again, but I'm barely managing and I feel like it's unfair to my parents when they could hire someone else for less to do more than what I'm doing right now....  I just feel confused....  Lonely.  Exhausted from everything...  What the h*ll am I supposed to be doing?  What is the right thing to do?  I have to decide...  Right now, I just wish I could cry, it might reduce some of the fog in the brain to let it out....

Thanks for listening....

slowly

Hi Slowly,
I'm sorry that you are feeling so low. I only joined last week and you gave me some of the best advice in a long time - "You'll never get better if you don't learn to make yourself a priority from time to time. My best years have been when I've found the time to look after myself..." - it feels like an impossible task to be what you want rather than what everyone else wants or expects you to be. But you are right, we all have to take the time to find out what we really want from life and remind ourselves that that's great. Inbetween there are bad times, but you hang on in for the good (i'm trying to get the good bits to last a little longer each time). I think if writing until 2am helps and it makes you feel better, then go ahead, don't feel bad about it. Who can say whether that is normal or not??? Try to judge your own life and make some of your own rules rather than be restricted by the realms of society's normal'
I think you should also stop worrying about how hard your parents are working too. At the end of the day ask yourself if they are living the lives they want? If they really didn't want to do it then they probably wouldn't. I only say this because I have spent the best part of my life worrying about what everyone else thinks and have missed so much because it is not 'correct' or 'normal' to let your hair down, to show feelings, to cry, to be sad etc. If you need to take time off then do it, even if it is just for a day or two. Your parents will at least know where they stand with the business and can arrange cover if they really need to and you can forget about work and concentrate on YOU.
Remember, you always have the rest of us to 'vent' at and get it all off your chest. I know I am not great at giving advice, but I can listen and let you know I am here.
Hugs
wizzer

CODA (Codependents Anonymous) meetings can be very helpful in learning how to love yourself, put worth and value on yourself and set healthy boundaries in relationships.  \

Blessings.

K.