Depression and my life

My story started about a year ago when my husband fell into a depression and decided he was no longer in love with me and left out of the blue.  He stopped taking meds and seeing a therapist and was sure that the reason for his depression was the marriage.  I was devestated and thought I would never get through it.  We were married for ten years.  I have worked very hard on myself to get strong again and get through this.  I see a therapist and started taking paxcil.  I feel like I have come a long way with my self esteem and began to enjoy life again, really got back into my job.   Earlier this year I met a man.   He was 11 years younger than me (Im 38) attractive and fun.  We had nothing in common really except that we were both physically attracted to each other and began a "no strings attached" physical relationship.  At the time I thought I could handle it and did not want anything more.  As time wore on I got to know him better and learned he has alot of issue.  (okay dont we all).   He has anger issues, is very immature for his age, has a poor self image of himself (weight) and is obsessed with how he looks.  He has money issues because of how he was raised and struggles with the religious beliefs of his own and what he grew up believing. He is very negative most of the time.  When we were together, we almost always drank.   At the time we started fooling around he had just ended a three year relationship and I was seperated from my husband.  I am almost legally divorced now.  I knew in my head that this guy was not capable of much and I knew we did not have that much in common except we were both somewhat depressed, but somehow I started to develop feelings for him. When I decided that I wanted  to do more than have sex and talk, for example, go to a movie, dinner something else, he freaked out.  I was so hurt.  I never loved the guy like I loved my husband but I felt so used and devastated even though in the beginning I knew what I was getting myself into.  We on and off act like friends and talk to each other, but so many times it turns into a fight.  I find myself  being there for him, trying to build his confidence, going out of my way to do something for him, but get angry with him when I dont get it in return.  How can I be attracted to someone who is depressed?  I know he was a mistake from the beginning but I did not know how to stop.

One day I sat down and wrote out the things I liked about this person and things I did not like about this person.  I had a laundry list of things I did not like and hardly anything I liked.  Isnt that crazy. 

What I realized from this, is that I missed having someone there.  I missed feeling attractive to someone and feeling wanted again. He filled that void. But then I realized I needed something more.   I tried to make this person be someone he is not and was angry when he could not be that.  I find myself trying so hard to fix something that never really existed I think because my husband left and I had no chance to try to fix anything in the marriage.  Does that make sense to anyone?  My friends think this guy is a loser and cant understand how I could have feelings for someone like him.  In my head I get that.  I know I can do so much better.  But I still get a physical reaction when I see him.

I still see a therapist and it helps alot.  I  work hard and go to the gym and try to stay busy  but I find myself thinking about this guy and still wishing this guy would call me. Nighttime seems to be the worst and I dont know why.   I dont know how to not have him get to me. I know this is a message board about depression but I feel like the way this guy has treated me is contributing to my current depression.  

By the way, Im switching to Wellbutrin on reccomendation from my dr.  Anyone had any issues?

Hi Atthebeach, Welcome to Healing Well forum and also to the depression forum, we are happy to have you join us here and you are always welcome to post.  A divorce can be devastating for your self esteem and it does sound as if you were blind sided by your ex.  I totally agree with what ShynSassy has posted.  This person your seeing cant and wont supply you with the emotional requirements you need. It appears that you know this it just comes down to you making the decision of staying as far away from him as you can.  I am sure you can do better...and the right person will come along with time when you least expect it...(right Shy?  ) Please do keep posting....Take care

Thank you for your response.  I know its been awhile since I posted. 

The situation is that I work with this person.  No one knows what happened for obvious reasons.  So in that respect its difficult to stay far away from this person.  I realize that I dont have any romantic interest in this person because he would make me miserable , but at one point I really wanted to be friends.  I hated how mean and angry he was and I still have alot anger built up towards him (okay some may be from issues stemming from long ago)   Because of how "unavailable" this person was I told him that I thought it was best that we not be friends. I could not continue to help him and get nothing in return.  I really thought he would be relieved as he does not seem to show interest in being a friend. He freaked out.  He kept telling me "tell me that you hate me and get it over with".  I told him that I dont hate him.  I just need some time. He said Im either his friend or his enemy there was no inbetween.  I was surprised he was upset because I thought he did not want to be friends.  Why would he act like this.

After a couple of weeks we started talking (at work) again.  I told him that lets not make this harder than it is.  Its what it was and it was meaningless. Those were his words months ago  (He made it clear several times when we were fighting that he had no interest in dating me and that it was just sex and that the only regret he had was that he lost his relationship over it).  His relationship was over long before we started fooling around.  Also Whenever I point out that something nice  that I did for him, he makes the statement " I never asked for that". 

A few days ago I was doing email at work and was a bit upset about something that had nothing to do with him.  He asked me about what was going on and I told him that I did not feel comfortable talking to him about it.  He said to me "you really dont talk to me anymore".  I have  made it clear that that if we are to be friends, he would have to meet me half way and apologize for how he treated me. 

I know he will never be anything  good for me, but seeing him everyday makes it hard.  I still think about him and when he talks about his plans for weekend or a woman etc. I get a physical reaction.   I cant stand the way he acts most of the time,  he says innappropriate things and is very immature for his age. I even hate watching him eat.  He is 27 and acts like he is 21.  He gets angry all the time (not just with me) about things.  I cant imagine if something really bad happened how he would react.  He always had back pain, or does not feel good, has to go to the doctor etc.  For someone so young he has alot of physical ailments.  I used to feel sorry for him and go out of my way to help him but now I try to just blow it off.  At work he is cocky and sarcastic especially in a group setting,  but if  there is ever a moment alone with me (like in an office or conference room) he acts sad about something, complains about not feeling good or is upset.  He still asks my opinion on  work related topics alot. (he is not very good at his job and has little respect from  others we work with)

I cant stand him most of the time, but dont know how to shake him.  I do things to keep myself busy but being divorced and no family here, my social life is not always  full of excitement.  My best friend moved away (job) and I have a few other friends, but most of my friends were couple friends.  I made a decision next year to move closer to family (have to sell house and settle some financial things with divorce first).  But in the meantime I dont know how to shake this guy from my head. 

I used to love talking to him and felt comfortable telling him anything but sleeping together has ruined everything.  I dont know how to let that part go.  I dont think he does either.    I have talked to my therapist about him of course.  She basically reminds me of how wrong he is for me and how I deserve so much better etc. and points out ways to make myself think that. 

Am I crazy?  Why do I feel the need to comfort this guy or feel sorry for him.  Why do I want to go out of my way for him and then get mad when he doesnt return the favor to me.  If he does not care about me why did he freak out when I told him I did not think we could be friends.  I dont get it.

Sorry for long post.  Thanks for listening.  Writing this down always helps.