hello Els,
smile- thankyou for your post-it doesnt sound like you have had a very good time either to say the least.
I have dug in our mental health departments in Alberta. There used to be some very good programs...but our provincial government has opted to shut a lot of them down in the name of paying off the debt. Now our debt is payed and our province is the only one in Canada to be debt free. Looks good on paper, but the money still doesnt go to programs for people who need it. Our cities are full of homeless people. Calgary has just passed 'the bad behaviour bylaw'. That means if a homeless person is caught spitting, urinating or freaking out in public they get a fine. Makes a lot of sense- instead of dealing with the problem they throw ridiculous laws at them. Its all about money...and not about the people. In their eyes I would have to do something outrageous before I got any real help. They are not about prevention..its more like 'wait till they kill someone'. Our jails and institutions are full of people who would not be there if someone had done something.
Where I live we have a huge railroad bridge that goes across the river. At least once a month we get a jumper..the suicide rate here is ridiculous. Getting into mental health for an assessment takes weeks. I went to them first and was told I would be better off going to the private sector because of that very fact and they realized I didnt have time to wait for weeks. Because of my income I got a subsidy...but I still pay 50$ an hour at that.
Sometimes I think all my problems are self made and if I'de just forget about them I'de be okay. That works for a while. Then I hit the wall again.
Another thing is I hate 'drawwing a crowd', if you know what I mean. I always feel like I am making a mountain out of a mole hill. Suck it up princess kinda attitude- but I also know that it is part of my conditioning as a child and it has followed me all through my life. Sometimes it has saved me and I think that is how I got this far...but its a survival strategy that isnt working very well for me anymore. Tired of sucking it up. I am tired period.
When everything you touch turns to crap you find yourself in the outhouse a lot.
I find most people are rude, self centred, self absorbed and self motivated- yet we are a social creature and not meant to be alone so much as I am. And yes, I attract nothing but toxic relationships too...as a result I dont like a lot of people and I trust them even less.
Once in a while I will meet someone I think I can trust and then-SURPRISE-you get ripped off or your heart gets ripped out through your nose yet again, and your left with your inner voice taunting you-'see, I told you so'. And other messages I get from those fruitless attempts at making friends are 'nobody likes you, they never will and never did'...I call it 'pity pot thinking'. Its a tough one to get around.
I count my blessings every day..try to see the good things in my life..and that works for a while to. Thankyou dear lord for my house, my car, my job, my furry friends and my kids.
Yes, I dont think I have a choice but to seek some kind of medication. Some kind of inhibitor that will slow my brain down-did you know that lithium is basically the same kind of salt they use in car batteries? Maybe I should just hook myself up to my car batterie and charge myself up once a week...lol.
smile-I love humor- take care 