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Posted 11/18/2006 1:36 PM (GMT 0)
It is weird...but,I can go all day without the radio or TV on.. and clean.
It will be several hours later,and I look around and am amazed on what I had done but do not remember doing it really.. then my b/f will come home after being gone for awhile,and walk in the house,stand directly behind me,and when I finally realize he is there I jump and scream. I know I am a "jumpy" person anyway,and am easily startled. It just seems that I start thinking or daydreaming and don't even realize anyone is there.
Lately I have been having flashbacks about being molested. I hate it,and try very hard to put it out of my mind.
I try to close it out,but then it keeps coming back.
I know I do unhealthy things that relate to him,like reading the obits every day and becoming disappointed that his name is not there yet. I am 37 years old...I should not have such vivid memories.
Posted 11/18/2006 6:39 PM (GMT 0)
ShynSassy -- a couple of things come to mind. Have you ever researched "depersonalization/derealization?" If not, do a google search on it. It is VERY COMMON for people who suffer from anxiety. Are you seeing a talk therapist to work through your feelings of being molested? The vivid memories might be a form of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. You should go see a therapist to get a proper diagnosis and allow him/her to help you close this chapter in your life. It will never be "erased" from your memory but with help you can work through it and discover ways to cope with those feelings.
Posted 11/21/2006 12:21 PM (GMT 0)
hopeful
I am not seeing a therapist,one main reason is no insurance right now (working on that though)
I did research the depersonalization,and yes it sounds like me.
I just wanted to add that I have been having severe panic attack dreams. I had one yesterday,and it took me about 6 hrs to finally feel somewhat "normal" again. I had to do my breathing exercises for about an hour when I woke up. This dream was about my b/f. It basically boiled down to I could not find him and my life was in total disarray. I hate that I am so mentally dependant on him that I dream and panic that he is not there.
I did tell him about the dream,but then felt bad afterwards as I don't ever want to put him in a position to where he knows that if I lost him I would be a mess. That is not healthy for anyone.
Posted 11/21/2006 12:40 PM (GMT 0)

Hi Shy,  I am so sorry that your going through this.  I dont have depersonalization, but I do have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder which is something that a lot of people who like us who have traumatic events in their lives/childhoods deal with.  I have had the dreams and the little memories that pop up out of no where when I am not even thinking of it. 

As a side track here, my crazy aunt who lives in Kansas City...which is also where my ex-stepfather (the molester) lives.  Found herself an apartment a block away from him.  When she realized that he lived there...(this was last week), she went to his door and had it out with him and his wife.  She also went and knocked on all his neighbors’ doors and told them that they had a molester living next to them.  She had the police called on her...and I had to be the one to call and tell her to leave the man alone...even though in my heart and head I was glad she did it.

But it goes to show that every little thing brings it up again, no matter if it was from your own experience or from something you saw on the news that happened to some other poor little kid.  That is what PTSD is all about and it doesn’t go away, it is always there in the back of your mind.

I was wondering if you had a Rape and Abuse Crisis Center where you live Shy?  They are very hard to find and dont usually advertise but they would provide counseling for you since you dont have insurance right now.  Especially since all you have been through, it may be worth checking into.

My thoughts are always with you...
Posted 11/22/2006 1:07 PM (GMT 0)
Good for your Aunt Elisha,I wish someone in my family cared for me enough to do something like that. No one has or ever will.
I need to get over my fear of therapy,it is the whole "talking about it" to a stranger that I have a hard time dealing with.
something I really need to come to terms with..
Posted 11/22/2006 3:29 PM (GMT 0)

Well, I have always had that fear of therapy too.  My mom would try to get me to go to counseling as a kid and I would refuse to talk to them.  As I got older and knew I had a problem I saw several different psychiatrists who don’t really "counsel you" so much as skim the top of things and prescribe medication.  There was once when I started seeing a counselor and talking of all the abuse issues as my nightmares were bad and I was having thoughts of hurting myself.  The more I went to the counselor the worse my psychiatric symptoms became so, I stopped going.

A year ago when I became physically sick with some serious heart problems, my psychiatrist set me up with a counselor in his office.  I started going once a week for months on end and most times didn’t talk about anything in particular.  It was a good 10 months before we even started to discuss my abuse issues and he (my counselor) know of them.  So I was able to build up trust with him and felt comfortable talking to him.  I think for me it wasn’t so much what happened, the actions but all the after effects of it.  I had held it all in for so long.  And everything that happened from then still effects everything that I do today and coming to terms with that.

This forum has helped a lot.  I have written of what happened and each time I feel a little piece set free or break away.  The letter you wrote not too long ago...did you feel some freedom after writing that?  After getting those toxic feelings out?  That is almost what therapy feels like.  It is difficult, and it does bring up a lot of bad stuff that we would rather leave alone, but once you get it out you can go on with the rest of your life a whole person.

Posted 11/24/2006 12:31 PM (GMT 0)
Yes Elisha that letter helped alot,And quite frankly I think this forumn is better for me than going to see a counsler. I can put my problems on paper per say,which is easier for me than talking about them face to face with someone.And I can also try to use my past experiences to help someone else.
I am too worried about having things get worse by talking about them. I still have a hard time with nightmares,and just watching tv creates them to this day.
I made the mistake a few months ago of watching an actual court case where the judge was going in depth about what a man did to a little girl to explain why he was getting the death sentence. I just could not walk away as I wanted to see what he got. That gave me nightmares for about 2 months.
I need to be more careful that is for sure.
Posted 11/25/2006 12:57 PM (GMT 0)
Oh we are much alike...TV gets me everytime especially the news and yes even court tv.  I watch that show Nancy Grace.  I think I like her sassiness I guess but she profiles a lot of abused kids on there and it just kills me everytime.  It does bring it all back, and enrages me that these monsters are allowed to get out of jail and walk among us and keep doing this to children.  It makes me sick and horrified...and yet I cant stop watching.

This forum has done wonders for me and getting me to open up about my abuse.  I would never talk about it before and still it is hard for me to say in words what happened, and now I am working on writing a letter to the "man" who abused me...my stepfather.  I have been working on it for weeks now...dont know when I will get it done.  But it just seems easier to get it out when it comes to helping someone else who maybe needs to know that they are not alone in that situation because I know we do all feel like we are alone and no one can understand how we feel...but you know we do.

Take care my friend

Posted 11/25/2006 1:06 PM (GMT 0)
Elisha
that letter will make you feel better than you have in a long time I think. Just thinking that he will be opening it and reading it,and hopefully feeling some type of remorse. If not remorse at least he will know how much he affected your life.
I did that when my daughter was 5. It took me several months,and I did not tell a sole that I did it.
Then a few months later I was at a gas station and saw a girl that we both knew. She actually had enough guts to tell me that he had told her about the letter. It was so bizzare. I did not say a word to her as I had no idea what to say. I just left.
But,at least that POS knows what he did to my life. He will probably not care,and has more than likely done it before. That is the part that I have a hard time dealing with,that I was too scared to tell anyone,and that he may have heart another little girl or boy.
I keep tabs on him thru the online court system,but he has never been caught with that yet.
Posted 11/28/2006 3:55 PM (GMT 0)

Hey Els,

I wonder, have you ever thought of writing the same kind of letter to your mother, or whoever put you in that position.  The abuse is very hard to get over, but from what I have learned about abuse victims, it is often more important to vent your feelings to the person that failed to protect you.  opening up to the person that betrayed you, that failed to keep you safe, can be very freeing.  Even if that person has passed away or you choose to never actually mail the letter, at least you have been able to say exactly what you feel, and have the time to put it all down on paper.  Just a suggestion.

Leigh Ann cool

Posted Yesterday 4:31 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Leigh Ann, the letter I am writting to my ex-stepfather I am actually not going to mail to him.  I plan to burn it along with a pack of pictures that my mom didnt know she still had of him and us as kids that I found a few months ago.  The letter is more like trying to close a chapter of my life and lay that part to rest.  I have never wrote those things down before and as I work on it, it is sort of freeing in a way.

As to writing a letter to my mom as she was the one who married him...I dont hold any hurt or anger toward her for that or for putting me in that situation.  She honestly didnt know and to this day she beats herself up over it more then anything I could ever say to her.  She feels that it was all her fault and it wasnt, it was HIS fault and that is the way child molesters work.  They seperate people, families, and get inside your brain...its sick.  My brother and I were very good at keeping secrets and were threatned almost daily not to tell...so we didnt tell, not anyone until my brother said something to his school counselor, I dont know why or what made him do it.  My mom was shocked when she was told but she never once doubted what happen.  She wasnt one of those women who side with their husbands...she would of hurt him if she had the chance to but she didnt see him again except in divorce court a few months later. 

Through everything I could never have asked for a better mother then the one I have.

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