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I can't take it anymore

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Posted 12/2/2006 1:04 PM (GMT 0)

Hi - I'm new:

For the last 6 weeks I have felt so depressed.  I feel like I have falling into a very dark hole and can't get out.  I think I know why cuz my husband of 24 years has verbally and at time physically abused me.  It keeps happening.  I just can't understand why it is affecting me now when I've been able to deal with it for the last 24 years.  You know some people tell me to just leave, it's easier said than done.  I have shared the same roll of toilet paper with him for all this time and to wake up one morning and say I don't love you anymore is just insane to me.  I have tried to talk with him to see if he would go for professional help but he says there is nothing wrong with him.  I'm to the point that I'm desperate cuz I'm at my wits end.  Life is not all that especially when you feel like your living in hell.  I just can't stop thinking about all the mean things that he has said to me and the pain I feel when he strikes me.  I'm tired of his manipulating ways and belittling me.  I'm so sorry for just rambling, I just need help. sad sad

Posted 12/2/2006 1:57 PM (GMT 0)
Welcome to the forum rainey,
I am going to start off with a little background here... I met a guy when I was 16, I came from a horrible home life,and this guy kept making all kinds of future promises. I became pregnant and I received my first punch that knocked me into the wall and flew me back into him while I was 8 months pregnant.
13 years and lots of visits to the ER later,I woke up one morning after being his punching and verbal abuse bag,and decided that I had enough. I made some phone calls,and then made his coffee,and when he sat down to read the paper I informed him that my family was coming over to help me and the kids move out,and that he would never lay on hand on me again. To this day I have no idea where the strength came from. I don't have a clue why it was that day,I think I just broke basically.
Once a man hits a woman,they do not stop as long as they know they can get away with it. Men like that choose a woman because the woman is weaker than the man. You usually do not see a man like that go after another man that is their size.
If your husband is abusing you,he is a very weak man. He does not deserve to have someone stand by his side.
I became very close to being killed during many of the episodes. I had 2 children that I needed to live for.
I know the threats they make:
1.You will never make it without me
2.If I can't have you no one will
3.No man will ever want you
4.You will never see your kids again if you leave me
5.Your family does not want you

You need to ask yourself a couple questions:
1.Am I better off with or without him
2.Are the words that he tells me true?
3.Do I want to be hit anymore

Tell someone what is going on. Lean on your family.
Once someone finds out what you have been going through,they are going to be very angry with themselves for not seeing the signs. You are a woman,and should never EVER be hit by a man. A husband is supposed to protect their wife. They are supposed to cherish them. Love them unconditionally. That is what you signed up for. It is not your fault that the man you said yes too,has become a monster. You did nothing to deserve it. Those are his demons not yours. Do not let him destroy you anymore.
Posted 12/2/2006 3:35 PM (GMT 0)

Hi rainey, Welcome to healing well forum, we are happy to have you and so glad that you have reached out here.  I know it takes a lot of courage to do so and you have taken a huge step in finding support.  I am also glad that ShynSassy has posted to you of her experience.  I too was in a verbially & emotionally abusive relationship for along time.  My ex-husband never hit me but his words hit me just as hard as if he had.  He tore down my self esteem, confidence, and personal beliefs little by little each and every day.  He separated me from my family and friends and tried to twist things to where I was the bad one and making him does these things and they were my fault or choices.  I was with him for 12 yrs and married to him for 5 yrs...like Shy, I don’t know where the strength came from but one day he pushed too far and I had enough.  I made arrangements to put my stuff in storage (behind his back) and told him I was leaving; I took what I could in one day and was gone.

You deal with the abuse because you think that the person is going to change or that it is really your fault for whatever has happened.  You love them and don’t want to leave them and waste all the time you have invested into that relationship or maybe don’t want others to know what is happening in your home.  But the fact of the matter is that after a while and this takes longer for some people that it does for others it builds up and you can’t keep taking it, they are not going to change.  That relationship is toxic to you and you can’t survive in it.  Please get help in anyway you can.  He doesn’t have to go to counseling with you but you can start on your own and hopefully through counseling you can start to rebuild your self confidence and self esteem enough to where you can say "I am not going to take this from you any longer" and you can either force him to get help or walk away.

I am going to leave you some links on abuse below so you can read up on it and please do know that you can always come here for support.  We are always here for you so please do keep posting.  Take care

http://www.abusedadultresourcecenter.com/donations.htm

http://www.allaboutcounseling.com/domestic_violence.htm

http://www.helpguide.org/mental/domestic_violence_abuse_types_signs_causes_effects.htm

http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/domestic-violence/WO00044
Posted 12/2/2006 6:34 PM (GMT 0)
Thank you so much for your replies.  As I read I have bursted into tears, all be alright.  I have made a step I hope in the right direction and that is I made a Drs. appt. and I go on Tuesday.  By the way you are right about what my husband says to me.  He is very good at manipulation.  I guess I just needed a shoulder to cry on.  It's been a long time and I have so much inside me that I guess has just brewed over at my waist side.  Once again thank you.
Posted 12/3/2006 10:39 AM (GMT 0)
Hi Rainey

 

Welcome to Healing Well.

 

When I was in hospital with depression I shared a room with somebody just like you and when I read your post you reminded me of her so much.

 

Our minds can only deal with so much stress and sooner or later we get to the point where we can't deal with it anymore. It sounds like you have got to the point where you cannot deal with what is going on in your life and I don't blame you.

 

The way you describe the feeling of a dark hole is a classic symptom of somebody with depression.  I felt like I was in a dark hole and I couldn't see the light at the end of the tunnel.

 

It sounds like you are an amazingly strong woman to have coped with this for so long and there is help out there for you.  I hope you can find it in you to get the help to escape this.

 

Please see your doctor to recieve help for your depression and I think some therapy will definatley benefit you.  Please think of yourself and please post here anytime you need to talk and get things off your chest.

We are here for you.

 

Take care and god bless

You are in my thoughts and prayers xx

Posted 12/3/2006 1:40 PM (GMT 0)
Rainey
Please keep us informed on how you are doing. And I know it will not be easy,but tell someone. If it is the Doctor,your best friend or a family member. A little secret here... when the man knows that someone else is aware of what he is doing I think it makes them stop and think about doing it again. My ex got away with it for all of those years because he knew that I was too afraid and embarrased to tell anyone. He had me right where he wanted me. Don't let that continue with you. I to this day kick myself for not telling someone.
Good Luck and keep your head up.
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