Afraid of being alone

beach,

i don't think that you are abnormal in wanting to make contact with other human beings.  you might well be unhealthy if you didn't want to seek out your own species.  dogs are great (personally i prefer cats) but they aren't much for conversation and feedback.

i read your other post about giving.  apply that to yourself as well as to others.  in judaism is is a mitzva (joyous religious duty) to help others and it is also a mitzvah for others to accept the help.  why were you denying your associates th mizsvah of offering you warmth and friendship during the Holidays?  why did you deny yourself the miitzvah of accepting the offers?

just thoughts.  but i hope they may give you a didderent perspective.

warren

Hi Atthebeach
I think you sound ready to move on to the next adventure in your life..as you live alone just now you can pick and choose what you do next and when..
Have you thought about travelling? Even if you have to save a little to do it..doesn't matter..
The world is waiting for you..you could redecorate..take up a new interest - like minded people getting together is great..reinvent yourself...can you upskill - maybe do a course...volunteer work is rewarding...

Maree

hang in there warren. Can't be many older than me. Theres a lot going on out there and I want get in on some of the action Dee

sassy,

a divorce is like a death, but worse because you aty least know that your spouce is still there. it is also a tremendous blow to the ego:  why wasn't i good/smart/sexy/ etc enough to hold on to my spouce?  it doesn't matter how good or bad the marriage/living arrangements were, everyone who goes through a divorce faces the same problems and questions.

like with a death, a divorce requires a time for healing.  this may be one month or a year.  during this time the person simply is incapable of dealing effectively with life, the divorce, the children arrangements, etc.  some are never able to move on with their lives and require therapy or hospitalization - but these are rare cases.

it never hurts to go into therapy during or after a divorce.  there are usually (meaning always) questions/problems that a person simply cannot handle on their own.  this is not a sign of weakness.  it is a sign of great strength in acknowledging that you are out of your depth.

occationally a divorcee will  get stuck in anger.  my ex did this.  she poisoned all of my friends and our son against me.  now she is alone in a hopeless state in a mental instatution.  sad, but she made her own reality the same as we all do.

support your mother in every way you can - she needs it.  let her express her anger but don't let her get stuck in it.  encourage her to see a therapist if she doesn't seem to be making any progress after, say, six months.  let her know that she must release the anger and the relationship.  keep the good parts and memories and let the others go.

don't worry about your mothr, she'll be just fine.

hope this helps.

warren

elisha,

you are partially right according to my research.  each individual deals with loss uniquely.  however, there are begaviors which transend individuals - indeed transend cultures.  it is these "universals" that i was using in my posting.  i think that everyone today is familiar with the stages of loss, leading, eventually, to acceptance.  anger is one of the most intence of these stages, which is why i stressed it in my post.

it is lovely that you were able to move along with your lidfe afterr your dovorce.  you may be the exception that proves the rule.  seriously, in my experience and in my research, lack of being able to move on - getting stuck - rules.

there are several reasons for this inability.  the primary cause, in my opinion, is the legal system and (spit) attorneys.  until recently, there had to be a reason or reasons to obtain a divorce.  i think it was in the late 50s that john rockefeller had to purjer himself by saying under oath that he had had an affair in order to get a divorce from his wife.  this purjery cost him the presidential nomination.  to legitimize their fees, attorneys "stir the bucket" to get their client to the point of taking all of the money from the bank accounts and run up charge cards.  it is also this stirring that will cause clients to hide assets.

i agree that each invividual is responsible for his/her own life/dreams/and hells that he/she creates.  but if i see a woman getting raped in broad daylight in the middkle odf madison avenue in new york, you can bet your bottom bippie that i will get involved.  not that i know the woman being raped, but because i believe that there is a bond between all things in the universe animate and inanamate.  if you fall down a flisgt of stairs and are unablke to move (as i was in 1991) wouldn't you want someone to help you?  my wife helped me (she is good at that - i wish i were as good).  if the daughter cares about her mother she should not push anything or anyone.  pushing builds resentment.  if i remember my words, i believe that  i said she should support her mother and encourage her mother.  these actions are very different from pushing, as a thermonucleur bomb is different from honest negotiation.

if you berleive that having a pet is the issue than you will never understand that going to dinner has nothing to do about eating.

i hope that this has disambiguaterd my previous post.  sorry if i have been blunt.  i had back surgery a few days ago and i hurt like bloody he**.

best wishes to you and everyone on this board for a happy new year.

warren

 

in chinese trigrams used for interpreting the i ching, there is a symbol that indicates danger and that also indicated opportunity.  i personally don't believe that death is final - and i don't mean living with jesus in a mansion with many rooms.  i the jeweish tradition, we are immortal so long as we are remembered.  because one can never speak ill of ther dead - even though the decedent may have a nasdty selfish sod - it is imcombant onevery believing jew to do good works  and in so doing to help to make this planet suitable for the mesdsiah or messionic age.  this is your immortality and it was this immoprtality that the ****s denied the jews in the death camps.  it is a sort of final death.

with every change there are many possibilities.  you invoked carpe diem and have capitalized on your strengths.  as i may have mentioned earlier in this thread, my ex-wife got stuck in anger and hurt and it distroyed her.  pity.  you and she should have been able to get together in 2970/71 and discussed possibilitied.  i belive that you both could have learned a lt from that ficticious exchange.

i am proud of you to have not caught up in teh crap of a divorce and used it as a sprinboard to carry you forward to new opportunitiedsand new heights that you would never have considered possible inyour previous state.  well done!  you are an inspiration to every man womanand child who undergoes the trauma of divorce.  you did good, girl!

warren

The title of your post caught my attention. Being alone is really scary. I have some issues that really need to be taken care of but I feel like I'm all alone. I'm 23 and my mom is so wonderful but she's also very fragile. I just hate talking to her about my problems beause I can't stand the thought of worrying her. I live pretty far from my family and sometimes I go many days without seeing another human being. Sometimes I want to be left alone but other times I can't stand the thought of being alone. I have had several failed relationships and the last one was the worst. I was with a man that meant the world to me and at first everything was perfect but then he started telling me I'm a piece of crap and not worth being loved by anyone. He said really mean things to me a lot and hung up on me all the time. One day everything would be fine and the next he would call cussing me out. I was terrified every time the phone would ring. I kept taking him back over and over again because I was tired of being alone. My self-esteem just hit rock bottom and I don't know what to do. I see a lot of the girls I went to high school with married and having babies. All of mycousins are married with children and there's me...alone. I lost the majority of my friends because of my ex-boyfriend. All I do is cry and I hardly ever sleep. The holidays are really bad for me too. Glad its over! I'm glad I found these forums. I'm suffering from anxiety and depression constantly and sometimes I just feel like calling it quits with my life.

Hi worrywart, I am sorry for how your feeling...I know it is most terrible.  23 to me seems so young to be thinking of being married and having kids...of course I am 33 divorced and have no kids so dont take me as an example or anything like that.  Anyway, my point is that you are very lucky to have gotten out of that abusive relationship.  You have a lot of time left in your life believe it or not to figure out what you want to do, become, or even be with.  When you get out of a relationship like that it is hard to see beyond the first minute to come but eventually you will get there and your self confidence will return as he sounds like the jerk and the one who had the problem not you.  You will move on with your life, but I am sure he will find it difficult to move on with his. 

Give some of your old friends a call...I am sure they would love to hear from you.  Especially since you ditched the bonehead.