Chaos

Hey, guys...I'm back.

I was doing so well handling the depression and anxiety, and then life flipped itself upside-down on me, and I crashed...hard.

A week ago I broke up with my boyfriend of two years. I still love him very much, but I initiated the break -- he was bringing me down, lying, being cruel for no apparent reason...and I needed to be surrounded by positive people. Since then, he's been pointedly mean and has done his best to make me hurt...

I've started the second semester of my junior year at UWP, and I've got two new jobs -- in addition to being a Spanish tutor, I also work as an office assistant at the Tutoring Center and as a writing tutor at the Campus Writing Center. Although I adore my jobs, they've added a lot of stress, too...

Life, in general, has been exhausting and intimidating -- more so than usual...

So, this brings me to the crash. Last Tuesday I hid out in my room all day (no classes due to a semi-blizzard) and drank...and drank...and drank some more. Already bawling my eyes out because of the stress and pain (and the ache my ex was causing), I went back to self-mutilation in order to cope -- something I haven't done in two years. Friends came over eventually, worried about my drunken IMs and the fact that I'd been in my room all day...and then they took me to the ER. From there, I went to a crisis center/psychiatric ward...and then stayed for a week in order to clear all "self-destructive" thoughts from my mind.

And now I'm back. Needing support again, needing a shoulder to cry on, needing strength and courage that I seem to have lost. Why did this "relapse" happen -- and why now, when I need to maintain my sanity for the thousands of tasks on my plate this semester? Ugh...I could tear my hair out...curl into the fetal position and cry for days...

Thanks for listening, guys. And have a happy Valentine's Day -- love you all.

elegy,

why do we do these things to ourselves?  i'm not a psychologist, psychiatrist, or any kind of therapist.  but i'm 61 yrs old and have learned a lot during this incarnation.

we all have a "comfort zone" which is that set of circumstances and feelings in which we are most "at home."  this comfort zone has a range, but not a very large one.

let me give you an example.  there is a guy who grew up in subsidized housing and his family never had enough money.  but this guy could play footbqll better than anybody in hi state.  he winsa football scholarship to a grear university and is a number one draft pick for the pros.  he plays one season for a championship football team but is forced to retire because of a torn ligalemt that therapy and surgery were unable to heal.  he goes back to his home town with the money he made as a pro football player.  within a year he is broke because of bad investments and poor money management.  HE IS BACK IN HIS COMFORT ZONE.

we all can fall prey to our comfort zones.  the trick is to expand our comfort zones such they they include healthful things and healing things and spiritual things.

hope my observation on life has been helpful.

warren

Hi Elegy, I'm sorry to hear about your relapse. Unfortunatley, it can happen and it sounds like you have been going through quite a stresful time. You did a positive thing by ending the relationship if you felt you weren't happy and also a good thing that you wanted to be surrounded by positive people. Everything was maybe a bit too much and especially if your ex was making life miserable for you after the break up. You need to take a bit of time for yourself to get back on track. You are the most important person so focus on yourself, what you want and how you will get your life back on track again....and you will. As jordan asked, are you on any meds? Let us know how you are doing and stay in touch. We are always here. Remember to see the signs of going downhill and get help when you need it. Take care